This is my brain on Magik

Full of fun filled static

Can't think, can't speak, can't hear

Nothing making sense, so unclear

Puzzling to me she keeps me calm

Missing pieces fit in her palm

This night I am pouring out my heart

Until her cup overflows then I'll restart

Awake to text from me, it's been awhile

Always surprising you, making you smile

My words are true but definitely calculated

So simple are these stupid games we play

Guess what besides I love you like crazy

What you gonna do now baby

Stare at your pictures all night

Pull you close and hold you tight

Just like a real man should

Bad boy but man I'm good

All the words I've said, gotten inside your head

Let me in your life, kitchen, bathroom and bed

Never took you for granted, tho I'm sure I tried

Always told you the truth, tho I'm sure you cried

Pain is part of love, and joy is part of hate

Alone we sink, but together we elevate

Stuck around for the ride, loyal as can be

Enough of these rhymes, enjoy your poetry

Words used to arrange an idea to share

Artistically designed to show you I care

Point is I'm never satisfied with what I write

Frustrating it is facing these empty lines

Paper mocking me, daring my pen to move

What the fuck do I have to lose

Talent, a gift i was born to explain and explore

Crafting these words through literary fanmail and folklore

But the story of us is as yet unwritten

I want you to feel me in every sentence

Know that I love you when I don't mention it

One day, every night together, envision it

Time is long and hard on us both, no doubt

But every day we seem to tough it out

Knowing what you are and what you are not

Showing all of yourself without any thought

No fear of judgment or condemnation

No filters or punches pulled honest relationship

We are not perfect but we are awesome

We were a seed, look at how we blossomed

I lost it all but gained so much more

When I walked in and slammed the door

Another one opened but there's bars on the window

What the hell did I get myself into

Everyone left, good riddance, goodbye

And thats when you came into my life

Perfect timing or another opportunity?

Man and wife none too soon to be

As far as I can tell, hear and see

You're the only thing real to me

The only one I want and want so damn bad

When you're happy, glad, sad and mad

Did I mention how much I love you?

That I put no one above you

Twists and turns, the plot thickens

Time goes on, the clock keeps ticking

This is my life now, this is just us

Don't you think that's more than enough?

Four walls, metal and concrete built.

In this home, we wither and wilt.

Toilet and sink, amenities designed.

Honed to perfection, perspective redefined.

Bars on the windows, tiny little space.

Hard on the spinal, thin mattress on which I lay.

My whole life i have had to answer to other people. It's expected of everyone in a civilized society. Hello, I'm a savage, hardly civilized, yet that's where i was born and raised. And they found the perfect place for my kind. A place where i am always accountable to other men, where they still ask me questions and expect answers. I understand that people dont like to be ignored, that they take it as a sign of disrespect. In a civilized society, this may lead to hurt feelings or harsh words exchanged. On the more savage fringes of that society, and especially outside its protection, violence follows. To not answer a hey buddy how ya doin can get your fucking head chopped off and your food taken. Personally, i dont give a fuck about any of it. I still ignore people, even when they are right in my face wielding a machete. I calmly explain to them that its nothing against you, and i wish you wouldn't take it personal. Its just that sometimes, I'm not here. And you are interrupting my reverie, so please leave me alone. Sometimes they do leave me alone. Sometimes i take the machete and chop off their head. Either way, they leave me alone. If i do respond to you then you can assume that i give a fuck about you. You're welcome. I am an asshole, but i warn everybody when i meet them. You've been warned. So if you ask me if I'm ok, or what's wrong, or some other fucking stupid question that i have to come back to reality to answer and i dont answer or i stay away, just know that this is me. If you wanna fight me, see me behind the line. Bullets dont work here haha but I'm really good with a knife. Even better with two.

Sometimes i wish i could go days, weeks even, without talking to another human. I know i could do it for the rest of my life and be ok. Truth is, i dont think i am even capable of loving anything anymore. All the hate, anger, lies, deceit, violence, and death led me to a crossroads in my life. And i went what i thought was the right way for me. I still do. But something is pulling me back in the direction that i came from. That old familiar place where love is not just a word, but something i can actually feel. And where hate isn't just a word, but the motivation for me to hurt people.So now im back at that crossroads and i take a few steps to the right, backtrack, and take a few steps to the left. I repeat this pattern over and over. And people wonder why i dont want to answer questions and talk or pretend to be friends. Im trying to figure out how to bring these two roads together. That has proved impossible, as it's one or the other. Its something i struggle with inside every day, but rarely talk about. I only have two people i can talk to about real shit. One has his own problems and the other has this curse of falling in love with me. He understands because he lives with me and sees the same struggle in me that we both go through every day. She knows some of it, but she doesn't live it with me. She has never seen the anger and frustration clearly visible on my face every day when i wake up in this hell. But because he does, it makes me want to talk to him even less. Only she would understand that! Its like the more you care or the harder you try, the more i push you away. Its one of the few things about myself that i have never been able to change. I realize now that i dont want to change it then. Makes sense, right? She doesn't understand why i want to sleep outside, but she'll learn to deal with it. I will never sleep in another person's house again. I would rather sleep in the woods. And when i die, i want it to be far away from civilization. Way out in the wilderness. And i want my body to either rot into the ground and fertilize new plants, or for animals to eat my flesh. I refuse to be buried in a box or have my people waste money to cremate me and hold onto my ashes. Let me go. Let me be free. I'll be back. I may go far and for long, but i will always come back. Just know that im gonna sleep in the backyard in a hammock. And a fire in the winter. Thats the best you're gonna get. Oh, and you have to rub my back before i go to sleep.

