July 1, 2018

What joy filled the summer air! The whole world seemed to be on the edge of its seat, quivering with excitement. Kasumii skipped along the well-beaten forest pathway, sunlight turning her raven-black hair a deep shade of violet. She knew that she was being childish, but she didn't care. Today was a day for celebration! No longer would she have to spend hours every day in a high school building; she was free! The graduate's skipping turned to running, and the trees blurred as she flew past them. Her light jacket slapped her legs as she ran, turning corners and rounding bends. A melodious laugh split the air, as if her excitement had bubbled up and overflown with the sound of a wind chime in a gentle breeze.

Eventually, the initial cheer wore off and Kasumii stopped, taking a deep breath. She had run all the way to the local park. Kasumii flopped down on a park bench, out of breath. She closed her eyes and let the sunshine warm her face and amass her thoughts. Reaching for her sketchbook, the graduate studied her surroundings. Leaves rustled softly while children shouted, playing their games on the playground nearby. A small boy was chasing a silver squirrel, which promptly disappeared into a nearby elm in a leap and a bound. The boy groaned in disappointment as he watched his animal friend vanish in the foliage. His mother took his hand and led him over to the playground, pointing out the things he could do.

She was beautiful, but appeared to have a strange sadness behind her dark brown eyes. Kasumii tried not to stare, but it was difficult. Pulling out a pencil, she began to sketch the young mother's beautiful face and guarded expression. First she drew out the eyes, the windows to the soul. Then appeared the slender nose, and smooth lips. Kasumii studied her art. Something was missing.

Kasumii jumped as someone sat beside her. She dared to sneak a peek at the person, hoping her action wasn't noticeable. What she saw nearly made her fall off the bench. The newcomer was tall and slender, with skin much too pale for the amount of sun that had beat down that summer. He had chocolate brown eyes and a messy mop of black curls. But that wasn't the shock.

The boy was wearing long dress pants, short boots, and a leather jacket studded with pins and buttons. His collar was turned up and despite the heat, he was wearing all black. Just like Kasumii. She gawked at him and he turned to face her.

"Is everything all right?" he smiled, chocolate brown eyes looking into her ice grey ones.

"Uh... uh... yeah!" Kasumii tried to look away, blushing. How embarrassing that this handsome stranger had caught her staring!

An awkward silence fell like fall leaves. Out of the corner of her eye, Kasumii could see that the boy was watching her curiously. She blushed harder.

"What's your name? I'm Jakob," said the boy, offering his hand.

"Gloves in the middle of summer?" Kasumii thought, observing the black skeleton gloves that covered the boy's arm from hand to elbow.

She put her small pale hand into the large gloved one and shook. "Kasumii," she whispered, barely audible.

Her heart nearly stopped as he leaned closer to hear better. "I apologize, what did you say?"

"I'm Kasumii," she said, a bit louder.

"Well, Kasumii, that's an amazing shirt you've got on!" Jakob complimented.

She looked down at her old MCR T-shirt. "Oh, this? You like My Chemical Romance too?"

"Like doesn't even begin to cover it!" exclaimed Jakob. "It's got to be one of the greatest bands of all time!"

"It really is! What's your favorite song? Mine's Bulletproof Heart," Kasumii answered, finding her voice at last.

"Hmm, that's hard," Jakob mused. "Maybe Disenchanted?"

"That's a good one. It really makes you think about life and how you treat others."

Kasumii continued to converse with Jakob. She found that he was very similar to her indeed. They discussed deep thoughts, praised bands, and celebrated the freedom of being out of school. Jakob had graduated an year earlier. An hour later, Kasumii found herself asking the question she had been wondering during the entire conversation.

"Jakob," she began. "I was wondering, why did you care to talk to me? Why didn't you just pass by? I know you said you were on your way home."

"Honestly, I don't exactly know," he responded with a laugh. "I just saw you, noticed MCR, and thought I should at least stop and compliment you." He shook his head. More seriously, he added, "I'm glad I did."

Kasumii was at a loss for words. Her thoughts buzzed like a hummingbird's wings. When she finally spoke, she simply said, "I'm glad I met you as well."

Jakob smiled at this and got up. He slipped one hand in his pocket, and offered the other. "Goodbye handshake?" he inquired, making what Kasumii assumed was his attempt at a puppy face.

"Sure, why not?" she grinned, taking his hand.

Like a flash, Jakob whipped out a pen. Seconds later, he was walking away as Kasumii looked down at her hand.

"364-941-3956. Text me:P"

She smiled down at the message. Perhaps this summer she truly would have a friend.

