#DearDiary

For some people we wait for Mr. Right, that missing puzzle piece to complete our lives. So what happens when you find him, what happens when he somehow manages to make everything in your life better. For me I let him go. Right about now you're probably saying "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" in truth, I have no idea. I self-destruct everything good in my life because there's this sick twisted fucked up voice in my head that tells me "YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, YOU'RE WORTHLESS AND UNLOVABLE" and I believe what that voice says because it makes sense....why wouldn't it. I'm ugly, fat chubby cheeks and a chin that if I don't sit up straight appears to be one big ball of fat. Of course that only compliments my flabby arms and thunder thighs not to mention this....this massive useless fat that is my belly. How could I subject anyone to that, to have them touch any part of my body. How could I knowingly be the reason that we were looked at and made fun of. I refuse to be an embarrassment to him, to bring him any kind of shame. Of course I wanted to be selfish and stay with him but would that be fair to him. To have him constantly reassure me, I couldn't do that. I couldn't keep him not when I knew he had so much more potential than he realized. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that I was holding him back and so I let him go. And it's killing me knowing that I won't be able to say I LOVE YOU everyday, to hear his voice or his laugh.....his laugh that sealed my fate and made me give him my heart completely. I hate when people say love isn't real or it doesn't exist because it does. Love fuckin hurts. When you're truly honest to God in love with someone and it's gone in a split second it kills you. I regret ever doing what I did but then again I don't. I was never good enough, not for him anyways and I so badly wanted to be his forever but I'm not and I know he hates me. Every day apart from him is torture and I deserve it. I deserve him ignoring me and not replying to my texts. I deserve to wonder if he's happy now that I'm gone but most of all I deserve to be alone, miserably self-deprecating in my own pity.