How To Ignore People

My whole life i have had to answer to other people. It's expected of everyone in a civilized society. Hello, I'm a savage, hardly civilized, yet that's where i was born and raised. And they found the perfect place for my kind. A place where i am always accountable to other men, where they still ask me questions and expect answers. I understand that people dont like to be ignored, that they take it as a sign of disrespect. In a civilized society, this may lead to hurt feelings or harsh words exchanged. On the more savage fringes of that society, and especially outside its protection, violence follows. To not answer a hey buddy how ya doin can get your fucking head chopped off and your food taken. Personally, i dont give a fuck about any of it. I still ignore people, even when they are right in my face wielding a machete. I calmly explain to them that its nothing against you, and i wish you wouldn't take it personal. Its just that sometimes, I'm not here. And you are interrupting my reverie, so please leave me alone. Sometimes they do leave me alone. Sometimes i take the machete and chop off their head. Either way, they leave me alone. If i do respond to you then you can assume that i give a fuck about you. You're welcome. I am an asshole, but i warn everybody when i meet them. You've been warned. So if you ask me if I'm ok, or what's wrong, or some other fucking stupid question that i have to come back to reality to answer and i dont answer or i stay away, just know that this is me. If you wanna fight me, see me behind the line. Bullets dont work here haha but I'm really good with a knife. Even better with two.

Sometimes i wish i could go days, weeks even, without talking to another human. I know i could do it for the rest of my life and be ok. Truth is, i dont think i am even capable of loving anything anymore. All the hate, anger, lies, deceit, violence, and death led me to a crossroads in my life. And i went what i thought was the right way for me. I still do. But something is pulling me back in the direction that i came from. That old familiar place where love is not just a word, but something i can actually feel. And where hate isn't just a word, but the motivation for me to hurt people.So now im back at that crossroads and i take a few steps to the right, backtrack, and take a few steps to the left. I repeat this pattern over and over. And people wonder why i dont want to answer questions and talk or pretend to be friends. Im trying to figure out how to bring these two roads together. That has proved impossible, as it's one or the other. Its something i struggle with inside every day, but rarely talk about. I only have two people i can talk to about real shit. One has his own problems and the other has this curse of falling in love with me. He understands because he lives with me and sees the same struggle in me that we both go through every day. She knows some of it, but she doesn't live it with me. She has never seen the anger and frustration clearly visible on my face every day when i wake up in this hell. But because he does, it makes me want to talk to him even less. Only she would understand that! Its like the more you care or the harder you try, the more i push you away. Its one of the few things about myself that i have never been able to change. I realize now that i dont want to change it then. Makes sense, right? She doesn't understand why i want to sleep outside, but she'll learn to deal with it. I will never sleep in another person's house again. I would rather sleep in the woods. And when i die, i want it to be far away from civilization. Way out in the wilderness. And i want my body to either rot into the ground and fertilize new plants, or for animals to eat my flesh. I refuse to be buried in a box or have my people waste money to cremate me and hold onto my ashes. Let me go. Let me be free. I'll be back. I may go far and for long, but i will always come back. Just know that im gonna sleep in the backyard in a hammock. And a fire in the winter. Thats the best you're gonna get. Oh, and you have to rub my back before i go to sleep.