February 2, 2019

Kasumii's POV

I can't believe it's been over an year already. Over an year since I met my crazy, loving boyfriend and best friend. At least to me, it seems like no time at all has passed since we met, but we've been dating since February of last year. The fact that anyone could love someone like me is absolutely beyond me. Ever since I "turned emo" in my freshman year of high school, no one has ever looked at me the same. Ha. Honestly, that was the year I actually gained some maturity.

Learning to live with yourself and stay sane and strong completely friendless was a challenge I had to overcome. Or tried to overcome. I didn't handle it so well. I kept telling myself that things would change, that someone would come along and be my friend. I wasn't even being unfriendly and aloof. I would smile at people, and try to engage them in conversations about themselves, people's favorite subject. Even with my efforts at socialization, I failed and eventually gave up on talking to people. I began to think of myself as a social failure, someone stupid and unlovable.

Night after night the voices would haunt me, replaying memories of hurtful words or inventing new insults to torment me. And I listened. I started to believe those voices, the ones that told me that I was worthless, that nobody cared that I existed. I started to believe them because they were the only entities that would talk to me. How's that for having inner demons for friends? At any rate, I was losing the battle against hopelessness, and losing fast. There were times that I wasn't sure if I could hold on any longer.

All that changed when I met Jakob. No, it wasn't a sudden fairy tale change, where someone waved a wand and all sorrows came undone. It was a long change, it was a hard change, it was a struggle. But he helped me through it. Someone cared enough to ask me about my day. Someone dared to tell me that I'm not okay. It wasn't a stereotypical girl-meets-guy-they-hit-it-up sort of relationship. Oh, no, absolutely not. Despite his friendliness, I was rather cautious. When I arrived home, I looked up his number before texting him to read reports and make sure he wasn't dangerous. After finally texting him, I refused to tell him my last name until we were dating two months.

I'm a very cautious person. He was patient with me the whole time and never became angry when I didn't expound on a subject. Sure, there were times when he seemed a bit frustrated that I didn't trust him even though we had been dating over six months, but they were mild and never lasted. Our first date was amazing though; he took me to see Black Veil Brides, an amazing band we both liked. That in and of itself was enough to soften me up a bit. I think he knew that.

As amazing as our first date was, it pales compared to our first kiss. Okay, not really, it's hard to belittle a Black Veil Brides concert. But our first kiss was... anything but sweet and romantic. I was sitting next to him on his bed on Halloween, listening to Twenty One Pilots and drinking some water. We were planning to go out in costume, as we figured we'd better do it at least one last time before becoming adults.

So I was drinking water, and being all chill, when out of nowhere he playfully tackled me spilled my water all over me. I guess he didn't see I had it. And then his kissing skills were... interesting to say the least. I started off my Halloween soaked and embarrassed. Great. However, despite the rough start, we have become not only boyfriend and girlfriend, but also the best of friends. I couldn't ask for a better support and companion.

Jakob's POV

More than an year has gone by since I first saw my now-girlfriend in the park. And I still fail to understand how all this happened. I was just walking home after quite the argument with my only friend. Obviously quite dejected, I wasn't paying much attention to my surroundings. If I had kept going like that, I probably would have been hit by a car as I was walking. Thankfully, she popped into my life just minutes after I left my friend's house.

First off, I noticed we had a similar interest... My Chemical Romance! Then she looked up... I swear I saw an angel. I know she'd kill me if I said that in front of her; she's very modest. I wanted so badly to talk to her, but I'm socially awkward so I wasn't quite sure how to start. I finally decided that a compliment was probably the safe way to go. It took all of my courage not to run away screaming then and there, which I sheepishly confessed to her later on. Surprisingly, she found it endearing and not wimpy. Wow.

At any rate, I've found that Kasumii is quite the character. The first time I met her in person after our initial meeting was in August. We had been texting about a month before then. I still remember that she was wearing the same clothes she had when we first met. It was pretty funny, like she'd completely forgotton me. She seemed to keep a fair distance and would look away often. I was perplexed. What was I doing wrong? Later, she explained to me that sometimes girls react that way when they don't know what else to do. Go figure.

Along the way I learned a fair amount about her, her little quirks and habits. She can be scary and grumpy, and two seconds later be cute as a kitten. It's something I'll never understand, but I love it about her. I'm not without my faults, I must say. Often I struggle with the same doubts and fears she expressed to me. I struggle with understanding my worth and purpose too. Those late nights we spent talking about difficult subjects have brought us closer as a couple and stronger as a team.

