I am just me.

I am the fun one, and the serious one.

I am the deep one and the silly one.

I am the dream forever one, and the begin to doubt one.

I am the hopeless romantic one and the hopeless one.

I am the big hearted one and the kinda got a hate on one

I am the determined one and the I quit one

I am the smart one and the very dumb one

I am the strongest one and the weakest one

I am the happiest one and the saddest one

I am the I love you one and I will run one

I am more than just one, and so much more one, I am just me…

I wanted to smile but didn't want to fake it, and why should I?  It is ok to feel sadness.  I wasn't hurting anyone.  Why did I have this fear of being exactly what I was? I let myself feel and took note of what was going on inside me.  I refused to push it away and pretend to be anything but me.   I wanted to be alone and find a spark within before showing my face to the ones I see day to day. It was no secret though, my mood was written everywhere, I didn't need words. The spark never came so I shut myself out, not wanting to expose my energy to the others.

Then I saw her, I tried to keep my composure but she knew.  The tears began to flow and the words came out without any thought.  "In order for me to change, things have to change",  "I know I am a product of my environment" "As strong as I am, I can't win this fight if I'm not willing to move from the battle" "How much will I have to give up in order to save myself? "  She held me tight, but the tears didn't stop.   "Let me help you, we can do it together. We will be each other's strength"   As the pain began to ease and the tears were less, the only word I could muster up was "ok" ... and with those 2 letters in front of me, I was determined to change my journey.

What is it? -my heart asks, over and over.  What it is I meant to be doing?  I can feel what I desire, I desire to do nice things for the world and connect with people, but how is my struggle.  I know I make a difference within the walls of my friends and family, but I ache to do more.

My desire to make people happier comes from seeing so much sadness and hate around and in myself.   I have struggled on more than one occasion and found ways to help myself without turning to medication, that I believe just masks the pain.  I desire for people to be able to retrain their brain with positive and long-lasting methods. To dig deep and find the root of the problem and find ways to break through.

I desire to make people smile and see the simple things in life that make it all worth it.  I desire to encourage people to live their life with full fulfillment and not settle or stop dreaming.

The world I desire to create is where love is the basis of life and life is peaceful and filled with more joy and appreciation.  I picture a world where people can put into perspective of what really matters.  I crave a community that has heart and soul....

Around and around I go.  The circle of my life continues.  I am screaming from the inside, trying to push through.  I am so close, I can feel myself getting stronger, the lines are so close to breaking.  I stumble and fall back, letting the life I have always known to creep back in.  I don't want this anymore, my head is spinning with excitement from a rush I have a had enough of.   I let it take over one last time and wait for the clouds to clear and the storm to pass.  I am stronger now, I embrace my power and move forward towards my mind full of light.

Light me up and make me feel the fire.  Cool me down and make me feel the ice.   Bring yourself closer,  so we can push each other away.   Let the light pour in and the shadows surrounded us.   Let the sun beat down to keep us warm and the snow fall to keep us cold.  Let love guide us and fear stop us.

I walked around for what seemed like forever with a darkness around me.  My heart was in pieces, my soul was weak and my mind was a mess.   The only comfort I felt was when the tears came, at least I wasn’t completely dead inside, I could still feel pain and hate.   My entire life had now seemed like a waste and I stopped believing in all I once had.

Pain fell from my eyes more frequently than not and I would yell at the universe every chance I got. “why bring me a man who would so easily give up on us when I was so willing to fight?”    I was battling with myself every day, I never thought I would be the one who let a man destroy my faith in life.  I was stronger then this, I knew better than to give up because of broken promises.   (I guess I should give myself some credit, I mean I did still shower and go to work, so there was something inside me telling me to hold on. )

Time went by so slowly and I started to feel like a broken record to my three angels that stayed by my side.   They let me cry and complain over and over again.   No one else would have ever guessed I was suffering this badly,  people knew I was hurting but I kept my true self-hidden.

I was the one who could handle anything thrown at her, but this time I wasn’t and I was ashamed to show this to the world. I stayed as composed as possible putting up a front of happy and positive to all but my three.  I pretended I was doing just fine but inside I was screaming for help.  How long could I do this for?  when will this part be over?  would it ever go away?  I told myself it would, I told myself this was only temporary, but I only half believed.

