I’m So Tired

Something happened. I don't even remember what it was but somebody said something or I thought of something, I really don't remember. All I know is that I can't focus anymore. I'm sitting in my classroom, staring in front of me, not looking at anything but the air surrounding me. I can feel myself shaking a bit. My friend said something funny, the others laughed. I didn't hear it, I don't care. Why don't they stop laughing? Why do they keep talking, why are they so noisy? I decide to listen to music, at least I can control what my ears are going to hear. As I proceed, my friend asks if everything is alright. I say yes, out of reflex but they don't buy it. They ask again. Why can't they leave me with their questions. I say it again, I'm fine, I just wanna listen to some songs. They don't say anything about it, good. 

I plug in my headphones and turn up the music as loud as possible. I'm still shaking but I found a package of tissue paper in my bag while looking for my headphones so I can hold onto them. My friend taps on my shoulder. "Your music is quite loud can you please turn it down others can hear it too." I do. But with the music being not that loud anymore I can hear others talking again. I turn it up again, I don't care. I put my arms crossed on the table and rest my head on it, blocking out not only other noises but also the light. I close my eyes. I'm still clinging to a stupid package of tissues. 

I need something to drink, my throat is so dry. But I can't move. I can't make myself sit up again, I need to stay like this. So nothing to drink for me. The music is flooding my brain and I try not to think. I'm still thinking. I can feel tears forming in my eyes. Not now. I can't cry in the middle of a crowd. I'm almost ripping apart the package of tissues while the empty other hand was formed into a fist. I didn't realize that until now because my finger nails are digging into my own skin. It hurts but I can't stop, I can't open my hand. I'm trying to concentrate on my own breathing, maybe it'll take away my thoughts. It works for a moment, which is enough to at least sit up again and drink something. As I sit up, my head starts spinning. I take a quick sip from my bottle of water and get up. My friend probably asks where I'm going but the music is still playing, I can't hear them. 

I'm leaving the room, other people see me, look at me, god I wish they wouldn't. I almost reach the bathroom, a sweet little isolated room all to myself. I don't realize that I am nearly running when I bump into someone else, one of my teachers. I stumble backwards, not fully comprehending what happened. One of the headphones falls out of my ear. My teacher asks why I didn't look where I was going and if I was alright. I can't bring myself to open my mouth let alone answer him. I give them some sort of awkward 'sorry for running into you' nod and leave. 

Reaching the bathroom I actually let out a small sigh of relief. I quickly check all the cabin locks to see if anybody else is there but luckily there is no one. I get into one myself, lock the door and sit down on the closed toilet lid. Once my body understands that I am in privacy, the tears start flowing. I'm not even really sad or anything, it's just like a ventile being opened. I'm just starring in front of me, not even blinking but also not looking at anything in particular. I sit there for a while, still shaking and still clinging to a package of tissues. 

It takes quite a while for me to stop crying, it feels like hours. I try to move my hands and get my eyes to work properly again and look around the small room. They stop on the roll of toilet paper and I can basically feel my brain processing my thoughts. I slowly try and reach for it and I mean really slowly. I clean my nose once I managed to rip a few pieces off. My sense of responsibility comes back to me and I realize that I should be sitting in class again. I throw away the toilett paper and it occurs to me that I have a full package of actual tissues in my hand. I unlock the door and leave the bathroom. 

I'm walking back to the room I need to be in what feels like slow motion but I can't bring myself to be any faster. Finally standing in front of the door I feel even less capable of controlling any of my body parts than before. Just now it hits me that I probably look like shit, considering that I cried for quite a while. I rub the sleeves of my pullover over my eyes and hope that this will help miraculously. Actually I don't care, I don't feel anything right now. I just want to be left alone by everyone for a while. I get back inside, I don't know if anyone is looking at me. I get to my seat and sit down. My friend asks if I'm alright because I look like I cried. 

I fake a little smile and say It's okay. 

I'm just very tired. 

Tired from living through this every day.