Freedom is right in front of me

"Natasha, I will free you. Look at me."

I have a hard time listening to this voice in my head. I want to give my life to Him, but i am too stubborn. I want to do life myself, I want to be able to control it. But I know when I start to do things my way life doesn't work out. I start getting depressed, I start feeling pain. I just can't deal with it, I can't deal with it, I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT. I have to go to him. When I feel all my pain being lifted, I go back to ignoring His voice. As I read this back I sound crazy, but thats what my relationship with God is right now, crazy. He is the one reaching his hand out to me and I am the one constantly grabbing and letting go of it. Why is it so hard for me just to latch on to the peace He is handing me and not let go?