Even though I'm not cool or interesting, she's my biggest fan and most enthusiastic cheerleader. For that, I will forever be grateful. I just have to say it; I love our relationship. Often she's strong when I am broken. She doesn't expect me to always be her protector, though I'd love to be. I really love my girl.

February 3, 2019

Kasumii bounced around her room in excitement. Soon she and Jake would be celebrating their one-year anniversary of dating. She had to make sure everything was perfect for him. Rummaging in her closet for appropriate clothing, she wondered what he had in mind. Jake had promised her a surprise, and had refused to even give hints. She hoped it wasn't another skating date.

Though she was a skilled figure skater herself, Jake's long legs and clumsiness on ice had resulted in a wrist fracture, sending him to emergency care only minutes after starting. Kasumii had felt guilty for sharing that she enjoyed skating, feeling that she had been the reason for his injury. Jake had waved it off(with his good hand) and told her not to worry about it. Still, she hoped it was something else, if only for his sake. Having finally decided on a Black Veil Brides hoodie and a pair of ripped black skinny jeans, Kasumii had just finished dressing when she heard the doorbell ring. She grabbed the present she had prepared for Jake and dashing to the door. Throwing the door open, she jumped back in surprise. She was covered from head to toe in rainbow confetti. Her face was frozen in a look a shock.

On the porch, Jake was gasping with laughter at the sight of his shocked girlfriend covered in rainbow confetti.

"You—you look like unicorn exploded on you!" he choked out amidst giggles.

Kasumii just stood there for a moment and stared at him. Then she grabbed a handful of confetti from her shoulder and flung it at him. Jake squeaked as he dodged the confetti meant for his head. It hit him squarely in the chest.

"Hey!" he protested, scooping up more confetti from the ground.

"Oh no you don't!" admonished Kasumii, hugging him so he couldn't throw the confetti.

"No fair!" Jake mumbled but hugged Kasumii back. He dropped the confetti, then sat on the porch swing and held out his arms. Kasumii dusted off the majority of the rainbow confetti and closed the door before sitting on Jake's lap. She brushed confetti out of his hair. It trickled to the ground like colorful floating feathers.

"So, was this your idea of an anniversary surprise?" she teased him. "Dumping unicorn byproduct on me?"

"Unicorn byproduct?! This is high-quality unicorn poofness!" he said indignantly. "And no, that was just the beginning!"

"Oh no! What else have you schemed?" Kasumii questioned.

"Never fear! There is much I have planned," declared Jake, jabbing the air with his left hand. It was his signature sign of a conspired plot.

"I'm looking forward to seeing what you decided to surprise me with! As long as it's not more unicorn poofness," Kasumii told him, grinning widely. Before he could protest, she leaned down and picked up the bag containing her gift. "I bought you this. I hope you like it; I know it's not much. I'm not as good at giving gifts as you are. No unicorn poofness."

"Aww, thanks! You didn't have to get me anything."

"What are you talking about??! It's our one-year anniversary! Of I course I did! You're completely worth it."

Jake chuckled and shook his hair out of his face before removing the tissue paper and dumping it on Kasumii's head.

"Hey, what was that for?" she protested, grabbing at the sparkly pink paper.

"I was just decorating you for our anniversary," Jake replied innocently.

Kasumii was about to respond, but Jake interrupted her.

"Thank you so much! I love it!" He held up a Black Veil Brides hoodie, and their newest CD, Vale.

Kasumii got up to allow him to put on the hoodie. "I thought it would be fun to match," she said matter-of-factly.

"I love your gift and I love you so much," he responded, pulling her in for another hug.

She cocked an eyebrow. "Are you sure you love it more than I loved your unicorn poofness?"

Jake laughed. "I'm actually not sure about that one." He pretended not to notice that she had avoided answering the question.

"At any rate, let's go shall we?" he inquired, and began walking towards his car.

"Of course! I can't wait!" exclaimed Kasumii and climbed in the passenger's side.

"Now remember, if I tell you not to, don't look, it's a surprise!" Jake reminded her for the seventieth time.

"Yes, yes, I remember!" replied Kasumii, clicking her buckle.

Jake put in the new CD and they both fell silent as Andy serenaded them.

His deep voice resonated off the interior of the car.

Eventually, they pulled up at a mall. Jake pulled out a black bandanna out of the glove box and waved it in Kasumii's face.

"Will you close your eyes, or do I have to put this on you?" he asked

"I'll go with closing my eyes, thank you!" Kasumii said, swatting at the bandanna. "So bossy," she muttered, but good-naturedly.

