We've been best friends for years before you finally told me how you felt. 

We've been a couple for two years before you told me about how your feelings for me changed, how the love vanished and how the spark died down. We didn't break up though. Not right away at least. 

You loved someone else, you already did for a while but tried to hide those feelings, even from yourself. When they told you that they suddenly wanted to be with you, there was no holding back. You left without looking back, unmindful of my feelings and enjoying your new life. At first only for some days but we still lived together so you had to come back eventually. When you did you told me about how happy they made you and that you two even slept together. We broke up not even 2 weeks before that. You expected me to be happy with this, because I always said "I'm happy as long as you are." How dumb of me to think you would interpret it like this.

I was there for you, through every up and down for the past 8 years, always there to catch you when you fall. They let you stumble and crash to the floor, even while laughing at you but you still loved them more. I helped you up, they kept you down. When you left the city and started to replace me with other, better people while I begged you to stay and talk to me, I remembered what you said in the night of the break up.

"I'm sorry, but this is how it is. This is not your fault, this is entirely me."

And I couldn't agree on anything else more with you than this.

Halfway through the laughter

I stop and I stare.

In front of me nothing,

Nothing but despair.

My friends all around me

And I should be glad.

But somehow I'm not, 

Why am I sad?

I say, I've got to go,

I've got places to be.

Although I don't have to, 

Not in reality.

I leave and walk home,

Still wondering how,

My mood changed from happy

To numb just now.

As I reach my house, 

I sit on my bed.

I can't move anymore.

I feel so dead.

I wish I could leave

And be far, far away.

In a Place, where no one knows me.

Where I could stay.

I want to be alone

With no one around.

Just me and myself

And all my sorrows drowned.

But I don't want to feel this,

I don't want to be lonely.

Just alone for a little.

Nothing but the darkness consuming me only.

So I lay down

And I close my eyes,

Imagining to be in Space

Or somewhere nice.

My phone was ringing 

But I didnt listen.

I kept floating.

Escaping my own prison.

I must have fallen asleep

Because when I awoke

My phone was still ringing

And my heart once again broke.

I'm still the same

And I'm still here.

I'm not drifting or floating 

I still didn't disappear.

So I sigh so deeply

And pick up my phone. 

My friend asks me how I feel

And if I'm alone.

I tell them I'm fine 

And yes, I am.

I don't need a companion.

Just let it be, goddamn!

I simply hang up,

I don't let them speak.

I'm back in the silence

that I desperately seek.

I get back to the land between dream and reality

And float and drift and fly and fall.

Because here I feel welcome, here I feel safe.

With nobody else, with no one at all.

Something happened. I don't even remember what it was but somebody said something or I thought of something, I really don't remember. All I know is that I can't focus anymore. I'm sitting in my classroom, staring in front of me, not looking at anything but the air surrounding me. I can feel myself shaking a bit. My friend said something funny, the others laughed. I didn't hear it, I don't care. Why don't they stop laughing? Why do they keep talking, why are they so noisy? I decide to listen to music, at least I can control what my ears are going to hear. As I proceed, my friend asks if everything is alright. I say yes, out of reflex but they don't buy it. They ask again. Why can't they leave me with their questions. I say it again, I'm fine, I just wanna listen to some songs. They don't say anything about it, good. 

I plug in my headphones and turn up the music as loud as possible. I'm still shaking but I found a package of tissue paper in my bag while looking for my headphones so I can hold onto them. My friend taps on my shoulder. "Your music is quite loud can you please turn it down others can hear it too." I do. But with the music being not that loud anymore I can hear others talking again. I turn it up again, I don't care. I put my arms crossed on the table and rest my head on it, blocking out not only other noises but also the light. I close my eyes. I'm still clinging to a stupid package of tissues. 

