The Tantalizing Tale of Horny Santa
Horny Santa was feeling very unsatisfied.
He frustratingly stuffed his mouth with cookies while grimacing down at eleven elven assembly lines, swigging a green goblet of extra-spiked eggnog. Production today is down three and a half percent. My plan was to end the day on a high note. Fuck this shit. Horny Santa always loved being ahead of production schedule and always loathed being behind it. Whatever. He finished his remaining cookie and eggnog. Day's over.
Horny Santa returned to his bed chamber to find an escort, one Mistress Claus, lying on her chest, wearing nothing but a sparkly, red-and-green g-string. She turned the other way around and smiled devilishly. "Why hello there, daddy."
"HO-HO!" daddy exclaimed. "Even though you've been such a naughty little girl, I literally decided, fuck it, and got you an early Christmas present."
"Daddy! You shouldn't have!"
"Oh, but I did. And you know I'm the boss." Horny Santa proceeded to pull an eight-inch nutcracker out of his pocket.
"Oh my goodness!" cried Mistress Claus. "It's so beautiful."
Horny Santa smiled smugly, eagerly, lustfully. "That it is. More importantly, it's useful!" He pressed his finger upon the nutcracker's chest, and its head started vibrating vehemently. Horny Santa walked slowly toward the bed on which Mistress Claus laid, and before she could remove her remaining garment, the jolly man was gently pressing his early Christmas gift against her moistening crotch.
It wasn't long before Mistress Claus instinctively reached for Horny Santa's own crotch. As usual, that region became rock-hard in less than ten seconds. He swiftly replaced the nutcracker with his nutsaber and suddenly, time and space for him and her became inundated by erotic pleasure and sexual unity.
* * *
After giving the gift of a fourth orgasm, Horny Santa jubilantly withdrew his pleasure-weapon and let Mistress Claus nutcrack him all over her chest.
Horny Santa now felt very satisfied, and passed the fuck out.
THE END
Naughty or Nice?
Secret Santa rides
naked in his sleigh,
privates covered
if I might say.
Making sure
his Christmas sack
is full of goodies
slung on his back.
Nocturnal activity
filling your stocking
giving you joy
and I’m not mocking!
Slips his Yule log
in sexy lace panty
playing reindeer games
like a vigilante.
Heat arising
melts snow off roof
you beg for more
it’s not a spoof!
He rings your bell
you dance around pole.
he comes upon a midnight clear
he’s fulfilled his sexual role.
He wipes his lips
and heads off home
promising missus
he did not roam!
Next year you prepare
milk and a cookie,
decorate yourself with a bow
all ready for some nooky.
Laid out for him like a platter
you hear the hooved patter
of little reindeer feet
nothing else can matter.
Santa Claus
is coming
to town!
Jolly old St. Nicholas
Has come to town
To tickle us
With toys galore
That he'll thrust
Into our chimneys
Slow and such
His bells are full
Of Christmas cheer
And he will be grinning
From ear to ear
As he rests his gift
Between our rears
For a bumpy sleigh ride
Santa's magic will flow
Through each of us
Like sticky white snow
As he grabs up his sack
And screams out Ho Ho Ho
Then it's on to the next house
For another reindeer show
Cold Blue
Santa is in a bad way
He really needs to get laid
Seeing the world’s beauties
Really gets his engine going
Beauty after beauty after beauty
In every state and country
And he can’t have any
Not even a quickie
Poor guy, are those ornaments
Or your balls?
That’s a pretty Earth blue
Hang in there
You have so much to do
And the world could be in your hands
Ewwww
I awakened to a noise. Not a usual noise. More like an...unusual noise. Something akin to hooved animals upon my roof. Being that it was Christmas Eve, I didn't immediately discount that possibility but, instead, got out of my warm bed, grabbed my Mossberg shotgun from the corner, and went to investigate the fracas. Reindeer, fine. Serial killer, not.
I tiptoed down the hallway from my bedroom to the living room and then peered around the corner to behold a naked fat man with a white beard and hair (ALL white) standing by the tree, sipping the soy milk and eating the chocolate chip cookies I had prepared (okay, I bought them) just for this possibility. Although I do admit I did not imagine that Santa would be in his birthday suit instead of his famous red and white one.
Then I realized he came down my chimney.
Jingle Balls
There's something about the feel
Of crushed velvet red
Against my shaved genitals
And the fur trim, ooh
Mama bends, a glance I steal
At the bloomers, hot
To watch her with carrots peel
Let me be reindeer
Then I'd close my lips a seal
To form perfect "O"
Glide her finger in, suck, squeal
Finger elsewhere, too
The scent of cookies, unreal
On her bosom blessed
This is why Christmas appeals
Oh, ...and the presents
“Extra Extra! Santa Exposed!”
WikiLeaks has discovered an article from "The North Pole Post" by journalist D. Metcalf
Santa has a secret. He will never tell his true story because if he did, he would ruin Christmas all over the world. Unfortunately for Santa, I'm feeling a bit naughty. I'm going to tell you Santa's secret. Just how he became Santa Clause is what we never hear about because it is his secret past, Santa's dirty little secret..
When Santa was a young man, if it weren't for the frigid North Pole weather he wouldn't keep many clothes on. He would also spend time in the barn with the reindeer. He claimed he was training them to fly but the reality of the situation was that he was trying to find the reindeer who could please him by using their noses. Thus we have Rudolph.
Santa had many intimate friends. Everyone seemed to like the chubby lad, even the strange group of short people, the Elves. Santa said they were just the right height.
Santa Clause discovered the ladies of the night. This is why he delivers his 'package' at this particular time screaming, "Ho Ho Ho!" He has always been jolly and frequently gay.
He aged. His white fluffy beard was fashionable at the North Pole. His passion could not be contained as he laid his eyes and heart on Mrs. Clause. She was fat too though the term 'chubby chaser' hadn't been discovered yet. Mrs. Clause was a daughter of the Gods. Her family had arranged her marriage to Dudley Wisen who wore red with black accessories.
One day, after a rendezvous in a large sack with his new love, she introduced Santa to her parents. Unbeknownst to Santa a piece of her underwear rested on his beard. The Gods were enraged! They considered the option to kill him. Mrs. Clause pleaded and begged for his life. They were given no choice but to accept their punishment. The following were his cursed conditions:
His balls would decorate trees
He would wear red with black garnishing
Rudolph would lead the pack
Elves would make the toys
He would work on the coldest night of the year screaming, "Ho Ho Ho! and live forever in the North Pole with Mrs. Clause.