1.) When I was five, I had a crush on the character Pippin from Lord of the Rings.

2.) I wanted very badly to take him up on his offer to get a hotel room together. (I'm glad I didn't.)

3.) He wasn't good in bed. (Or couch, in this case.)

4.) Every time we go back to our hometown, we find a new spot to pull over and make some... interesting memories. These include the ball field, his old house (after he has moved out for like a year), and a church parking lot on more than one occasion.

5.) I used napkins to clean up an especially awkward mess on a guy's face one time. It was his own.

6.) At one point, I had a crush on my best friend but never told her. Too awkward to say now.

Thank you.

When you grabbed my arm and spun me around, cupping my face with your broad hands, I found out what passion was really like. Fire coursed through my body, and I realized that with him, I felt cold.

When you begged me to come back to you after I drove away, I knew what it felt like to yearn for someone again. I raced like the devil was on my heels just to feel your body on mine.

When you took me into that meadow after we snuck out and made me feel that burning again, I knew that I needed more than he could ever give. Thank you for caressing my body in a way that made every hair on the back of my head stand at attention.

When you made an excuse to come see me alone while I was napping, I understood how powerful desire could be with the right person. We were drunk on lust and short on time, and it was the most thrilling experience I had had for years.

When you broke my heart by pulling away and losing interest, I knew that I could never go back home to a loveless and faithless relationship. It hurt more than you would ever know, but I came to appreciate it.

Thank you for awakening in me something that I didn't realize I was missing. Because of you, I was reunited with the one my heart truly wanted. You led me into the arms of a man who wants me like you wanted me, but who loves me like you couldn't. I am forever grateful.

Formerly Yours,

The girl you didn't want enough to live in a yellow beach house with

P.S. Thanks for telling me about the beach with the wild horses. I think that he and I will go there someday.

Playing with tarot cards is my hobby. Reading the future is a fun game -- sometimes I win, and sometimes I lose. You could say that my ESP works at about 68%. One time, a prophecy of mine actually came true.

It's the morning of October 1st, 2017. I'm getting ready for the Pride festival, and I am having a bad bout of anxiety. You know, because psychos with guns like to hunt us for being queer. I drew the worst card of the pack: The Tower. For those of you who don't know, "The Tower" brings chaos and disaster. It didn't help with my fear, but I went anyway.

The festival itself was fun! Safe, no shooters. I went to sleep believing that I was in error, that I just flubbed up and picked a card based on my own feelings.

Wrong.

It's the morning of October 2nd now. I open my eyes, wipe off the sleep crust, and turn on my phone.

"Gunman Kills 58, Wounds 400+ in Las Vegas," read the headlines. The bottom drops out of my stomach. Chaos, disaster, and death rained down from the tower that is the Mandalay Bay hotel.

Still gives me the creeps to this very day.

Dearest love,

There was never anyone else for me but you in this world. You were a light to me in the darkest times of my life, and the star that guided me every single day. I died loving you so much more than I ever thought was possible. Never doubt that. Every fight, every night spent alone, every bad memory is insignificant to me. Our love is one in a million. Don't you ever, ever doubt that. (P.S. Take care of the cats for me. Be strong and play with them everyday.)

Sweet sister,

You will never know how proud I am of you. I could not be half as strong or as brave as you are, and I am nine years your senior. You gave me hope for a better future. You showed me that little girls are the toughest forces of nature. You kick butt! You wrote an essay about how I am your role model. That means a lot to me, but I think that it's really you who set an example for me. You made me better, happier, and more courageous than I thought I could be. You got through losing mom. You've got this. Just know that I am never really gone. I'm with mom, watching you and cheering you on every step of the way.

My grandmother,

I know that I was not always the best granndaughter to you, and I want you to know that I'm sorry. In reality, you meant everything to me. I respect the hell out of you, nana. You set a good example for us all. When he left, you raised three kids on your own and never forgot to be caring and kind. When mom left me for a time, you became my own mother. You were one of my best friends. You are beating cancer. You went through the loss of your parents, your sister, and a child. I don't know how you even manage to get out of bed everyday. You are made of titanium, and that has always been the driving force behind my fight for others. You defended me, and in doing so, you inspired me to defend others. I love you to the moon and back. Much love, your sunshine.

My best friend,

You taught me how to love. When I was a broken little bird, you came along and took me under your wing. It's funny because I've always been the big one, ready to punch anyone to defend your honor. Who knew that you are the one who actually fought for me and healed me first? Needless to say, I wouldn't be alive if not for your kindness and your giant heart. Your laugh is so infectious, and you persist when no one else can. You are hardworking and fierce -- of course, you knew that already. You're a Leo, after all! When you make chocolate chip pancakes, know that I'm there in spirit and I really want to eat them. When you eventually pass, know that I will be waiting somewhere on the beach to pick you up again like that photo we took on vacation. I love you, sweet pea. Go out there and reach for the stars!