I need something to drink, my throat is so dry. But I can't move. I can't make myself sit up again, I need to stay like this. So nothing to drink for me. The music is flooding my brain and I try not to think. I'm still thinking. I can feel tears forming in my eyes. Not now. I can't cry in the middle of a crowd. I'm almost ripping apart the package of tissues while the empty other hand was formed into a fist. I didn't realize that until now because my finger nails are digging into my own skin. It hurts but I can't stop, I can't open my hand. I'm trying to concentrate on my own breathing, maybe it'll take away my thoughts. It works for a moment, which is enough to at least sit up again and drink something. As I sit up, my head starts spinning. I take a quick sip from my bottle of water and get up. My friend probably asks where I'm going but the music is still playing, I can't hear them. 

I'm leaving the room, other people see me, look at me, god I wish they wouldn't. I almost reach the bathroom, a sweet little isolated room all to myself. I don't realize that I am nearly running when I bump into someone else, one of my teachers. I stumble backwards, not fully comprehending what happened. One of the headphones falls out of my ear. My teacher asks why I didn't look where I was going and if I was alright. I can't bring myself to open my mouth let alone answer him. I give them some sort of awkward 'sorry for running into you' nod and leave. 

Reaching the bathroom I actually let out a small sigh of relief. I quickly check all the cabin locks to see if anybody else is there but luckily there is no one. I get into one myself, lock the door and sit down on the closed toilet lid. Once my body understands that I am in privacy, the tears start flowing. I'm not even really sad or anything, it's just like a ventile being opened. I'm just starring in front of me, not even blinking but also not looking at anything in particular. I sit there for a while, still shaking and still clinging to a package of tissues. 

It takes quite a while for me to stop crying, it feels like hours. I try to move my hands and get my eyes to work properly again and look around the small room. They stop on the roll of toilet paper and I can basically feel my brain processing my thoughts. I slowly try and reach for it and I mean really slowly. I clean my nose once I managed to rip a few pieces off. My sense of responsibility comes back to me and I realize that I should be sitting in class again. I throw away the toilett paper and it occurs to me that I have a full package of actual tissues in my hand. I unlock the door and leave the bathroom. 

I'm walking back to the room I need to be in what feels like slow motion but I can't bring myself to be any faster. Finally standing in front of the door I feel even less capable of controlling any of my body parts than before. Just now it hits me that I probably look like shit, considering that I cried for quite a while. I rub the sleeves of my pullover over my eyes and hope that this will help miraculously. Actually I don't care, I don't feel anything right now. I just want to be left alone by everyone for a while. I get back inside, I don't know if anyone is looking at me. I get to my seat and sit down. My friend asks if I'm alright because I look like I cried. 

I fake a little smile and say It's okay. 

I'm just very tired. 

Tired from living through this every day. 

The first drops on the window glass are always the nicest. Maybe it made you jump but once you realized where the noise is coming from, a smile forms on your lips. As the sky darkens and the sound of water splashing on the ground grows louder, you turn off the TV and just look outside. You watch the drops run down the window, getting a little excited when two of them finally meet to become one.

Your attention is focused on this tiny action when the first lightning appears between the grey clouds. You look up and wait expectantly for the crashing sound of the thunder. It takes a few seconds before your waiting pays off. The air is filled with different noises as you head outside to feel the water on your skin. As you open your door the variety of sounds hits you again. It's also probably cold but you don't mind either of these things. You look directly up into the sky while drips and drops run down your face. Even though you expect the next bright lightning and the next growling thunder you still flinch as it happens. The distance between light and noise get smaller and smaller until they almost appear at the same time. This is always the best moment.

You see a few people running to their cars, their houses or any kind of shelter that keeps them save from the rain, clinging to their umbrellas, their kids, their loved ones they were out with. Between the cold drops from the sky you felt the warmth of different water on your cheeks. Tears. You were alone outside but somehow it didn't matter. As long as you can dance in the rain, company wasn't needed. The rain was your best company. 