I went through each day full of questions that only he could answer and I knew that would never happen.  I looked for answers all around me instead, I paid attention to my surroundings and relationships and told myself this is why it happened.  I wouldn’t be here if I was with him.   I had to tell myself every day there was good that came from this horrible pain.

I had no idea it was coming but it did, I  snapped, had a complete mental breakdown. It was the most ridiculous thing that made me crack too.  My cat jumped on the dresser, it toppled over, hit the lamp, which broke and the light bulb smashed. For whatever reason, this was my last straw. Everything I had been holding on to for years was now being released.

I was holding something and threw it across the room and yelled, while tears were pouring down my cheeks “WHAT’S THE POINT!!!” I fell to the ground and wrapped my arms around my legs rocking back and forth.  WHAT’S THE POINT?, I yell again! ( a bit dramatic, I know) I am surprised my room didn’t turn into salt water pool that night. My younger sister was downstairs visiting with my mom and she came running up and put her arms around me to cradle me from the pain. I had never acted like this in front of her, I was always so strong and sure of myself around her but this vulnerability felt so real that I didn’t try to hide anything from her.

After that day I noticed a change within. My breakdown gave me my breakthrough.  I realized I had been holding in and pushing away any “negative” feeling for years.   Somewhere down the road, I started to believe I shouldn’t feel or show anger, frustration or too much sadness.  Looking back I can see how I was being something I was not.  I changed myself because I thought I needed to and it helped in certain situations. I knew I didn’t feel right but never knew exactly why.    I needed something that would shake me to the core, that would wake me up and the universe knew it had to be the most painful breakup.

I looked for help outside myself and talked with someone who could aid me in unleashing the true trouble within and things became even more clear. 

He came into my life and I fell so madly in love.  Our relationship in itself was a hint that I was hiding something but well in it, I didn’t see it that way.  The only way to break through my barrier was to have the one thing happen to me that would truly crush me, betrayal from the one I thought was the one.  When it ended my heart, soul and mind broke into pieces and I slowly put them back together the way they were meant to be.

I know I have a great life, I never worry about a roof over my head or food on my plate. I have been presented with so many amazing opportunities. I am surrounded by the best of friends and family and my work environment is awesome.

I desire something more though, something in me just does not feel fulfilled.   I felt guilty for wanting more, a voice in my head yelled at me “You have so much, you are so lucky, suck it up and just be happy”.   My heart whispered back “it’s ok to want more, it’s ok to want to live the most fulfilling life”

As I moved further down my path the voice in my head got quieter and my heart got louder.  I let go of my guilt and held on to my desire for more.  I could now feel I was meant to inspire not only myself to live the life that was truly mine but to inspire others to do the same.   How would I get there?  That is a whole new chapter…

She lay in the sun listening to the waves move under her.  The breeze warm and cooling, the smell so fresh.  This was her happy place, so why didn’t she feel happy?    The sound of laughter all around her but none of it hers.  She closed her eyes begging herself to escape into all that was around her.  She pushed herself away from all that was blocking her glow and embraced the moment she was in.  She felt a smile come across her face as she lay in the sun listening to the waves move under her.

I hear it all the time, and yes I use this all to famous line myself.  " I am just so busy"  Sometimes it comes with an apology because there was a delay in an email, text, phone call back, or a rescheduled date/appoitment.  I started to really think about these five words.    

I began listening more intently to the people around me "my plate is so full", " it seems like I'll never catch up" " I worked all week until 11 pm and still have so much to do", I'm so tired"  Everyone just pushing themselves to get ahead but is all this really worth it?  When does it end?  When do they get to feel caught up? When do they breath and feel rested?  All these questions made me start to pay more attention to how I feel day to day and how I am actually spending my time.    There is a lot of zipping here and zipping there, get this long list done quickly so I can get more done.   Everyone expects a reply as soon as they have sent the question.   We have created the expectation that because we have this technology to always be connected we always should be.  I do not agree with nor like this unspoken rule. 