"Great! No peeking!" he instructed, and took her hand, leading her forward.

"Make sure not to kill me with a curb or light pole or something," added Kasumii.

"Okay, we're walking forward," Jake informed. "Now you're walking... wrong way, come over slightly left... now there's a step. Two steps, actually."

Kasumii yelped in surprise as the unforeseen second step employed her balance.

Eventually the couple weaved their way through the crowds and entered a smaller room. Jake led his girlfriend to a chair and helped her sit down.

"Now stay here, I'll be back with your surprise!" he called mysteriously.

The hum of the people was almost sleep-inducing for Kasumii. It didn't help that she hadn't slept for more than four hours per night for as long as she could remember.

Jake came back, holding a squirming black kitten. The kitten mewled and batted at Jake's hands with his tiny paws.

"You can look now! You may want to take him; he seems rather restless."

He? Restless? Kasumii's eyes shot open. The moment she laid eyes on the little cat, she was smitten.

"Oh my goodness! He's so cute! May I?"

Jake placed the mewling kitten in Kasumii's arms. Kasumii smiled as the kitten buried himself in her hoodie, hooking his claws in the fabric.

"What do you want to call him? They never gave him a name."

Observing the kitten's dark fur and glowing emerald eyes, Kasumii was already speaking. "Raven," she said, petting his fuzzy head.

"You want to name a cat Raven?" Jake inquired. Before his girlfriend could give an appropriate retort, he added, "It's up to you. He's all yours."

"Thank you so much. He is the most handsome little dude I've ever seen!"

"More handsome than me?" asked Jake, jokingly looking miffed.

"Of course not!" Kasumii responded and stuck out her tongue.

They strolled back outside into the cold light of the winter sun. Puffs of breath dissipated into tiny droplets in the frigid air.

"Make sure not to slip on the ice! It's dangerous at this time of year," Jake pointed out.

As if to prove his point, a small car came careening towards them across the parking lot.

"Kasumii! Get out of the way!" Jake tried to pull his girlfriend out of the path of the approaching vehicle.

It was too late. Smack. Jake caught his breath; the car had missed him by inches. Kasumii was not so lucky. She was on the ground. A crimson stain began to spread across her hoodie. Little Raven pawed at her hair and gave a plaintive cry. Jake's whole body was numb as he frantically dialed for an ambulance.

February 4, 2020

Kasumii's Father's POV

I have no words for the shock and pain that has come from this terrible accident. My little girl... covered in bandages and hooked up to machines in a hospital bed. It was very fortunate that her boyfriend was there to call for help. He must be taking it hard. I think that those who are unskilled in driving in icy conditions should stay home so that these things don't happen! But what matters right now is that she recovers. I hate to say it, but she doesn't seem responsive to the treatment. But that could also just be the fact that she recently arrived, right? Right?

Kasumii's Mother's POV

I feel awful that my girl has to go through this. She didn't deserve any of it, especially not on her special day. I was hoping that she would be able to spend day having fun and enjoying her life. Why that car had to ruin it all I'll never know. I wish I could say something to help Jake. He seems to blame himself for what happened. Anything to bring a smile to the face of the one who made my daughter smile for the first time in years...

Kasumii's Sister's POV

It's harder than I thought it would be to see my little sister lying in a hospital bed. I remembered her as a vibrant, enthusiastic little girl. Not this broken girl that I see now. Even though I hadn't seen her for a while, I will never forget the joy we shared together. The remembrance of that joy now brings me to wish I could restore it to her... to bring her back so she can spend another day in the land of the living. I'm not a mother, but Kasumii and I share a special bond. I do hope she gets well.

Kasumii's Brother's POV

I don't understand. Why is One-san lying there so still? Why is there weird stuff stuck on her? It looks a little scary. I'm afraid to look but I can't help it. I was told that "it's not a sight for young children." But why? Everyone else gets to be there. It's not fair that I have to wait outside in the children's area. But my whole family seems so worried and tense... I wonder what's going to happen.

Raven's POV

I've been taken to three different places today! It was overwhelming, but fairly fun. So many sights and smells to explore! The first strange creature that held me when I got picked me up was scary because he was so big, but the other one was much smaller and the stuff she was wearing reminded me of a blanket I was fond of when I was younger. She's a comfort to me in these crazy places. I hope she wakes up soon; I want to play!