One

More

Dead

Man

Finally 

Makes

A

Total

Of

Ten

I have been hiding in my room for a few days now. Maybe longer, it doesn't matter. You see, the thing is people are trying to tell me that I'm making this up. For attention or out of boredom or whatever they call it. But I swear that I'm honest, always have been. The reason I'm in my room is simple. Safety. I can't go out there without hearing them. I tried to ignore them but they would get louder and they would start screaming and yelling until I couldn't bear it anymore. They can't get to me in here though. I don't know why. I just know that I prefer the silence by now. 

Of course, my family wouldn't believe me. Why would they, they obey to them since the first time I heard them. I figured that they're manipulating them. But they won't get me. I'm not that stupid. I will stay in safety until I know how to deal with them. My family stopped trying to get me out of my room. They also stopped hitting and scratching the door. I think they finally gave up. Sometimes I would here one of them shuffling across the hallway on the other side but most of the time I was alone with the silence of my room. It was delightful. Wait, who is wailing downstairs? Did my father hit my sister again? I need to check on her. But I can't leave. I can't help her. This is my fault. How much can I do from here without going outside? I'm yelling that he should leave her alone. Silence. The wailing stopped. Good, he listened to me. I jump from my bed as something thumps against the door. Leave me alone. Go away. Another thump. What is this? I thought they gave up? I'm not coming out of here, you know that! I hear a rustling noise from the window. I peek outside, just enough to see, not to be seen but there is no one. Silence again. At the door and the window. I get back to my bed. 

Suddenly I hear someone say my name. Over and over. Then other words. Random words, like the names of my family or objects I own. No. They can't get in here. I was safe here. I hear more words. Sentences. Orders. Thoughts, but not mine. I throw myself onto the bed and cover my ears. I can still hear them. They get louder and angrier with every spoken word. What do I do, what do I do?? I pull the blanket over my head, yet nothing changes. They seem to make conversation, with each other or with me, I don't know. When did I start answering them? When did I open the window? When did I get up on the window sill? Why are there people below me, on the street, shouting and crying? I should get down as fast as possible and ask them if they hear the voices too. Before it's too late. Before they can take me as well. 

I have been hiding in my room for a few days now. Maybe longer, it doesn't matter. You see, the thing is people are trying to tell me that I'm making this up. For attention or out of boredom or whatever they call it. But I swear that I'm honest, always have been. The reason I'm in my room is simple. Safety. I can't go out there without hearing them. I tried to ignore them but they would get louder and they would start screaming and yelling until I couldn't bear it anymore. They can't get to me in here though. I don't know why. I just know that I prefer the silence by now. 

Of course, my family wouldn't believe me. Why would they, they obey to them since the first time I heard them. I figured that they're manipulating them. But they won't get me. I'm not that stupid. I will stay in safety until I know how to deal with them. My family stopped trying to get me out of my room. They also stopped hitting and scratching the door. I think they finally gave up. Sometimes I would here one of them shuffling across the hallway on the other side but most of the time I was alone with the silence of my room. It was delightful. Wait, who is wailing downstairs? Did my father hit my sister again? I need to check on her. But I can't leave. I can't help her. This is my fault. How much can I do from here without going outside? I'm yelling that he should leave her alone. Silence. The wailing stopped. Good, he listened to me. I jump from my bed as something thumps against the door. Leave me alone. Go away. Another thump. What is this? I thought they gave up? I'm not coming out of here, you know that! I hear a rustling noise from the window. I peek outside, just enough to see, not to be seen but there is no one. Silence again. At the door and the window. I get back to my bed. 

Suddenly I hear someone say my name. Over and over. Then other words. Random words, like the names of my family or objects in my room. No. They can't get in here. I was safe here. I hear more words. Sentences. Orders. Thoughts, but not mine. I throw myself onto the bed and cover my ears. I can still hear them. They get louder and angrier with every spoken word. What do I do, what do I do?? I pull the blanket over my head, yet nothing changes. They seem to make conversation, with each other or with me, I don't know. 

When did I start answering them? When did I open the window? When did I get up on the window sill? Why are there people below me, on the street, shouting and crying? I should get down as fast as possible and ask them if they hear the voices too. Before it's too late. Before they can take me as well.