So You Think You’re A Writer?: A Personal Roast

So you think you're a writer, dear self? 

Get in line! So does everybody else.

 It's 2017, The Era of The Opinionated Commenter, The Golden Age of BuzzFeed, and everyone with an iPhone and at least one working thumb thinks they could be the next J.K. Rowling or Stephen King with a little luck and a lot of coffee. You of all people should know that having a "unique viewpoint" isn't very unique at all, and certainly doesn't make you a writer. 

At best, it makes you an English major. 

At worst, it makes you a smartass. 

You're both, but you're especially a smartass. A chubby smartass who won't shut up about her own chubbiness, and that doesn't make you a writer. 

It doesn't make you Lena Dunham. Nobody likes Lena Dunham anyway, so why would they like you? Answer: they wouldn't. They don't. 

And wearing black-rimmed hipster glasses does not make you Tina Fey. Tina Fey is a whip-smart, articulate, brilliant wordsmith who can dissect the fabric of society within a sentence. You left Tumblr because you couldn't deal with a few mean comments. There's a bit of a difference there. 

You think you're a writer, dear self? Think again.