A Glimpse Inside
I used to question everything I didn’t understand or agree with. I would challenge rules that didn’t make sense to me and refused to act in a way that wasn’t my own. I never used to conform to fit in and jeopardize my own beliefs. I stopped questioning anything and just accepted everything. From the outside, I appeared whole and happy but on the inside empty. I’m was thrown into a world I had never been apart of and I slowly started to compromise myself. I was being told things I shouldn’t do and should do and I went along with it, I was now their corporate puppet. Things I thought didn’t matter did and my mind was so lost I believed my way was wrong. I focused so hard on being perfect, studying my every move, concentrating so hard to act a way they told me to. The person I was proud of being was disappearing. My life had become days of mindless work and nights of temporary fun.
I look back on the past 4 years, replaying scenes of my life, I now notice I tried to be everyone else but me. Without even knowing it, I submerged myself in other peoples lives, trying to find one I fit into. I did things I thought I loved, trying to create a person I thought I wanted or rather should be.
Then it happened, I met him, the one that was going to give me my life, our life, a man that made feel love again. It was a love I sacrificed more of myself for, with no fault of his. I dove into his lifestyle and let him take over my mind, heart, body, and soul. At first I couldn’t get enough, all I wanted was him and us. Even when it didn’t feel right anymore I couldn’t let go, what little life I had was now gone and belonged to him. I was into deep, I was so in love with all that was good in him and us and I knew I would never leave him. I would fight through my struggles and his and wait for the day we both became pure. But that day never came.
He started to change, I could see it, and with little effort reached out to him, but pulled back quickly when I saw aggravation in his eyes. I kept telling myself he’ll come back but he just got further. He began to keep me out and became cold. Something in him stopped wanting us and me. I wanted to believe so bad that he would work through his doubt. I told myself all the words he told me were true. I held on tighter, I can’t lose the only thing that was truly mine. This life we started to create, this love I needed so badly. He was slipping away not only from me but from himself as well. I rushed to him. I saw the despair in eyes, and I begged with mine don’t go. He promised we weren’t over and all I could do was walk away and trust in our love.
Weeks went by. I looked up at the stars, please bring him back to me, happy and whole. I worked on making myself healthy, painfully waiting for his return. I looked for his shoes from time to time, each glance hopeful but afraid. Then it happened, he was home, but I didn’t know this man that lay there. My sweet and caring love was now cruel and hollow. He could barely look at me but he didn’t have to, it was over, he spoke with anger and frustration giving me many reasons but nothing added up. I couldn’t wrap my head around it, he doesn’t mean it, this can’t be over, he promised me it wasn’t. I fled, there was no fight in me, my entire world was crumbling and I had nothing to hold me up.
For months I tried to hold on to him, the little contact we had given me hope, peace, and anxiety. Was our entire relationship a lie? Where we both just pretending? I knew it was unhealthy, I knew I couldn’t go on as we were. I told myself it happened this way because I was the stronger one, if I ended it, it would have been worse for him. I told myself there was a bigger reason for this betrayal. My mind fought with my heart.
I have been through heartbreaks before but this was different. Everything stopped working. I felt nothing but hate and saw only the worst in the world. My ability to always find the bright side was gone and I only saw darkness.....