Tick Tock

My only wish is for peace. Always has been and always will be. I try to change it up, don't want to wish for the same thing every time the clock strikes midnight. I know peace will never come to me in this life. And all latin phrases bullshit aside, it's too late to prepare for war. I've always been at war. With myself, with other people who try to control my life, people who love me, just people in general. Its easy to use that hatred of people to justify my actions, but it's not an excuse. I do what I want, when I want, without remorse. There is no guilt, no feeling sorry for the hurt and pain I have caused these people. All of them. I enjoyed using and manipulating people to get my way, and I cried like a little baby boy when I didn't get it. Alot of that changed when my mother died. My I dont give a fuck meter shot through the roof. I'm a man now, and I still am learning how to be a man. Thirty years and I'm just getting started. Her death left me on my own without anyone to control and take care of me. Except for me. And of course, I took it a little too far. All that hate and violence inside of me that I was trying to get rid of, it consumed me. I used my grief and anger as an excuse to hurt alot of people back here. I became the monster that I really wanted to be. I love this shit, being a psychopath, a criminal, a killer. It's who I am, who I was born to be. I can't let that part of me go, I don't want to. I don't want much, I'm a simple man. But I'm still a boy inside, and I want what I want. I had to lose my mother to realize that if I want something, I have to go get it, earn it, take it, whatever it takes. And I have spent the last decade convincing myself that what I want is to run far away and be small, since killing seven billion people seems like too much work. I thought I wanted to be alone, and sometimes I still do. But I want you more. You love me and that means something to me. It makes sense, more sense than anything else in my life right now. I live with a lot of lies and deceit. In here and out there. I don't trust anybody at all. I realized something about human nature in here, and that is that nothing wants to die. Humans will do anything to stay alive, including lying to those they love, betraying each other, all kinds of fucked up shit. I've been on both sides of that shit. But I can't do that with you. Our entire relationship is based on a truth. One that I was man enough to come at you with. Yeah, I'm a scammer alright, and I'm fucking good at it. But I was never running game on you. I may have used 92 or so tricks I picked up along the way. I lied to you, I've been deceitful. But I never have, nor would I ever betray you. And not because I love you, but because you saved my life. I was looking for a way out, it seems that I have found it. I just dont know how to go from psychopathic murderer convict to domestic man with a wife and two dogs. I don't know how to find a balance between the two either. What I do know is that I have you already. And that's all I want now. The only thing I never knew that I even wanted. You believe in me Gosia. That's all I need. What worries me is that the only thing keeping us together is a thousand dollar piece of technology that I have to fight and maybe kill for because of the hundreds of people who would try to take that away from me. It would hurt you worse than me if we lost contact. I think I'm better at holding onto fairy tale dreams. The truth is I want to die. Just not here. And not alone, and not for a long time. Because I got a really long time to go. I got a lot of fight left in me. And I'm gonna be with you. It's what I want so it's what I'm gonna get. And I'm not gonna cry like a little baby boy ever again. I'm gonna scream like a fucking savage rabid beast and see this shit through. You fell in love with me while I was in here, you knew what you signed up for. Do you still love me?