We clasp our trembling hands together under the clear, blue sky, nervous for what today brings but knowing that nothing will stop us now. The whole world stretches before us on top of that mountain. The moment we had never dared to dream of before is suddenly right there, tangible and sweet as honey.

The birds themselves seem to cease their singing. The squirrels are watching quietly, holding their breaths. Time slows as our officiant says, "Repeat after me."

"I will trust you and honor you.

I will laugh with you and cry with you.

Through the best and the worst,

Through the difficult and the easy.

Whatever may come, I will always be there.

As I have given you my hand to hold,

so I give you my life to keep."

His eyes on mine shut the whole world away while we vow to never be apart again. Nothing matters except for our permanent reunion. This mountain is ours, and our lives are one.

We kiss to the sweet chorus of the birds, now singing louder than ever, accompanied by the cheers of my best friends. One is snapping picture after picture. (Looking back, they're so sickeningly sweet that it's no wonder everyone felt uncomfortable around us before.)

Later, I will have to face my family, the people who doubted me, doubted us. I'm apprehensive of their responses, but he dulls the bitter fear with every touch. For now, I will keep kissing him under the hot Alabama sun in the view of God and everybody, not giving a damn who notices.

i was chartreuse at first,

maybe a hint of lime over pink flesh.

upon reflection now,

i'm a dead emerald.

no sparkle, but the deepest green,

darkened by 22 years of

grief

trauma

pain.

my feet and legs went first

upon discovering

that some people run for fun,

not because they have to.

my hips because

some people have never been

caressed by someone

who had no right to do so.

my stomach because

thin people get taken seriously

by doctors, by modeling agencies.

my arms are covered

in the color

of remembering that

some people never slashed them open

to feel something more than

numb.

my throat envies those

who never had to scream

or to swallow the lump in their throats

no matter how much it choked them.

my ears long to unhear

the wailing of my mother,

the recount of the rapes from

countless friends,

the broken sobbing

of my only love,

after the absence of the gun

that my hands snatched away.

that time, it was close.

even my brain

turns green with

more-than-jealousy

because they

never had to take

three pills a day

just to function.

i would kill to be

blissfully ignorant,

to be shallow,

to be vain,

to be immature,

to not constantly worry.

what i wouldn't give

to be pink again.

Dressed up in a cute little frilly pink shirt and shiny new shoes, I trudged down the hallway to the classroom. Something didn't feel right.

She called on me for the answer, and the floodgates opened. That was the first Valentine's Day I was sick, but it wasn't the last.

Kindergarten: flu.

First grade: flu.

Second grade: unknown virus.

Third Grade: cold.

It went on like this until I met the love of my life. Suddenly, I didn't dread the date anymore, and I haven't been sick since. We'll see what happens this year!

Merry faces light up the room. We make short work of wrapping the gifts. I know we are entirely different, so I keep my mouth shut, focusing on only what we have in common. I respected you, told you that you were the only religious person who didn't make me feel inadequate.

Now, I wish I hadn't.

What I really wanted to ask was

"Why do you call people like me disgusting, but you pretend that I'm not like the others?"

"Why do you feel that you have to convert me?"

"Is this all just one big contest between you and the rest to see who can get me into Heaven?"

"Why can't you just accept who I am without conditions?"

I wanted to ask you the hard questions, but you have my sister. If I want to keep her, I have to zip my lips while you disrespect me. I have to nod and tell you that I understand when I want to shake my fists at you and scream.

As for you, silent assenter, I wanted to ask why you only told him to be quiet after I was in bed. Why didn't you have the courage to tell him to stop when he said that my grandfather only loved a man because he was abused in childhood? Why do you pretend that you are okay with me while you allow me to be put down?

What I really wanted to say was, "If you can't love me for me, leave me alone."

He calls me again, slurring his words and crying. This is just another stab in the heart from my lover, no big deal. Lying on the bathroom floor, I hold back tears and listen to how he found himself in the arms of another -- again.

Not that I can complain. We both had knives plunged into our chest. We claimed each other, yet we couldn’t commit.

Tall, gorgeous boy from summer camp says that one day, we will go away together and sleep under a blanket of stars while we listen to the waves crashing, a lullaby. He grabs my face and kisses me under a canopy of trees in the summer heat, just like in the movies. He says leaving me will break his heart. We skip activities to hide and kiss in a field of flowers, me trembling under the weight of his golden gaze... and my guilt.

If only I had known what he did with my friend right before I drove back just to soak in the warmth of his presence.

I flung myself into the arms of a boy who pretended to worship me, someone who threw girls away like yesterday’s garbage.

I call my lover crying on the bathroom floor because the boy with ochre eyes stole me away. He holds back tears and listens because he can’t complain.