responsibility

I hear the alarm go off on my phone.

I need to turn it off to choose whether to get up or go back to sleep.

There is no choice i want to make

but.

I get up. Go to the bathroom.

I have to choose whether I get ready or sty home.

I need to work.

I get ready.

I start heading to work.

I see the coffee shop and ponder whether to stop or coffee or show up to work on time

I need coffee

I remember the days that i couldn't get up

living at home and letting depression lead the way

waking up with panic attacks and crying myself to sleep every night

I remember enabling my rude comments and selfish choices

and having no control of my choices towards my own body

but.

i have a friend who has told me she loves me.

and she doesn't know what she'd do if i wasn't here.

and i don't want to be.

but she wants me to be.

i have felt the sting of betrayal

of losing someone close to me

because she wasn't strong enough to stay

for me or for herself

even though she promised me she'd stay

SO!

i gave myself responsibilities:

like getting an apartment and paying rent

like getting a job and supervising people

like going back to school and finishing my degree

because if i can't live for me

i'll live for her.

and maybe. one day.

i might learn to live for me