Jake's POV

Ugh... if only I had been a second faster! I have utterly failed as a protector. I go out to do something nice to surprise her, and she ends up unconscious in a hospital bed. I am such a failure; I'll never forgive myself for what I did to her. I hate my weakness with a passion. But stronger than my hate is pure terror. All of the "what ifs" are running through my mind, and I'm terrified than any of them will come into fruition. Why couldn't I have protected her better? What is wrong with me? I can't believe an angel like her could ever have liked someone like me. I wish it had been hit instead of her.

Kasumii's POV

Ouch... the lights are so bright. Not a beautiful bright, like the light of the stars or the moon, but a cold, forbidding bright. Why am I here? I can't quite recall it... Oh that's right! I completely ruined Jake's and my date by getting hit by that stupid car. Why can't I do anything right? I can hear people talking. Maybe they're asking me to wake up. I want to answer them, but I don't want to open my eyes to the bright lights again. I feel really awful for making people worried; it's at times like these that I wish I would die to free them from me. Wishful thinking...

February 5, 2020

Sunlight flooded the room in which Kasumii lay, illuminating her starkly white bedsheets. A nearby cherry tree grazed the window; it was just beginning to bud. As the light trickled through the window, it eventually reached Kasumii's eyelids. Her eyes fluttered open, and she blinked several times to clear her head. Through her eyelashes, it seemed that everything was slanted, distorted by the angle of the light.

Attempting to sit up, she propped herself up on her arms, but was stopped abruptly. Apparently her arm was still attached to some equipment. Kasumii sighed and settled back down; it was a quiet sound, but it was enough to wake the boy sleeping on the bedside chair. He jerked up in his seat, still half-asleep.

"Good morning, sunshine," she teased him gently, shooting him a playful grin.

Jake hastily got to his feet, and stepped up to the hospital bed.

"How are you feeling?" he asked anxiously.

"So, it's the middle of freezing February and I get hit by a car. I'm in the hospital. How do you think I'm feeling?"

She pretended to glare at him in annoyance.

"Sorry, sorry!" Jake backtracked. "I didn't mean to distress you! I was just so worried, and I wanted to hear it from you how you're doing."

Kasumii laughed her wind chime laugh and Jake tensed, wondering what she was going to say.

"Distress me? What is this new worry? Really, Jake, I'm doing the best I can be doing. Whatever pain meds they gave me have been working, and I don't feel totally awful."

"That last statement was a bit of a lie," she admitted to herself, shifting under the covers. What had been a strange sort of numbness previously had escalated to a dull, throbbing ache.

Jake eyed her cautiously, as if the slightest word misspoken would shatter her. He pulled the chair closer to Kasumii's bedside and sat down, taking her hand.

"You were unconscious for over five hours yesterday," Jake said slowly.

His expression was serious, but Kasumii thought she could detect another emotion lurking behind his eyes. Was it fear? Worry? Guilt? She couldn't quite tell.

He continued, "Your rib cage has been broken, and one of your lungs is damaged. The doctor also indicated a likely head and spinal injury as well."

Kasumii forced a laugh, but she couldn't quell the active twinge of anxiety that bit at her.

"Oh, just one lung? At least it's not both!" she said cheerfully. "Really, what's the worst thing that could happen? Perhaps a long recovery, but that's about it!"

Jake took a deep breath before answering. "Kasumii, a potential spinal injury. You may never walk, let alone skate, ever again."

The truth of his words sank in. Kasumii gulped, but tried to save face for Jake's sake. However, she did attempt to move her legs without him noticing. It was no use. Swallowing the rising fears and doubts, she tried to formulate an alternate reason for this. Finally, she decided that it was probably just because of the medication she was on; she would soon regain the use of her legs.

"No matter what happens, things will be okay. I would give up skating and all the world be with you and the rest of the family. Even if it turns out that I am unable to walk, I will still be very thankful for what I do have. At least I made it through the accident alive."

Jake smiled at wonder at his girlfriend. How she found the strength to be where she was and stay cheerful and optimistic, he did not know.

"You know, you're incredibly brave to be taking injuries from a car accident this way. Most people would be complaining and moping at this point."

"Well, I'm not most people, right?" Kasumii quipped with a smile. "I just find no use in worrying. It never does anything productive for your sake. There's no reason to worry at all; worrying can't change anything."

Jake thought that there was plenty of reason to worry, but didn't mention this to Kasumii. He didn't want to ruin her current mood.

"So what have I missed while I was out of the land of the living?"

He wasn't sure what to tell her.

"Well, for one, your little brother has been asking for you over and over. And your sister's come over from Hokkaido."

"My sister? She's here?"

"Yes. I know you've missed her ever since you moved here to America and she decided to stay behind in Japan with her husband."

"Where is she now? Is she here at the hospital?"