My only wish is for peace. Always has been and always will be. I try to change it up, don't want to wish for the same thing every time the clock strikes midnight. I know peace will never come to me in this life. And all latin phrases bullshit aside, it's too late to prepare for war. I've always been at war. With myself, with other people who try to control my life, people who love me, just people in general. Its easy to use that hatred of people to justify my actions, but it's not an excuse. I do what I want, when I want, without remorse. There is no guilt, no feeling sorry for the hurt and pain I have caused these people. All of them. I enjoyed using and manipulating people to get my way, and I cried like a little baby boy when I didn't get it. Alot of that changed when my mother died. My I dont give a fuck meter shot through the roof. I'm a man now, and I still am learning how to be a man. Thirty years and I'm just getting started. Her death left me on my own without anyone to control and take care of me. Except for me. And of course, I took it a little too far. All that hate and violence inside of me that I was trying to get rid of, it consumed me. I used my grief and anger as an excuse to hurt alot of people back here. I became the monster that I really wanted to be. I love this shit, being a psychopath, a criminal, a killer. It's who I am, who I was born to be. I can't let that part of me go, I don't want to. I don't want much, I'm a simple man. But I'm still a boy inside, and I want what I want. I had to lose my mother to realize that if I want something, I have to go get it, earn it, take it, whatever it takes. And I have spent the last decade convincing myself that what I want is to run far away and be small, since killing seven billion people seems like too much work. I thought I wanted to be alone, and sometimes I still do. But I want you more. You love me and that means something to me. It makes sense, more sense than anything else in my life right now. I live with a lot of lies and deceit. In here and out there. I don't trust anybody at all. I realized something about human nature in here, and that is that nothing wants to die. Humans will do anything to stay alive, including lying to those they love, betraying each other, all kinds of fucked up shit. I've been on both sides of that shit. But I can't do that with you. Our entire relationship is based on a truth. One that I was man enough to come at you with. Yeah, I'm a scammer alright, and I'm fucking good at it. But I was never running game on you. I may have used 92 or so tricks I picked up along the way. I lied to you, I've been deceitful. But I never have, nor would I ever betray you. And not because I love you, but because you saved my life. I was looking for a way out, it seems that I have found it. I just dont know how to go from psychopathic murderer convict to domestic man with a wife and two dogs. I don't know how to find a balance between the two either. What I do know is that I have you already. And that's all I want now. The only thing I never knew that I even wanted. You believe in me Gosia. That's all I need. What worries me is that the only thing keeping us together is a thousand dollar piece of technology that I have to fight and maybe kill for because of the hundreds of people who would try to take that away from me. It would hurt you worse than me if we lost contact. I think I'm better at holding onto fairy tale dreams. The truth is I want to die. Just not here. And not alone, and not for a long time. Because I got a really long time to go. I got a lot of fight left in me. And I'm gonna be with you. It's what I want so it's what I'm gonna get. And I'm not gonna cry like a little baby boy ever again. I'm gonna scream like a fucking savage rabid beast and see this shit through. You fell in love with me while I was in here, you knew what you signed up for. Do you still love me? 

You only like when I write about you, sunshine, I got news for you.

Ignoring the shit that I'm going through, alright, I got bigger boots.

Find me pretty, make me happy, did you miss me?

Fight here daily, I'm still stabbing, today they missed me.

Worlds apart and divided by three fences, criminal offenses.

Words allay the fear and confided in meant it, written in contextual sentences.

It's not me you want, it's what I can do, so you ask.

That's not me you love, it's something I can't do, so this mask.

I caught a scent across the pond

Of which I've grown quite fond

She is free to do whatever she wants

I am caged and unable to hunt

She loves me and waits patiently just as I do

So she took photos of a tiger at the zoo

Better than me she knows how it feels

I am her tiger, kiss the cage that seals the deal