For the Betterment of Sarah Williams - Chapter Six

At first Sarah just followed along. She wanted to get a feel for each personality before she dived into any discussions. The last thing she wanted was to say or do something that would put her at odds with the other participants before she even got started. So Sarah just kind of stayed in the background and concentrated on learning the material. It’s was about half way into the group meeting and she had not really said much. She asked a few questions here and there but didn’t really offer any valuable insight. She was a little surprised when she heard her name. She had been trying to concentrate but in reality she was day dreaming. The sound of her name snapped her back to the here and now. The young man who had first invited her asked her a question. Her answer was not very long so he tried again. He was trying to draw her out of her shell with mixed results. He was not the only one who tried to draw Sarah into a more active role in the discussions. None of the other students had much success either.

Time moved forward and Sarah became more comfortable with the group. As her comfort level rose so did her participation level. She actually felt like maybe she had even made some friends, even though she couldn’t see what else they had in common besides school. Sarah began to start feeling guilty. She couldn’t put her finger on the reason why but the reason was this: Sarah started to enjoy the attention she had been receiving from the rest of the group. She was starting to feel a bit more normal again. She had her school work to concentrate on and although it wasn’t exactly a social life, she was interacting with other people and starting to build connections to the outside world. She felt especially guilty when the young man who first invited her paid her attention. He never acted as if he wanted to be more than friends but he was Sarah’s type and she still felt like she was married, even though the finality of death does conclude those type of arrangements.

Sarah still had her meetings with the older woman who she met at her first grief support group meeting. When she talked about the study group and especially the young man the older woman’s face lit up. She told Sarah that she was turning a corner and that things were starting to get better. Sarah asked her if she was turning a corner, why she felt guilty. The older woman explained that the reason Sarah felt guilty was because to move forward she had to leave her husband in the past. She had to go on without him and now that she was starting to do that, she felt like she was betraying him in some way. The older woman told her that her husband would want her to live out her life and find happiness again.

The older woman thought about saying something but paused for a moment. Sarah noticed her hesitation and asked what was wrong. The older woman asked Sarah if she ever thought about having her husband declared legally dead. The older woman said that if Sarah was going to move on with her life, she would need to have the closure that having him declared legally dead would provide. Besides, the older woman said, if you had any life insurance or if your husband had a pension at work, they would only pay out after his death.

Sarah wasn’t ready to bury her husband just yet, but over the next few weeks she thought about it a lot. She had a long talk with her mother about it and she even had a brief talk with the kids. The kids didn’t really know what to think about it. They couldn’t see what difference it made either way. Sarah was torn. She had finally started to let go but she hadn’t let go completely.