"She's at your house right now with the rest of your family. They wanted to be here, but they needed to go home and proceed as usual, if only for your little brother's sake. He really seems to miss you a lot, and it's only been one day since the accident."

A small smile spread across Kasumii's face.

"You should be home with your family, not with boring old me," she chided him.

"Why would you say that you're boring? You're one of the most creative and artistic people I've ever met! You always have something deep and interesting to say. Besides, I wanted to make sure you were okay; I stayed up all night watching and hoping that you'd wake up and recover."

"You really didn't have to!"

"And someone else wants to see you! I can't take him out because we're in a medical facility, but I thought you might like to see him." Jake lifted a small crate onto his lap. Inside, Raven was sleeping peacefully, his tiny body rising and falling with every breath.

"Such an cute little guy! I'm glad he's settling in without any stress. I wish I could be like him, at peace and without a care in the world."

"Do you really want that? To have no cares in the world? How does that bring peace?" Jake asked quietly.

February 6, 2020

It seemed an eternity before Kasumii responded. She seemed to be mentally weighing her options before making a decision.

"You're right. Caring is what brings the closeness and meaning in life. It's just that sometimes I wish, I don't know, that I could take a break from it all and be as free as a falcon on the wind."

The wistful look of longing on her face made Jake wish he could do something for her. Only he knew he couldn't; he was completely powerless to help. Jake internally cursed his weakness. Besides failing to save her from injury, he had also failed to bring her any comfort. His voice choked up slightly as he answered her.

"What does freedom look like to you?"

"Well, freedom in general is known as the permission or ability to do whatever one wants. Though I somewhat agree with that definition, I get the feeling that true freedom is more than doing whatever one wants and having no cares or responsibilities." She paused. "Perhaps true freedom lies in the knowledge that we've truly done our best and given all we could during the gift of our time on earth."

Jake tried to process this statement.

"So you're basically saying that true freedom is leaving this world knowing that you've given and done all you can?"

"Yes. That, and one more thing I can't exactly put my finger on. I guess it's that hidden truth we will never know until we've ventured in Beyond."

Something in her words roused a sleeping fear in Jake, a fear that was dozing, awakening, and subsiding.

"Surely you don't plan on that being anytime soon?" Jake asked anxiously.

"What I've learned is that some things are simply out of our control. We try to go one way, and life forces us into a direction we never thought we'd take. Whether it be two days or fifty years, every bit of time is precious beyond what we see."

"That's so true. Often we take tomorrow for granted, when in reality, life could be swept away as fast as a mountain wind."

Jake pictured Kasumii lifeless, cold, and still in a casket. Blinking back unexpected tears, he turned his head she she wouldn't see him cry. He ached to be be in control; to beat down his helplessness.

"Jake. Look at me. It's okay to cry; I will never judge you for that."

Kasumii's gentle voice and soothing manner was like a knife in his chest. She always seemed to be able to tell what he was thinking. Here she was, battered and broken, and still trying to bring him comfort. He, who should be the one comforting her.

"It's just that... the thought of losing you forever... never seeing you again..."

His voice was cut off by a choked sniffle, and he buried his head in his arms.

Kasumii stroked his hair gently with her good hand. She too longed to bring solace to her troubled companion.

"Even if I have to leave you, I want you to carry on," she said softly. "You'd be all right, and you'd find happiness with someone else. You're strong and capable, and I believe in you. There's no reason to be sad about things out of your control."

"I don't want you to go," whispered Jake, almost childlike.

She smiled sadly at his shaking form.

"I don't want to leave you either, and hope that things will turn out for the better, that we can go on as usual. I just want to be prepared-and I want you to be prepared-if that is not meant to be."

"What would I be able to do without you? I don't know what I'd do."

"Oh, silly," Kasumii grinned. "You'd keep on living! Spend your life fulfilling your hopes and dreams. Live and work and find joy and peace."

"You don't understand. You are my hope and dream."

"Jakob Eli Christopher Zhang! Listen to me. I love you with all I have, but I don't want to tie you down. You need to be prepared to possibly move on."

"But what if I want you to tie me down? You are not a burden and will never be one."

"I wish I could promise that I will be around to continue to pester you. In case I'm not, may I make a request?"

"Anything. However, you will be around; you have to be!" he answered fiercely.

This passionate sentiment brought a loving smile to his girlfriend's lips. She wished that she could reassure him somehow.

"No matter what happens, I will always be with you. If not physically by your side, in here." She placed her hand over Jake's heart. "Keep me close, and I'll never truly leave you."

