When I was an impressionable teenager, I had a small obsession with Sarah Dessen. I read everything available quickly, and then waited impatiently for anything. Then, I went to college, got into errotic fiction, and that was the end of that. Still, for years I stopped by the young adult section every now and again just to look at the Sarah Dessen Novels. Just the sight of those book spines filled me with an unexplainable joy. I knew I would always remember those stories fondly.

Fast froward, it's about three years ago and I meet the love of my life. Sarah's books had nothing on the way I felt when he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. When you feel that incredible, it’s hard to imagine there will ever be another day that you don’t. Even so, it’s hard to walk on air when a pandemic hits smack dab in the middle of planning your wedding. I was determined to stay posotive, so I was on the hunt for anything I could think of that made me feel good. Between working full time and setting up a DIY wedding that we may or may not have had a place to throw, I needed everything I did to be time and cost effective. I found myself meandering the public library's vitual shelves. It gave me the idea to re-read one my favorite Sarah Dessen books, just for a little peace during the day.

When I did that, it all came rushing back. I devoured that first book (my old favorite, Ther Truth About Forever) and returned to curbside pick up several times to check out everything they had, written by Sarah Dessen. That's when I realized just how intregal those books had been in helping me build my confidence as a young woman. I orginally read them because they were romantic, but I realized upon re-reading them, that each one was about a young girl's very unique journey to finding herself. They taught me how to do the same. In the difficult ways, like how to ask for help, and be honest with the people I love. To define myself by no one's standards but my own. That even though some girls had stabbed me in the back thus far, I would find my girls, if I was willing to be patient. In the simple ways, like how incredibly easy staying organized could make my life and sometimes, actions speak louder than words.

Without even realizing it I had reffered back to these stories years after reading them. They were a huge help when I hit life's inevitable road blocks and milestones. In the end I used a quote from The Truth About Forever in my wedding vows. Then I spent the six months leading up to my wedding reminding myself what I had learned the first time around. If I can trust myself above all else, my life can't help but to turn out alright.

Luck can be a lady

The Night can be young

Faith only has to be at least as big as a mustard seed

Karma can be... a bitch.

Feet can be light

Days can be long

Sometimes conversation is heavy and,

Karma is a bitch

Kisses have a taste

colors hold a mood

activities, frangances, and flavors are seasonal

Karma is a bitch

Sometimes I am lucky

Most days I feel young

I love bright colors, sarcastic comments and saying no but,

Karma is a bitch

It took more than half my life for me to realize that attatchment is not a good thing. I think I used to get it confused with passion, commitment, or maybe even love. That’s the sinister thing about it. It looks alot like all the right things, but it is selfish and stifling at it’s core.

To be attatched is to be irrational and self perserving. No one with an attatchment to a certain outcome ever wonders how anyone else will be affected in the end. Yet she has convinced herself that she’s out fo the greater good.

Imagine that, something ugly disguising itself as something beneficial.

The most fascinaiting part is how the more attatched we grow the more fear we are forced to let in. When one realizes he has absolutely no control over God and the Universe his grip tightens rather than loosening. He must force things to work in his favor. When he can’t, his pulse quickens and his throat drops into his belly.

Undenaiable inevitability becomes his antagonist, despite his knowledge that he could never win. What started out as harmless attatchment has morphed into crippling fear.

He is convinced he must persue this quest despite there being no end.

There used to be one conversation I never deined to get involved in. Are you the jealous type? There were times I knew I would be, without a shadow of a doubt. Then I would be in a situation whose nature had been the subject of many coaching calls between me and my girls.

“Nope. You don’t have to kill any one. I know you had a feeling but I promise that is all it was.”

Conceptually I knew what jealousy would feel like but in my experience it was not all consuming, and could be easily over come. I have since learned that this is because my heart wasn’t in it. No matter how caught off gaurd I had been in the past I could always be rational. Rationality serves no purpose when true soul sucking jealousy takes over.

For me it happened for the first time in a bar.

My boyfriend and I are attending a friend’s birthday... intoxication session. Everything is happening all at once. I switch seats over half a dozen times. I lose count of how many conversations I've had. At some point I am sitting at a table with no one in particular, eating and taking in the room. My boyfriend comes and fills the chair beside me. He is followed by a girl we both know, who fills the chair beside him. She doesn't say a word to me, instead she spends several minutes regaling him with some drawn out tale of “shitty work days passed” complete with pictures from her phone he can't see unless she leans her body into his. It is not until all of this had transpired to the moment she deems the end of story time. only then am I graced with an all too cheerful

“Hey girly.” I hope the face I make isn’t exactly a scowl.

“I didn’t mean to ignore you, I just had to tell him that story."

You don’t reserve the right to judge what has to be told to him, chirped the sparkle clad diva that runs the show from inside my head. She also threw out a few degrading nic names so that I could take my pick. That is when I realized my effervescent tree hugging soul’s eyes had turned a flaming green, and she was filled with rage.

