I moved recently. There's this girl I like that I used to go to school with. It was only after I moved that I had the courage to start actually talking to her, to tell her that I like her. Every time my phone vibrates my heart starts to race and I hope it's a message from her. I was too scared to talk to her before, scared I might say something wrong, scared she wouldn't want to talk to me. Turns out she likes me too and now I can't figure out how to string two words together because what if it's too much for her, what if I'm rushing into things. I want to tell her how much I regret things in life, how much I regret how awkward I am. How I regret only hugging her once, how I regret that we didn't hang out before. How much I miss her even though I talk to her all the time. How much I miss the sound of her voice, the look in her eyes when she laughs, truly, honestly laughs, how her whole face lights up. How scared I am of relationships, how I ruin them before they even start because its easier to get over the heartbreak when you have a say in it. I want to be honest with her but sometimes I feel like I'm too much for even me to handle, let alone anyone else.

You got upset because I didn't like the shirts you gave me, that you custom made so here's an explanation.

Some people don't like labels, I do. I love them. I love have the security in knowing who I am. I like being able to say that I'm a queer trans guy. The thing is, I don't flaunt that, I don't have enough security to flaunt that. We live in a society that trans people get murdered for being trans. People are murdered because they aren't someone's definition of normal.

"Can't think straight," is a great saying it's funny and true. My labels are constantly changing but I'm a guy and I like girls and guys sometimes, but right now I'm not secure enough in my masculinity to date guys because I feel like it's a competition to prove that I'm enough of a guy, so right now at least, I'm straight, I date girls and I like girls.

I don't like the word transcend, I'm not transcending the gender binary, I'm a guy plain and simple, maybe a trans guy but I'm a guy before all of that.

I don't like having the, trans symbol, I guess, on me, the pin is cool and yes being trans is a part of me but it's not my whole identity and you seem to think it's the only thing that matters and you make me feel like all the other parts of me don't matter. I'm pretty okay at art, I drew a giant map on my wall of the world and each country is painted with the design of its flag. I'm a hell of a good cook. But you seem to not care about those things.

I like to think the are good people, that things aren't that bad, like they are fucking pieces of shit. Then they go and threaten us and say shit to us and it gets so bad but then they say sorry and i get over it because its easier to act like that means something. I'm sure it meant something the first few years. The threats were mostly empty but it's starting to change, things are getting more serious, more real. 

Parents are supposed to be the people you rely on, the people you can trust, the people who love you unconditionally. I do think they love me and i think they mean good but they really aren't good people.

I didn't talk much as a kid. I grew up in my brothers shadow and never needed to learn many social skills, all of the expectations bestowed upon me were from my brothers words not the actions I took. I only talked when spoken too or when it was entirely necessary. This came from many factors. You see I was like the mini Noah, only not as out going or book smart. I was scared of being a disappointment if people really found out my personality as Noah had built up so many expectations of who I should be. So I stayed quiet, scared to tarnish my reputation. But me staying quiet and only saying things when it was entirely necessary to or when I had thought about them more times then I could count and more throughly then ever necessary and not asking questions but trying to figure it out myself so I wouldn't look stupid, it required me to grow up quickly because people thought I knew more then I actually did, I never questioned things, out loud at least, so people thought of me as more mature then people my age. It allowed me to learn and hear things at an age where most people wouldn't, only because I would sit quietly and not react, just take in information because of this it made me think I could do things at a younger age because I could handle it well, I never spoke about my feelings because, I thought adults had everything figured out and that emotions were a childish thing that kids were figuring out, so I suppressed a lot of feelings and emotions I had. It made me fall behind in a lot of my social developments and I haven't caught up yet, I'm only just figuring out my problems because I'm only just realizing I have them. I'm only just starting to learn about myself because I'm realizing I don't actually know me, I thought I did because I figured out I was trans, I thought that was me just trans, that was my whole identity there wasn't anything else. I'm in a relationship with this amazing girl right now and I dumped every last emotion I had on her because I've only just realized I have emotions, I think I ruined things, I think I was too much, she wants a break and she told me to stop talking to her and I've thought a lot the last two days why that is. I thought I knew me, I've realized I don't actually know the first thing about me

My parents told me they hated me and regretted ever having me. It's all because I moved two inches away from my mother during dinner so she wouldn't elbow me when cutting her sandwich. She started crying and saying she didn't deserve being treated like this, then my father said there are times when I really hate you and this is one of those times. They have told me an innumerable amount of times that they hate me and don't want me. But this time it kind of hit me. I'm the reason two people have regretted the last 16 years of their lives. It kind of sucks.

Isn't it just magic how at one point someones touch can feel like the whole world, and the very next it's like fire which you can't bare to be too close to.

I did it again, I gave my self to someone, all of me, my vulnerable parts, all the parts I can't bare to tell anyone, all the parts I can't bare to show anyone. He said he loved me, and I believe him, he still does and I still love him too. I just don't know 

I gave my whole self to you and I don't think I can just do that casually. I loved you and I thought that went away when you moved, but it didn't, when you came back, I couldn't help but love you even more.

I am head over heals in love with you, and you well, you love him. We mess around like the teenagers we are. I get every part of you he doesn't want and yet you still can't see the things I feel for you. Cause every night you still come home to him and tell him I love you. I know I should let you go but I don't know if it will hurt more to tell you to stay or go. So here we are, there won't be a day that goes by where I won't get butterflies every time your name shows up.

I don't know why we are here. I don't know the point of life. That has held me back a lot and still does and I think its always going to. I have lived with depression my whole life and it really hit me in the 7th grade i'm a junior in high school now and i would like to think i'm over it now. I got through it by myself and talked myself through it. Recently I have taken a lot of interest in twloha, or to write love on her arms, it's helped me a lot recently. 

I have my first endocrinologist appointment on September 13, 2016. I have thought about going on hormones for two years now and I still don't know if it's right for me. I think it is and I have gone through periods of my like where I thought it was the best thing for me, and other times where I wasn't sure and now i'm not. I hope it is though.

I like the twloha shirts and I have a few I wear a lot of them but i'm scared to wear some of them out of the house. I'm still not confident enough in my self to believe and stand up with what i believe in and agree with.

I want to matter in life but I also want to be happy, and right now i think i'm worrying too much about the matter part.

I love you. I know you don't know this but I do. I love you.

L.O.V.E. Love, it's a hell of a thing, I though I knew what it was, but that night it changed my perception. I though I loved you. I really wanted to believe I did but now that I look back on it, that wasn't love. It was infatuation. What we did that night was not love. I may have been loving you, but it wasn't love, it was rushed and careless.

The night you stayed over was something I wasn't expecting. Earlier that day you said after supper you had to leave to go to a friends house. I was okay with this, but things quickly changed that day. You never left that night, you didn't leave until the next morning. I asked you to and made sure you knew it was okay if you did. I think that what I said made you feel that I thought what we did was a mistake. I didn't but I was scared that you would see it as a mistake. You won't talk to me anymore, you stop our conversations short. I don't hate you, I never did and I never will.