Her consoling words hit deep again, and the pain in his heart spread like a shock wave throughout his entire body.

"Come here. You need a hug."

She wrapped her arm over his shoulders, pulling him closer. Burying her face in his shoulder, she whispered in his ear, "You can let me go."

"You... want me to go?" he asked.

"Yes, Jake. It's time. Get some rest and go back to your family. You must be exhausted."

Jake's face was unreadable as he studied Kasumii's.

Without warning, he leaned forward and pressed his warm lips softly against hers, making sure not to hurt her.

Kasumii's eyes widened in surprise, but she nestled her fingers deep in his hair as they kissed. Just as she was about to pull away, Jake drew back slightly to gaze at her once more. She smiled and drank in his scent as their lips met again.

"I'll be back soon," Jake whispered against her mouth.

He brushed the hair from her face before getting up and picking up Raven's crate. He gave her a parting smile, but as he turned to leave, Kasumii saw his face tighten.

February 7, 2020

Kasumii's POV

I don't know what to do. I tried so hard to keep up my optimism for Jake because he worries easily. It seems that as much as I'm trying to convince him that things will be okay, I'm starting to be unsure myself. Earlier I was telling him that if I, dare I say it, die, that he should move on and that it wouldn't ultimately be a bad thing. Everyone dies eventually; it's just that some leave this earth sooner than others. It may not make sense why it had to happen, but it's amazing to focus on the sheer unfathomable concept that is death.

Simply put, death is when a person's vital functions have terminated for an extended period of time. But then, what is life? The opposite of death? If that is true, then the definition of life would be when a person's vital functions are working properly for an extended period of time. That definition of life makes us mere molecules, pieced together for one purpose: to die. Truly, are we not all searching for purpose? Going by those definitions makes for a very hopeless reason for us to live. In fact, it seems that there is no purpose for us to live.

If one thinks about what life is all about, he will see that it is more than just having functioning body systems. All the things that make life seem worth it, what we love, what we enjoy, our relationships, our service to others, even fighting through the hard times--these things are all beyond our physical body. I can't even begin to understand how thought processes work, how personalities are never completely the same, how even twins are absolutely unique, or how the spirit is spliced from soul and body.

Certainly, scientists have made great advancements to somewhat explain these amazing instances, but as for true understanding, no person can transcend that gap. I wonder if I will see with new eyes in Beyond. If there is truly a life after death, how does it differ from the life I live now? Will the definition of "living" change? Can you die in a life after death? I suppose I start thinking some rather crazy things when I'm immobilized in a hospital bed.

It's strange, even though my thoughts seem crazy, so does life in general. Yet we often do not spend time to think upon these things, and if we do, often it is only a cursory exchange. So many people are quite uncomfortable with the concept of death. For is there not only pain in life? I suppose it is the fear of the unknown that makes them worry. I do not deny that I'm scared, but somehow I feel this unusual peace, as if I were going to take a lovely vacation.

I watch as the door opens slowly and nurse peeks in, interrupting my train of thought. She gives me a warm smile. "Hello, my name is Cayce, and I will be your nurse for today! I am coming in to replenish your pain meds, as they are probably wearing off by now."

She reaches for the IV, but I stop her. "Wait!"

Cayce pauses mid-reach and looks at me. "What's wrong, honey? What can I help you with?"

I blush at her use of the children's term of endearment, but do not comment about it. Deciding to be honest, I speak up. "Wait. I want to feel. Earlier, it seemed like my legs were numb. Perhaps numb isn't the right word for it, but it was a really weird sensation, and I couldn't move my legs. Can you tell me what's happened and what I can do about it?"

She gives a soft sigh and that pitying look that adults give ignorant children crossed her face. That didn't look good. I brace myself for her answer, somehow already knowing what to expect.

"You are paraplegic," she begins.

Noticing my look of confusion, she explains. "That means that you are partially paralyzed. With time and physical therapy, you would be able to regain some use of your legs by strengthening the muscles and repairing neuron connections. For the time being, it is best to simply rest."

"How long do I have to rest?" I ask weakly. It had better not be too long.

"Complete recovery could take over six months." She looks sympathetic. I don't like that; something seems off. It seems a wise decision to hold back from voicing my dismay.

"Well... is there anything else?" I quip. "Why do I need pain meds when I can't feel that much?"

It hits me. Oh right, Jake said I broke my ribs. They don't hurt that much! It only feels like an angry llama stomped on my chest!

Unfortunately, she sees right through me.

"It'll help, I promise," she responds.