I am noticing more and more I resent this way of living.  This crazy busy and always connected.  As much as I'd like to be less a part of it I can't at this stage of my life.  In my industry people expect quick response times and fast turn around times. It is exhausting, always trying to get back to everyone as soon as they reach out, to produce efficiently when it is not only up to me to do so.  There is a chain of people involved in the process and I can only control what I do.  There are some people who understand this, others who do not.  It is a competitive field, my clients could leave me at any moment.  I am confident I execute great customer services and I do go above and beyond for the people I work with, but do they see that I don't know.  A lot of the stuff I do for them is behind closed doors, and they only see if I delivery on time and if my price is right for them.  

There is always this unsettling feeling within, this pressure to get it done fast, the more clients I inquire the harder it is to stay on top of things.  The thing is the more clients I get the better it is for my career, my mental health, not so much.  

This busy lifestyle I have created for myself has become unattractive. I crave a more simple life.  One that I don't rush from one place to the next.  One where I am not struggling to keep up with my workload, social and family life.  A life where I am less stressed about getting everything done and can really just embrace and enjoy what I am doing.  So I ask myself, Is Busy Really Better?    

 I used to question everything I didn’t understand or agree with. I would challenge rules that didn’t make sense to me and refused to act in a way that wasn’t my own. I never used to conform to fit in and jeopardize my own beliefs.  I stopped questioning anything and just accepted everything.  From the outside, I appeared whole and happy but on the inside empty.  I’m was thrown into a world I had never been apart of and I slowly started to compromise myself.   I was being told things I shouldn’t do and should do and I went along with it, I was now their corporate puppet.  Things I thought didn’t matter did and my mind was so lost I believed my way was wrong.  I focused so hard on being perfect, studying my every move, concentrating so hard to act a way they told me to.  The person I was proud of being was disappearing.   My life had become days of mindless work and nights of temporary fun.

I look back on the past 4 years, replaying scenes of my life, I now notice I tried to be everyone else but me.  Without even knowing it, I submerged myself in other peoples lives, trying to find one I fit into.  I did things I thought I loved, trying to create a person I thought I wanted or rather should be.

Then it happened, I met him, the one that was going to give me my life, our life, a man that made feel love again. It was a love I sacrificed more of myself for, with no fault of his.   I dove into his lifestyle and let him take over my mind, heart, body, and soul.  At first I couldn’t get enough, all I wanted was him and us.   Even when it didn’t feel right anymore I couldn’t let go, what little life I had was now gone and belonged to him.  I was into deep,  I was so in love with all that was good in him and us and I knew I would never leave him. I would fight through my struggles and his and wait for the day we both became pure.  But that day never came. 

He started to change, I could see it, and with little effort reached out to him, but pulled back quickly when I saw aggravation in his eyes.  I kept telling myself he’ll come back but he just got further.  He began to keep me out and became cold. Something in him stopped wanting us and me.  I wanted to believe so bad that he would work through his doubt.  I told myself all the words he told me were true. I held on tighter, I can’t lose the only thing that was truly mine.  This life we started to create, this love I needed so badly. He was slipping away not only from me but from himself as well.  I rushed to him.  I saw the despair in eyes, and I begged with mine don’t go.  He promised we weren’t over and all I could do was walk away and trust in our love.

Weeks went by. I looked up at the stars, please bring him back to me, happy and whole.  I worked on making myself healthy, painfully waiting for his return.   I looked for his shoes from time to time, each glance hopeful but afraid. Then it happened, he was home, but I didn’t know this man that lay there. My sweet and caring love was now cruel and hollow.  He could barely look at me but he didn’t have to, it was over, he spoke with anger and frustration giving me many reasons but nothing added up.   I couldn’t wrap my head around it, he doesn’t mean it, this can’t be over, he promised me it wasn’t.  I fled, there was no fight in me, my entire world was crumbling and I had nothing to hold me up.  

For months I tried to hold on to him, the little contact we had given me hope, peace, and anxiety.  Was our entire relationship a lie?  Where we both just pretending?  I knew it was unhealthy, I knew I couldn’t go on as we were.   I told myself it happened this way because I was the stronger one, if I ended it, it would have been worse for him.  I told myself there was a bigger reason for this betrayal.  My mind fought with my heart.

I have been through heartbreaks before but this was different.  Everything stopped working.  I felt nothing but hate and saw only the worst in the world.  My ability to always find the bright side was gone and I only saw darkness.....