The admission of weakness was never my game. I still keep my mouth shut When my friends gather in whispering circles. I feel my eyes grow wide as they break down the days the woman we know took a vacation leaving a green eyed monster to look after her affairs. The only difference is, now I am no longer blissfully unaware. I recall the feeling well, and the days I could say I have never quite loved, are gone.

After a night of tossing and turning John opens his eyes. Perhaps I’ll run off the tension, he thinks. Without wasting another second he hops out of bed and retrieves his basketball shorts and tennis shoes. He is pulling his shirt over his head a he ambles down the stairs, calling out to his wife.

“Hey Darce? Think I’m gonna get a little excercise in! Think you could put on some Coffee?” When she doesn’t respond he changes his course and heads into the kitchen. There is his Darcy, sitting on the ground with the land line’s cord wrapped about her body. Instead of the tell tales sign of a dead line an inquiring voice is questioning Darcy from the other end. A growing panic is creeping into Emily’s Voice.

“Mom? Are you still there?”

“It’s Dad, sweetheart? Where are you calling from?” Emily chokes back a sob.

“From Jail, Daddy”

“What? Where’s that scum bag boyfrined of yours?”

“Jason is dead, Daddy.” The room spins and John Goodspeed in wrapped in a sense of vertigo and De Ja Vu. For this is the nightmare he’s just had several times. These events followed by this phone call.

After a night of tossing and turning John opens his eyes. Perhaps I’ll run off the tension, he thinks. Without wasting another second he hops out of bed and retrieves his basketball shorts and tennis shoes. He is pulling his shirt over his head a he ambles down the stairs, calling out to his wife.

“Hey Darce? Think I’m gonna get a little excercise in! Think you could put on some Coffee?” When she doesn’t respond he changes his course and heads into the kitchen. There is his Darcy, sitting on the ground with the land line’s cord wrapped about her body. Instead of the tell tales sign of a dead line an inquiring voice is questioning Darcy from the other end. A growing panic is creeping into Emily’s Voice.

“Mom? Are you still there?”

“It’s Dad, sweetheart? Where are you calling from?” Emily chokes back a sob.

“From Jail, Daddy”

“What? Where’s that scum bag boyfrined of yours?”

“Jason is dead, Daddy.” The room spins and John Goodspeed in wrapped in a sense of vertigo and De Ja Vu. For this is the nightmare he’s just had several times. These events followed by this phone call.

The cool thing about Castle Rock Colorado is the process of snow. The first day it’s overcast. The second day the world is covered in a fluffy glistening white blanket, but the sky is blue. The air has a slight chill, and the sun touches everything. It was resting on his shoulders the first time I saw him. The lobby doors to Comfort Suites whirred open and he stormed in. The long un-gloved fingers on his right hand were wrapped in a leash. At its end was a mid sized pup with short blackish brownish fur and a square head. Pup ambled up to the hot beverages station where I was preparing tea. I put my hand out for licking, but watched his owner. He yanked the leash and told pup no firmly. To me he did not say a word. He zipped into the breakfast room two days later without pup. He sat at the edge of his chair, table for one, looking ready to take off. He is pleasant to look at, but strange. He has an obvious aversion to people. He speaks when he must, looks when he believes no one will see. He is always alone.  

The rumblings grumblings and general crumbling of everything in the immediate vicinity started the moment Marley's fingers closed around the glowing green jewel. She wanted to yell something about booby traps to Maron but it wasn't necessary. She wanted to yell something about booby traps to Marin, but it wasn't necessary. He was so close behind her that when she stumbled back a few paces, she felt his chest against her ponytail. It was a good thing she had taken Kelly off of her back, and put her on his, mere moments ago. Kelly was the only person who reacted to the commotion without anxiety or terror. She gurgled and bounced from the little pouch on Marin's back as of she sensed the beginnings of a game. Marley and Marin ran as fast as their feet would carry them in search of the exit, which seemed to have moved. A large rock broke free from the cave's ceiling above Marin's head. Marley tossed the jewel up into the air to free her hands. She used them to catapult herself off the ground and give Marin a firm kick to the abdomen out of harms way. The Jewel landed in his lap as his butt hit the dusty cave floor. The sound of Kelley’s prattle was the only testament to her condition. With the rock between them Marley could no longer see Marin or Kelley.

"You okay?" She called out to him.

"Much better than I would have been," he called back.

“Nice save.” She smiled at his ability to make a joke, anytime anywhere. It appeared the giant ceiling hanging had made a way out.

"See you on the other side, stud," She yelled.

"Not if I see you first."

