“Extra Extra! Santa Exposed!”

WikiLeaks has discovered an article from "The North Pole Post" by journalist D. Metcalf

Santa has a secret. He will never tell his true story because if he did, he would ruin Christmas all over the world. Unfortunately for Santa, I'm feeling a bit naughty. I'm going to tell you Santa's secret. Just how he became Santa Clause is what we never hear about because it is his secret past, Santa's dirty little secret..

When Santa was a young man, if it weren't for the frigid North Pole weather he wouldn't keep many clothes on. He would also spend time in the barn with the reindeer. He claimed he was training them to fly but the reality of the situation was that he was trying to find the reindeer who could please him by using their noses. Thus we have Rudolph.

Santa had many intimate friends. Everyone seemed to like the chubby lad, even the strange group of short people, the Elves. Santa said they were just the right height.

Santa Clause discovered the ladies of the night. This is why he delivers his 'package' at this particular time screaming, "Ho Ho Ho!" He has always been jolly and frequently gay.

He aged. His white fluffy beard was fashionable at the North Pole. His passion could not be contained as he laid his eyes and heart on Mrs. Clause. She was fat too though the term 'chubby chaser' hadn't been discovered yet. Mrs. Clause was a daughter of the Gods. Her family had arranged her marriage to Dudley Wisen who wore red with black accessories.

One day, after a rendezvous in a large sack with his new love, she introduced Santa to her parents. Unbeknownst to Santa a piece of her underwear rested on his beard. The Gods were enraged! They considered the option to kill him. Mrs. Clause pleaded and begged for his life. They were given no choice but to accept their punishment. The following were his cursed conditions:

His balls would decorate trees

He would wear red with black garnishing

Rudolph would lead the pack

Elves would make the toys

He would work on the coldest night of the year screaming, "Ho Ho Ho! and live forever in the North Pole with Mrs. Clause.