Brown Skin, Green Eyes

There used to be one conversation I never deined to get involved in. Are you the jealous type? There were times I knew I would be, without a shadow of a doubt. Then I would be in a situation whose nature had been the subject of many coaching calls between me and my girls.

“Nope. You don’t have to kill any one. I know you had a feeling but I promise that is all it was.”

Conceptually I knew what jealousy would feel like but in my experience it was not all consuming, and could be easily over come. I have since learned that this is because my heart wasn’t in it. No matter how caught off gaurd I had been in the past I could always be rational. Rationality serves no purpose when true soul sucking jealousy takes over.

For me it happened for the first time in a bar.

My boyfriend and I are attending a friend’s birthday... intoxication session. Everything is happening all at once. I switch seats over half a dozen times. I lose count of how many conversations I've had. At some point I am sitting at a table with no one in particular, eating and taking in the room. My boyfriend comes and fills the chair beside me. He is followed by a girl we both know, who fills the chair beside him. She doesn't say a word to me, instead she spends several minutes regaling him with some drawn out tale of “shitty work days passed” complete with pictures from her phone he can't see unless she leans her body into his. It is not until all of this had transpired to the moment she deems the end of story time. only then am I graced with an all too cheerful

“Hey girly.” I hope the face I make isn’t exactly a scowl.

“I didn’t mean to ignore you, I just had to tell him that story."

You don’t reserve the right to judge what has to be told to him, chirped the sparkle clad diva that runs the show from inside my head. She also threw out a few degrading nic names so that I could take my pick. That is when I realized my effervescent tree hugging soul’s eyes had turned a flaming green, and she was filled with rage.

The admission of weakness was never my game. I still keep my mouth shut When my friends gather in whispering circles. I feel my eyes grow wide as they break down the days the woman we know took a vacation leaving a green eyed monster to look after her affairs. The only difference is, now I am no longer blissfully unaware. I recall the feeling well, and the days I could say I have never quite loved, are gone.