A LETTER TO MY FATHER

Hey,

You're not here & I'm wondering... well, I'm starting to wonder if I wish you were.

I can't remember when it was that you decided you didn't want to see me anymore, that you didn't want to be in my life anymore. It's probably around a decade.

Ten years without a father.

At the time, I admit I was glad to see you go. I was sick of your angry silence; sick of only being spoken to when I'd done wrong & you needed to yell.

I was sick of the way you treated mum. She did everything for you! She fucking stood by you for almost twenty fucking years! She gave you her all! & still you demanded more.

Selfish bastard.

But... she also gave you children that you didn't want & you resented her for that.

Yeh, I know. I heard you say it.

For years I called you every vulgar name under the sun. For years, I hated you. I hated you so much I couldn't even think about you without getting mad.

I wished so hard that things had been different, that you had been the perfect father.

I made up stories in my head of fake hugs, fake picnics, fake bedtime stories; things I knew a father should do, but mine never did.

You know you abused us, right? Maybe not physically but verbally, mentally... emotionally.

Maybe you didn't know. Your childhood wasn't perfect, far from it. I know you got demons slung across your back. So do I.

There's no excuse for what you did. You left us high & dry, took all the money & drove away.

But... maybe you didn't know.

Maybe anger was all you knew because that was all you were taught as a kid.

So now I find myself not condoning, no, never condoning, but perhaps understanding, or at least, wanting to understand.

I find myself wanting a father.

So, you're not here & I'm wondering if I wish you were. Ten years without a father is a long time. Still, I don't know if I'm ready & I can't help but wonder, are you?

©CJ