BreakDown BreakThrough

I walked around for what seemed like forever with a darkness around me.  My heart was in pieces, my soul was weak and my mind was a mess.   The only comfort I felt was when the tears came, at least I wasn’t completely dead inside, I could still feel pain and hate.   My entire life had now seemed like a waste and I stopped believing in all I once had.

Pain fell from my eyes more frequently than not and I would yell at the universe every chance I got. “why bring me a man who would so easily give up on us when I was so willing to fight?”    I was battling with myself every day, I never thought I would be the one who let a man destroy my faith in life.  I was stronger then this, I knew better than to give up because of broken promises.   (I guess I should give myself some credit, I mean I did still shower and go to work, so there was something inside me telling me to hold on. )

Time went by so slowly and I started to feel like a broken record to my three angels that stayed by my side.   They let me cry and complain over and over again.   No one else would have ever guessed I was suffering this badly,  people knew I was hurting but I kept my true self-hidden.

I was the one who could handle anything thrown at her, but this time I wasn’t and I was ashamed to show this to the world. I stayed as composed as possible putting up a front of happy and positive to all but my three.  I pretended I was doing just fine but inside I was screaming for help.  How long could I do this for?  when will this part be over?  would it ever go away?  I told myself it would, I told myself this was only temporary, but I only half believed.

I went through each day full of questions that only he could answer and I knew that would never happen.  I looked for answers all around me instead, I paid attention to my surroundings and relationships and told myself this is why it happened.  I wouldn’t be here if I was with him.   I had to tell myself every day there was good that came from this horrible pain.

I had no idea it was coming but it did, I  snapped, had a complete mental breakdown. It was the most ridiculous thing that made me crack too.  My cat jumped on the dresser, it toppled over, hit the lamp, which broke and the light bulb smashed. For whatever reason, this was my last straw. Everything I had been holding on to for years was now being released.

I was holding something and threw it across the room and yelled, while tears were pouring down my cheeks “WHAT’S THE POINT!!!” I fell to the ground and wrapped my arms around my legs rocking back and forth.  WHAT’S THE POINT?, I yell again! ( a bit dramatic, I know) I am surprised my room didn’t turn into salt water pool that night. My younger sister was downstairs visiting with my mom and she came running up and put her arms around me to cradle me from the pain. I had never acted like this in front of her, I was always so strong and sure of myself around her but this vulnerability felt so real that I didn’t try to hide anything from her.

After that day I noticed a change within. My breakdown gave me my breakthrough.  I realized I had been holding in and pushing away any “negative” feeling for years.   Somewhere down the road, I started to believe I shouldn’t feel or show anger, frustration or too much sadness.  Looking back I can see how I was being something I was not.  I changed myself because I thought I needed to and it helped in certain situations. I knew I didn’t feel right but never knew exactly why.    I needed something that would shake me to the core, that would wake me up and the universe knew it had to be the most painful breakup.

I looked for help outside myself and talked with someone who could aid me in unleashing the true trouble within and things became even more clear. 

He came into my life and I fell so madly in love.  Our relationship in itself was a hint that I was hiding something but well in it, I didn’t see it that way.  The only way to break through my barrier was to have the one thing happen to me that would truly crush me, betrayal from the one I thought was the one.  When it ended my heart, soul and mind broke into pieces and I slowly put them back together the way they were meant to be.