The Bell Jar

“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”

-"The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath

I read this book my sophomore year of high school, and it really spoke to me. My entire life, I've been indecisive about my future. To know that I'm not alone in this exact feeling comforted me somehow.

When I was 18, I had two choices: stay home and save for college or marry the love of my life. If I stayed home, I couldn't be with him for another 5 years. He was in the military, and he had to be stationed over 800 miles away. If I left and got married, I knew I would have to put off college until we were permanently settled somewhere. Both opportunities quickly approached, and the metaphorical figs were hanging in the balance.

Esther chose nothing, but I chose marriage. Still, I feel like a woman stuck in a tree, scared to choose what happens next.

Maybe it never ends; we eat one, move on, and find ourselves in front of another. To me, the thought is frightening. We are pushed onward regardless of our protests. Everyone has to choose just one or starve.

I want to pick them all and savor their sweetness, but that's impossible.

I can only hope that I never wait too long and find myself with nothing at all.