Memory, V

"get out here!"

"what is the meaning of this."

"how am i supposed to reply?!"

it's an email.

"according to our records, your daughter was marked absent from class today."

impersonal, unfeeling. i know her. she's the receptionist. nice enough, i suppose, i don't talk to her much.

more shouting.

"how can you be so irresponsible?!"

"you need to wake up on time."

"i don't know anything i came home and woke her up."

"you're not a kid anymore, stop making mistakes."

i tell them.

"it's a mistake. it has to be. i know i was in class."

they yell at me anyways.

panic and fear consume me.

they continue berating me.

hyperventilation.

i look it up. breathing exercises.

i breathe deeply in and out and suddenly i can't again.

can't breathe, breaths coming hard and fast and rough, breaking into sobs.

i try desperately to bring my breathing under control.

stop the sounds.

don't let them hear.

i'm on my knees by my bed.

desperately trying to find someone, anyone, who can confirm it was a mistake.

all my friends in that class are offline.

i email my teacher about it. ask them to fix it.

i know rationally it is a mistake.

but the way they act makes it seem like i've committed some heinous crime.

"are you ready to go out yet?"

no i'm not fucking ready to go out. i'm still hyperventilating and sobbing, big ugly tears and red nose.

"why don't you want to go out?"

she's at my door.

i close it.

"i don't want to go out."

"i don't want to talk about it."

"leave me alone."

"no i'm not leaving you alone. why don't you want to go out? what is it you don't want to talk about?"

she opens my door.

at this point i'm full on sobbing and hyperventilating and i think that maybe this is a panic attack. i don't care that she's watching me cry anymore.

i yell at her.

to get out. to leave me alone. that i don't want to talk. that i refuse to go out. that they can go out if they want to. that they need to stop making such a big deal of it. that they need to leave me alone.

she leaves and i lock the door.

i can still hear them.

"it's because of those stupid online friends of hers. next she'll be going on about one of them considering suicide."

funny, those online friends make me happier than you ever will.

"i don't know why she's saying all those crazy irrelevant things."

and now i'm crazy. figures.

"we take such good care of them and it always just get thrown into our faces."

you understand nothing. i may be fed and i may have a roof over my head but i'm miserable.

she's knocking on my door again.

leavemealonegoawayleavemealonegoawayleavemealonegoawaygoawaygoawaygoaway

my mind chants.

my panic and my breathing had been calming, but after hearing their words they got worse again.

she goes away. i hear a door. the car driving away. i'm safe now.

i don't know i'll explain when they get back. my mouth is dry, my hands numb and tingling. i still can't breathe properly and i'm still crying a lot. i put my headphones on and turn on the volume and write this piece, try to process it. i still don't know what i'll do. there's still water leaking from my eyes. i can only hope they'll ignore it when they come back. i don't want to think about this anymore...