As Marley rounded the corner and neared her tall and slender partner in crime, she reached out and took Kelley in her arms. She looked into the same big brown eyes she saw in the mirror. Grinned, at the round little face she loved more than anything in the world. She kissed Kelley's chubby little cheeks. She meant to do it once, but couldn't help repeating the motion a few times.

"You are such a trooper," she told her. She felt Maron's hand on the small of her back as he kissed her temple. Kelley giggled between them grabbing at Marin's nose and lips. They made an exchange; baby for gem. Marley tucked their spoils away in the small pack that was strapped to her waist.

"Looks like we found it," said Marin.

"I'm sure this will upset the Elders even more than me striking out to find it without my warrior patch," responded Marley. Marin's face was concerned as he bounced Kelley and brushed a stray hair from Marley's eyes. Marley grinned at the little girl and placed a finger in her outstretched hand.

"We should set up camp nearby. No way we make it back to the temple before sundown," she sighed. Marin nodded his agreement and they set out in search of a good place to spend the night.

Marley was holding a large leaf out of her family's way when she had an idea.

"Know what would be fun?"

"I know you're going to tell me, and I simply can't wait." Maron stopped to kiss her as he passed under the brush she held.

"You should tell her the story of the stone,” she said falling into step with him.

“It may keep her distracted until I get the chance to feed her."

"Sounds like a good idea to me,” Marin replied. He gave Kelley, who rode comfortably against his chest, an Eskimo kiss before speaking to her.

“What do you say Kell, interested in the tale of the gem of innocence?" Kelley responded to his question with a giggling and bouncing that her parents could only assume was consent.

"Daddy's terrible with details, but his voice is like velvet," Marely mused from Marin's side.

"Lucky for you Mama remembers everything Daddy forgets," said Marin. Kelley turned her head as they spoke to her, always focused on the speaker.

"A long time ago. Way before we lived in the town of the temple there was an ancient ritual. Some might call it a ceremony. Back then all the Elder's were still learning to be the all seeing, all knowing batch of guys you know and love." Kelley and Marley laughed in Unison.

"She's a smart kid you know, I think she picks up on the sarcasm," observed Marley.

Marin looked into Kelley's eyes. "I am not ashamed of who I am," he said. This earned him a pair of rolled eyes from his pint sized Polynesian princess of a wife.

"During the ceremony the elders would place memories from their lives into a single gem. The gem was reserved for memories that had taught them valuable lessons. Some of the memories were beautiful, but some were painful." He paused to look at Marley

"Nothing to add?" He took her hand as he asked. She smiled and shook her head.

"You’re doing just fine, Papa Bear."

"This ceremony went on for generations, until the jewel was full of things the old elders were afraid to let out among the people. They decided that the jewel should be taken far away so that only the elders and their peers would be exposed to its dangerous secrets." Kelley looked up at him patiently waiting for the next part of the story.

"From that day forward laws were put in place to keep community members of the meetings of the Elders. For the first time the Hall of Elders became the secretive fortress it is now. A few brave warriors were recruited to take the jewel into the wilderness. It was impossible to destroy it, so the only option left was to return it to the land that created it. The land was known to have magical properties that would keep the jewel protected. The warriors took the gem away so long ago that the people who live in the town of the temple now, doubt that it ever existed. Even some of the Elders themselves question whether or not the gem’s story is just a fable." Kelley was still listening to the story, but at this point she began to squirm. Marin took the pack and hooked it up to Marley instead. That seemed to do the trick.

"Now recently, people in the town of the temple have begun to doubt more than just old folk tales, but the elders themselves. There has been chaos among the people. This new generation of young people is a combination of people born elsewhere, and those too young to remember much about the town’s origin. These kids have begun to question why it is they should be expected to trust and obey the elders at all times. Perhaps the elders don’t have their best interest at heart. Perhaps they aren’t even all that wise." He stopped walking to point Marley towards a good spot to set up camp. She handed Kelley to him and converted the carrier to a blanket for her to sit on as they put things in order. Kelley sat on the blanket playing with pots and empty thermoses as her parents moved about her.

"This is where your Mama enters the story." Marin moved his pack in order to make room for the final steak on the edge of their tent. Marley took a step back and promptly tripped over it. Maron, seeing this, whipped around and caught her in a kind of dip. He saw an expression of surprise as he looked down into her face.

“Thanks… stud,” she breathed. The entire scene was very entertaining to Kelley who watched them from her perch and giggled, as she seemed to do at most everything. Suddenly her laughing turned to long loud restless baby sobs.

“Somebody’s hungry,” said Marley. She went to the blanket and scooped Kelley up. She popped a pacifier between the little girl’s lips. Marin joined them on the blanket a moment later; he was carrying a bottle. As Kelley ate they told her the rest of the story. Marley had stood before the Elders in the temple just days ago, and presented them with a proposition. She believed she could find and return with the gem of innocence. If she brought it back to the town at the temple it would serve as proof that the order of things was as it should be. If for some reason the younglings were right and this wasn’t the case… the gem could prove that too.

