Warning ~ Heavy

Dear Bam,

I’d like to think that the world would keep going after I was gone. That once I left, everything would stay the same. No one would mourn me, no one would remember me, no one would miss me. I could exit my body tonight and the world would keep turning, life would go on with no changes.

But that’s not how the world works, is it?

To be honest, I’m a coward at heart. I like to pretend I am caring and loving, that I don’t want anyone to feel sad or hurt by my leaving, but there are so many times where I had the sensation of being able to leave but being too afraid to pick up the blade. Pull the trigger. Drink the bleach.

I know this may seem very directly to you. You may be wondering why I would decide to write to you of all people. But to be honest, I don’t know why.

If I was gone, there indeed would be loss. My squad would miss me, my parents would be sad, (I hope you would miss me too) there would be a gap on the earth the size of my body... but time indeed does heal all wounds.

My parents wouldn’t have to pay anymore of my debts; Cornish may have one less graduate but it’d be filled with another student’s spot; the squad has one another; my church is functioning without me just fine; those that hate me wouldn’t have to worry about my presence anymore.

But then I think again. Is the blood worth it? Is the pain worth it? Is the sight of a destroyed body to a roommate worth it?

no

So I’d rather stay lost and alive but dead, rather than dead and found.