Chosen one.

"Chosen one? Last time I ran up the stairs I..."

"You're not a warrior. When mercury aligns, you'll be granted some am"

"But if it's not to fight"

"Anyone can pick up a weapon. You'll bring balance to the universe."

"Balance? No heavy lifti"

"No."

"What powers"

"Food will always be within your reach. Bowels and bladder magically empty and eternal life."

"Live forever?"

"There's a price. You'll never leave that sofa again. You've got a lot of TV to catch up with. Bye now!"

The being vanished with a pop as golden light surrounded the seated figure.

"Oh... fuck!"