the things i hate about myself

i am far more insecure than one might think. 

i look at my thighs, my calves, my belly, and think, "fat". when i think that i am fat i also think that i am ugly. if i am ugly then i will be unloved. so i have to hide it, have to get skinnier. i do not want people to think i am ugly.

i look at my acne-scarred skin and think, "disgusting". oily and lumpy and scarred dark. no one will love this ugly brown skin of mine. i want to have perfect smooth skin like those other girls. i do not want my future love to think i am yucky to touch.

i look at the mistakes i made on my test and the words i pronounced wrong in yesterday's conversation and think, "stupid". stupid people go nowhere in life, so i need to get smarter. work harder.

i see how i want to do nothing but eat and sleep and read and play and think, "lazy". lazy people don't want to work hard, or work at all. no one will want to hire me, and i will die in poverty. i do not want this either, so i need to hurry up and grow up.

i look at my endless tears and unjustified rage and think, “you ungrateful scum”. i feel like they hate me, but they’ve already tried their best to please me. i am spoiled and coddled and i live such a good life. no one will want to take care of me or be my friend if i am like this, so i have to learn to be grateful for what i have.

the future stretches out before me. i am still in middle school, i have so much more time to decide. but i think my insecurities have decided my fate already. i know i am going to die. i do not want to die sad and lonely and disgusting, so i will die by my own hand, on my own terms. this is the only way for me to stop hating myself, i feel. at least in death i will be beautiful.

i hate that i am thinking this way. should i not be looking forward to the bright future i have? i am full of potential. so why do i feel the need to end it all? 

i want none of this.