Stain

**TRIGGER WARNING!!!***

February 8, 2020

Kasumii's POV

In that strange state between sleep and wakefulness, when all things seem to interconnect in myriad filaments of light and memory, when memories are recalled with startling vividness but also with shrouded mystery-that is where I remained for who knows how long. You lose track of time when you don't think too much about the very existence of time. I knew I had to go somewhere, but I could not figure out what exactly to do to achieve that goal. It is quite an uncomfortable situation when one cannot rest undisturbed but also cannot retain those elusive memories. If anything, it seems that the negative experiences tend to remain with us longer, staining our recollections of joy and contentment. A reminder that we are broken people in a broken world.

**Flashback**

"It doesn't matter how hard you've tried."

"You will never be enough."

"You're not worth your time on earth."

"Who could ever love a failure like you?"

"Why do you even waste your time trying to redeem yourself?"

"Everyone would be better off without you."

"You just make life harder for everyone else by existing."

"You're stupid and never learn from your mistakes."

"Your whole life is a mistake."

"Since when did you contribute anything good to anyone?"

"It's totally normal for someone so awkward to be rejected."

"You misfit, liar, and pushover. You don't deserve to live."

"You're a good-for-nothing mishap of life."

"I know you're a coward. That's why you're too scared to finish what you started. But when you do, it will be the best thing you've ever accomplished. Truly, the only thing that you've ever accomplished."

"Please, stop. I know that everything you just said is completely true. I'm so sorry for all the damage I've caused. I know I can never redeem myself, and I'm not going to try anymore. This should stop now; in fact, it should have stopped long ago."

The gleaming blade, held aloft by a shaking hand, hovers over the unbroken skin. The tension is tangible, as if the slightest deciding movement could tip the scales between desperate control and sweet submission.

"Perfect. It only takes a little effort... if you dare to do it. Trust me, we will go to the place where there is no death or pain. Where you can no longer cause any pain. Others will thank you; hurry up before you change your mind!"

Trails of crimson begin to leak from the open wounds. There is a small gasp every time a new one is created, but it feels right. It feels worth it.

"No! Why did you give in? You can't reverse time now..."

"Good job! Finally, you're ridding the world of a loser. Just make sure you follow through and finish so you don't fail like you did before. Beyond recovery is a dangerous but beautiful place to be."

The streams of red flow more freely now, increased by the addition of more injuries. A small pool forms from the dripping, but is quickly mopped up to conceal any evidence of blood.

"This is great. It's only a matter of time now. Add some more just to make sure."

"No. You've failed. Giving in was a failure and it's all your fault. Why did you do this? I'm not sure if you regret this, though."

Do I regret this? Not really. It actually feels great and looks amazing.

"Why on earth would you think that??? You're messed up."

"Yes, you're messed up, but that's why you're doing it! To do something right for a change."

I decide to watch in twisted fascination as life drains out slowly in the form of liquid pain. Why do I think it's captivating? Who knows? I unbutton my shirt halfway and twist it off so I can reach my upper arms as well. It stings with every movement, but I don't care. I deserve it; I appreciate it.

"Good idea. There aren't that many large vessels near the surface there, but it doesn't hurt to try! No pun intended, of course."

"What happens if you actually lose your life this time? If you 'succeed'? Aren't you scared?"

Strangely, no. I'm not scared. I'm ready, and I'm waiting. If only it would come a little sooner...

**End of Flashback**

I nearly laugh at my train of thought. How one idea with even the tiniest bit of relation to another idea can eventually lead to a chain of ideas that is vastly different than the original idea is hilarious to me. But what's scary is that that chain led to nearly the same conclusion as when I originally started on it, before I got "distracted." Almost unconsciously, I run my fingers across my forearm, over the healed wounds. I'm glad that the new ones are on my shoulder and thus unseen by those I care about. Every mark holds a memory, a memory that reminds me that I can never be enough.

By now, I'd like to say that I've learned from my mistakes and become stronger, but inside I'm still the weak loser of a sixth grader who got bullied for the first time. I have been trying to embrace my brokenness and accept that I'm never going to live up to my own high expectations, as many have told me. But to me, my expectations don't seem high, just the normal achievements that one may expect a human to have.

Since everything has a flip side, I can never complete one side of my goals without ignoring the other, which ultimately ends in my failure since you can't have a one-sided coin. I don't know why I tend to complicate things for the sake of complicating things; my own premeditated choices make no sense. One of my favourite songs comes to mind at this point. Well, any Twenty One Pilots song is my favourite song.

"I'm never what I like, I'm double-sided and I just can't hide. I kind of like it when I make you cry, 'cause I'm twisted up, I'm twisted up, inside my mind."