my parents and my teachers and my coach said

go home and ready

prepare to move

and let the air mix into your lungs–

then, you will be free.

i wonder, how hard could it be?

i am a child, untouched, baby-fat and loose limbs

i slip through, in-out, around, testing the tug,

and i rush against the wall, rough shock to my palms

and i burn, burn, burn, fire in my blood and my air

what does it mean to sweat and tread

medalless, joyless, friendless, pain-full?

cut here

and end the pain

drown it in brilliant red

and dye this grey world

in blazing fire

no longer ashes

the phoenix is reborn

in blood

but all i have is pixel affection

drops of red on my bracelets

cuts i imagine because they burn too vividly

a name disconnected from all of reality

wires tangling my throat, growing

identity lost copied created modified

experiment #183948 in me

and all i have is pixel affection

green circle around around

translate the on off into voice

whispers late at night and tangled limbs

butterfly wings on my skin and i’m shattering

cloying laughter and blurred lines

take another, they taste numb

and all i am is pixel affection

tenderness expressed in binary

let the mask slip for a second

will you take it, take me, break me

take my crystal heart and slice the cake

there’s enough candy for everyone

quiet down and no one notices

and suddenly it’s all empty, screen gone dark

ringing silence, burning from the inside out

take my headphones off and i’m atoms

white lines spilling out my mouth

ground bones and pink gray meat

electric flickers, broken signal

breath solidified and drums silenced.

static.

terminate the simulation, it failed again.

loading...

loading...

loading...

self-reflective tears well in my eyes

crying over a time that never was

nostalgia washing over me

caressing my skin and whispering

youth, beauty, love... all i had not yet lost

golden age of hope and promise

lost now, gray steel and skies

everything up in flames

and i water the earth with my tears

an earth driven to extremes and death

everything implodes

society, the economy, the earth itself,

someday the sun and maybe the universe

and we will never be prepared

but it won’t matter, we’ll be long gone

lost in dreams and memories

faded snapshots of what once was

torn and creased, still warm,

held near and dear

a reminder of what to strive for

we can still do it, i still hold hope

that we can come home and fix things

that we can repair the damage done

and love again, find our harmonies,

our resonance.

Yesterday at the beach the skies were gray, the beach littered with thorny debris of a storm several days past. I cannot help but associate that grayness with myself. I may see in color, but I feel in gray, a soft fuzz in my brain. A sort of weight, like that of a humid day, stifling on my shoulders, in my lungs. Sometimes I wish for a splash of vibrant red to cut through all that gray. But the ink beneath would be revealed, a roiling darkness hidden to most. It would spill through the wound in the cloak, and bleed through the fabric, reaching for anything and everything and consuming it, and everyone would see that the red is not red at all, for that is not blood in my veins but ink, stolen from millions of words, sequestered deep in my memories. Memories like the aftermath of the storm, a reminder of lashing wind and beating rain, punishment, pain, terror. Memories I press down. Watch your step, my mind cautions. There are thorns around.

"get out here!"

"what is the meaning of this."

"how am i supposed to reply?!"

it's an email.

"according to our records, your daughter was marked absent from class today."

impersonal, unfeeling. i know her. she's the receptionist. nice enough, i suppose, i don't talk to her much.

more shouting.

"how can you be so irresponsible?!"

"you need to wake up on time."

"i don't know anything i came home and woke her up."

"you're not a kid anymore, stop making mistakes."

i tell them.

"it's a mistake. it has to be. i know i was in class."

they yell at me anyways.

panic and fear consume me.

they continue berating me.

hyperventilation.

i look it up. breathing exercises.

i breathe deeply in and out and suddenly i can't again.

can't breathe, breaths coming hard and fast and rough, breaking into sobs.

i try desperately to bring my breathing under control.

stop the sounds.

don't let them hear.

i'm on my knees by my bed.

desperately trying to find someone, anyone, who can confirm it was a mistake.

all my friends in that class are offline.

i email my teacher about it. ask them to fix it.

i know rationally it is a mistake.

but the way they act makes it seem like i've committed some heinous crime.

"are you ready to go out yet?"

no i'm not fucking ready to go out. i'm still hyperventilating and sobbing, big ugly tears and red nose.

"why don't you want to go out?"

she's at my door.

i close it.

"i don't want to go out."

"i don't want to talk about it."

"leave me alone."

"no i'm not leaving you alone. why don't you want to go out? what is it you don't want to talk about?"

she opens my door.

at this point i'm full on sobbing and hyperventilating and i think that maybe this is a panic attack. i don't care that she's watching me cry anymore.

i yell at her.

to get out. to leave me alone. that i don't want to talk. that i refuse to go out. that they can go out if they want to. that they need to stop making such a big deal of it. that they need to leave me alone.

she leaves and i lock the door.

i can still hear them.

"it's because of those stupid online friends of hers. next she'll be going on about one of them considering suicide."

funny, those online friends make me happier than you ever will.

"i don't know why she's saying all those crazy irrelevant things."

and now i'm crazy. figures.

"we take such good care of them and it always just get thrown into our faces."

you understand nothing. i may be fed and i may have a roof over my head but i'm miserable.

she's knocking on my door again.

leavemealonegoawayleavemealonegoawayleavemealonegoawaygoawaygoawaygoaway

my mind chants.

my panic and my breathing had been calming, but after hearing their words they got worse again.

she goes away. i hear a door. the car driving away. i'm safe now.

i don't know i'll explain when they get back. my mouth is dry, my hands numb and tingling. i still can't breathe properly and i'm still crying a lot. i put my headphones on and turn on the volume and write this piece, try to process it. i still don't know what i'll do. there's still water leaking from my eyes. i can only hope they'll ignore it when they come back. i don't want to think about this anymore...

curled up, longing

the hours draining away

the clock is ticking

he says he'll be home soon

but never is

and i wait, foolishly

by dark

yet the light is returning

and still no sign

wonder in my mind

not the good kind, the childish kind

but suspicious musings

wonder what he's out doing

with who? someone pretty,

someone i don't know about

perhaps he's abandoned me for someone better.

and the door opens,

light flooding into the dark corners

"Honey, I'm home!"

and all reset.

(doubts in the back of my mind.)

dad is angry again & i don't understand

hollow feeling in my chest

wasn't i fine just now

why does every meal and conversation

leave us frustrated, alone, depressed

i love my family but i hate them too

what can i do to fix it

they're always so angry now,

snapping at the slightest thing

and i tiptoe, hoping

but it never works

and only time turns the fire down to embers

until another spark comes and lights it up again

the sparks come all too often

bubbly and carbonated

all fizz and sweet on your tongue

yet when all is gone

inert, flat, stale

a sad remnant of what was.

substanceless, empty. unwanted.

the world reaches for the last dregs

chews her up and spits her out.

a burp.

another tragedy on the news. she killed herself. why?

the words they said, didn't go away...

Dedicated to Sulli, to Jonghyun, to everyone who has suffered.