I don’t know

I didn't talk much as a kid. I grew up in my brothers shadow and never needed to learn many social skills, all of the expectations bestowed upon me were from my brothers words not the actions I took. I only talked when spoken too or when it was entirely necessary. This came from many factors. You see I was like the mini Noah, only not as out going or book smart. I was scared of being a disappointment if people really found out my personality as Noah had built up so many expectations of who I should be. So I stayed quiet, scared to tarnish my reputation. But me staying quiet and only saying things when it was entirely necessary to or when I had thought about them more times then I could count and more throughly then ever necessary and not asking questions but trying to figure it out myself so I wouldn't look stupid, it required me to grow up quickly because people thought I knew more then I actually did, I never questioned things, out loud at least, so people thought of me as more mature then people my age. It allowed me to learn and hear things at an age where most people wouldn't, only because I would sit quietly and not react, just take in information because of this it made me think I could do things at a younger age because I could handle it well, I never spoke about my feelings because, I thought adults had everything figured out and that emotions were a childish thing that kids were figuring out, so I suppressed a lot of feelings and emotions I had. It made me fall behind in a lot of my social developments and I haven't caught up yet, I'm only just figuring out my problems because I'm only just realizing I have them. I'm only just starting to learn about myself because I'm realizing I don't actually know me, I thought I did because I figured out I was trans, I thought that was me just trans, that was my whole identity there wasn't anything else. I'm in a relationship with this amazing girl right now and I dumped every last emotion I had on her because I've only just realized I have emotions, I think I ruined things, I think I was too much, she wants a break and she told me to stop talking to her and I've thought a lot the last two days why that is. I thought I knew me, I've realized I don't actually know the first thing about me