“Now the elders are mostly old gray men,” Marin said to Kelley. He was watching her drain her bottle over Marley’s shoulder.

“They doubted Mama could do the things she said because she’s a woman, and she’s young. They failed to recognize that she was the best in the historian business before they ever met her.” He glanced Marley’s way and she was smiling at his words.

“She was more like a bounty hunter of artifacts,” he finished. When Marin turned his attention back to Kelley, she was fast asleep.

“I think the elders are just afraid,” said Marley

“The legend of the gem says that it steals innocence and leave sorrow in its place. If the younglings come in contact with it…” she put the bottle down and looked into Marin’s eyes.

“We have to go back Marles,” said Marin. A nod was her only response.

Later, in the dead of the night little Kelley awoke between her sleeping parents. The glowing gem called to her from it’s small covering. She crawled around Marley to pull the strap on the gem’s bag. The gem rolled out and it’s green light danced across her face. Kelley placed one chubby hand on the gem and then the other. Its light grew and Kelley’s big brown eyes took on the same shimmering green hue of the gem. She saw them, the elders of the past. Saw them dance and laugh and play. Saw their pain and loss and flaws. She became them and lived their lives. She fought as them, lost as them, hit their wives and drained life from others in their name. She even looked at her mother, and dismissed her as too young and too female to make a difference. She pulled her hands from the gem and began to cry. Silently but from a place that was deep and tangible. The kind of tears you can feel in the pit of your belly. She had lost the ability to cry to communicate something simple. Hers were the tears of someone who was aware that her tears could change nothing, but who cried them anyway.

My heart skips a beat, then two and then three. When it picks up again its movements are rapid. I stare down at his name across the screen with what I am sure is a goofy grin plastered to my face. I just get lost when I think about him. I am gone until I can be found. My sister walks by and throws the fact that my phone is ringing over her shoulder. I watch to make sure she is gone before I answer it.

“Hello?”

“Hey you,” I can hear the smile in his voice. The way he talks into the phone, nice and easy, always makes me feel as though he’s right here next to me. He is incredible at small talk. He remembers every tidbit of random information I have given him over text all week, up until today. He asks about everything one at a time, and I try to answer by giving him the short version. That’s not what he wants, though. He keeps asking follow up questions, until he’s gotten the whole drawn out shebang. Finally, I ask what has been going on with him. Not thinking for even one second, that I could ever wish I hadn’t.

It’s not that he says her name much, or that he has any reason not to. It is that I can see her and he cannot. Unfortunately her trespasses are only against me. I want this to be enough. He has heard the stories, every one, even if he wasn’t there. I want his trust to lie where mine does, and be removed from the places mine cannot reside. When his voice passes through the space between us, our intimate and secret little space, carrying her name to my ears it physically hurts me. My stomach twists into knots and its as if someone is pricking the back of my neck with little pins. I can’t tell him that, because the alternative would be worse. I have to allow him to inflict this pain, because knowledge is the only power I have been granted. I can be patient and I can be gracious, but I have never been good at being powerless.

It’s not as if I don’t know how it works… her witchcraft. She seems helpless and in need of someone. Not even a full moon ago, I was that someone. These are the reasons I love him, after all, for being kind, caring, gentle and oblivious. Well actually… I read somewhere that you have to take the good with the bad. Anyway, he has said her name. So I am struggling to keep listening. I take deep breaths, but try not to let him hear them. I do my best to focus on his words and not my feelings.

“I told her that I didn’t think it would be a good idea… for us to have breakfast, but she insisted that she didn’t see anything wrong with it. You’re the smartest person I know, and you’re really good at thinking things through. What do you think?”

“I think she’s full of shit.”

“I think she hoped you would tell me about this.”

“I think she is an actual witch and you have to cut her out of your life so she can finally be gone from mine.”

“Do you like her? Is that what you are trying to tell me?”

“What did she do to you, why can’t you see that this is what she does? She has a talent for sewing discord. You and I are happy, so of course, she won’t leave us alone.”

I blink, back into reality, and realize for the first time that I have been silent too long. He is calling my name

“Are you still there?” I would like to say any one of these things. I would love to paint her as the bad guy and tell him exactly what to say to hurt her, but I can’t. She sent him to me with this. Gift-wrapped him up in this problem that he believes is only his because, she wanted to send me a message. I can cut her out of my life, but if I want to hold my little moral compass close I can never get even with her. She is willing to use potions and totems and play games. All I have is love, good faith and the reward of knowing I am doing the right thing.

“It’s only a bad idea if you think it is. Since you’re the one who’s going, the decision is yours. I can’t make it for you,” I finally say.

I listen as he moves on talking about the many other things that are going on with him. I did ask him, after all. I am silent as I wipe away my persistent tears and pray no one will come around the corner.