Scrolling through the site

and seeing what i write,

sitting in the crowd

and watching actors be loud and proud,

walking through the park

and noticing my art,

the biggest thing I'd love

more than anything above

is to feel understanding

and hate disbanding.

the heart-strings tugged

as my art pulls you in and you're drugged

acceptance and love

is what i want you to think of

and feel deep inside

with a strong sense of pride.

and, like me,

have a deep moment of reminder that

life is

truly

worth living

Oh my GOODNESS!

Okay, so my dog's name is Natasha! She is an American Staffordshire Terrier (cousin to the pitbull, looks like a pitbull but with a black nose, thinner face, and less muscular/stocky). Natasha is knee-height, has short black fur everywhere except her tummy and paws, and right now she's a little chubby :)

Natasha just turned 12 this past March, and she is an ABSOLUTE cat. She likes her personal space unless she comes up to you for love. And if you call for her she will give you the side-eye, give a little "harumph", then get up and slowly saunter over.

However, when she chooses to be cuddly she is an absolute sweetheart. She'll act like a shark and run circles around the table to then side-swipe you when you're not ready.

Natasha has been in my life for half of my existence. I was there when she was born, and we have been side-by-side ever since. Through every parent argument, every trial, every situation I've found myself in, she has been there for me. I can't count the tears I've cried on her fur, the conversations I've had with her that I expect her to answer, and all the journeys we've had. I also honestly wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for her love and companionship.

Natasha is my best friend. I love her so, so much.

I hear the alarm go off on my phone.

I need to turn it off to choose whether to get up or go back to sleep.

There is no choice i want to make

but.

I get up. Go to the bathroom.

I have to choose whether I get ready or sty home.

I need to work.

I get ready.

I start heading to work.

I see the coffee shop and ponder whether to stop or coffee or show up to work on time

I need coffee

I remember the days that i couldn't get up

living at home and letting depression lead the way

waking up with panic attacks and crying myself to sleep every night

I remember enabling my rude comments and selfish choices

and having no control of my choices towards my own body

but.

i have a friend who has told me she loves me.

and she doesn't know what she'd do if i wasn't here.

and i don't want to be.

but she wants me to be.

i have felt the sting of betrayal

of losing someone close to me

because she wasn't strong enough to stay

for me or for herself

even though she promised me she'd stay

SO!

i gave myself responsibilities:

like getting an apartment and paying rent

like getting a job and supervising people

like going back to school and finishing my degree

because if i can't live for me

i'll live for her.

and maybe. one day.

i might learn to live for me

~ Seattle ~

Day in, day out of

desperation for something

Other than grey rains

--------------

~ Montana ~

Pattering at the

Window, there's a wash of new

and out with the snow

--------------

~ After my move ~

I used to think of

Rain as a curse on my roof

Now, I miss her love

The people who allow me to love them,

they let me say the cruelest words

without fear of judgement.

The sarcastic, witty remarks.

The casual name-calling.

The push or shove after a crude joke my way.

They let me be the version of me that isn't always pleasing

isn't always perfect

isn't always nice

They allow me to take the space I need and truly deserve

which shows them how truly free i feel with them

What would it be like

to not need validation

to walk through life

able to live

just knowing people care

to sit alone in my room

and not have this sense of dread

that i mean nothing to everyone

that i am the extra in everyone else's stories

what would it be like

to not fill dead space

with technology and noise

to drive in silence

safe with my thoughts

just knowing people care

to take a walk at night

afraid like all the other girls

who listen to kidnapping stories

instead of knowing i would never be taken

it stood atop all

basking in the sun's glory

and bowed down to none

----------

high on a hill there

look at the power it holds

fighting snow and fire

----------

see the snow shine bright

against the starry night sky

ground and moon unite

She didn't know the power

her hands could hold

She didn't know all the stories

she left untold

She didn't know the tears

she'd make us shed

or all the worries

we left unsaid.

She left before her last goodbye

before the tears left her eyes

before her mother opened the door

before "i love you" or "say no more"

Yet in her leaving

there's a feeling

of immense sorrow and joy

There's a light

that shines so bright

no one can destroy

For she's the tree growing in your backyard

and that new star in the sky.

My light

She thought she could give without receiving, but there's only so much you can give until there's nothing but an empty carcass.

Betrayal is a dish best served to the unexpected.

"Hello, how are you doing today? Did you find everything okay-ish?"

Life is nothing but a handprint on a dirty window.

Sing a song of melancholy; it makes the time go by.

love hurts

There IS a light at the end of the tunnel... some tunnels are just really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, REally, reaLLy, R e a l l y long.

If the amount of years

and drops of tears

give you fears,

you still shouldn't give

your will to live;

and to yourself?

Forgive.

Hatred is a plague

that starts off vague

and will slowly begin to drag

all your joy

in it's awful ploy

to destroy

your sense of worth

and your purpose on earth.

But with your rebirth

a new time has come

where the earth will drum

to your soul's new hum

and you will fight

with all your might

within your plight

to survive

all they have contrived.

to stay alive