I am about to protest, but also wonder why exactly I want to protest. Did I really want to keep feeling the pain, if only to somehow keep in touch with myself? I don't even know why I wanted that anymore. I would have to think about it when I'm less tired and can think clearly. Sinking back to the bed, I sigh, annoyed with myself and a bit grumpy.

Cayce clicks something, but I don't care. I'm too tired to care. I'm too guilty to care. And I'm too confused to even wonder why. What on earth is wrong with me? I feel that I'm going insane, but am I? I seem to be all there, but that's subjective to my current knowledge. The drowsiness begins to overtake me, and a misty haze appears along the margins of my vision. Ugh, what is this stuff? Wait, does it really matter? Do I really matter? Does anything really matter? Probably not.

**TRIGGER WARNING!!!***

February 8, 2020

Kasumii's POV

In that strange state between sleep and wakefulness, when all things seem to interconnect in myriad filaments of light and memory, when memories are recalled with startling vividness but also with shrouded mystery-that is where I remained for who knows how long. You lose track of time when you don't think too much about the very existence of time. I knew I had to go somewhere, but I could not figure out what exactly to do to achieve that goal. It is quite an uncomfortable situation when one cannot rest undisturbed but also cannot retain those elusive memories. If anything, it seems that the negative experiences tend to remain with us longer, staining our recollections of joy and contentment. A reminder that we are broken people in a broken world.

**Flashback**

"It doesn't matter how hard you've tried."

"You will never be enough."

"You're not worth your time on earth."

"Who could ever love a failure like you?"

"Why do you even waste your time trying to redeem yourself?"

"Everyone would be better off without you."

"You just make life harder for everyone else by existing."

"You're stupid and never learn from your mistakes."

"Your whole life is a mistake."

"Since when did you contribute anything good to anyone?"

"It's totally normal for someone so awkward to be rejected."

"You misfit, liar, and pushover. You don't deserve to live."

"You're a good-for-nothing mishap of life."

"I know you're a coward. That's why you're too scared to finish what you started. But when you do, it will be the best thing you've ever accomplished. Truly, the only thing that you've ever accomplished."

"Please, stop. I know that everything you just said is completely true. I'm so sorry for all the damage I've caused. I know I can never redeem myself, and I'm not going to try anymore. This should stop now; in fact, it should have stopped long ago."

The gleaming blade, held aloft by a shaking hand, hovers over the unbroken skin. The tension is tangible, as if the slightest deciding movement could tip the scales between desperate control and sweet submission.

"Perfect. It only takes a little effort... if you dare to do it. Trust me, we will go to the place where there is no death or pain. Where you can no longer cause any pain. Others will thank you; hurry up before you change your mind!"

Trails of crimson begin to leak from the open wounds. There is a small gasp every time a new one is created, but it feels right. It feels worth it.

"No! Why did you give in? You can't reverse time now..."

"Good job! Finally, you're ridding the world of a loser. Just make sure you follow through and finish so you don't fail like you did before. Beyond recovery is a dangerous but beautiful place to be."

The streams of red flow more freely now, increased by the addition of more injuries. A small pool forms from the dripping, but is quickly mopped up to conceal any evidence of blood.

"This is great. It's only a matter of time now. Add some more just to make sure."

"No. You've failed. Giving in was a failure and it's all your fault. Why did you do this? I'm not sure if you regret this, though."

Do I regret this? Not really. It actually feels great and looks amazing.

"Why on earth would you think that??? You're messed up."

"Yes, you're messed up, but that's why you're doing it! To do something right for a change."

I decide to watch in twisted fascination as life drains out slowly in the form of liquid pain. Why do I think it's captivating? Who knows? I unbutton my shirt halfway and twist it off so I can reach my upper arms as well. It stings with every movement, but I don't care. I deserve it; I appreciate it.

"Good idea. There aren't that many large vessels near the surface there, but it doesn't hurt to try! No pun intended, of course."

"What happens if you actually lose your life this time? If you 'succeed'? Aren't you scared?"

Strangely, no. I'm not scared. I'm ready, and I'm waiting. If only it would come a little sooner...

**End of Flashback**

I nearly laugh at my train of thought. How one idea with even the tiniest bit of relation to another idea can eventually lead to a chain of ideas that is vastly different than the original idea is hilarious to me. But what's scary is that that chain led to nearly the same conclusion as when I originally started on it, before I got "distracted." Almost unconsciously, I run my fingers across my forearm, over the healed wounds. I'm glad that the new ones are on my shoulder and thus unseen by those I care about. Every mark holds a memory, a memory that reminds me that I can never be enough.

By now, I'd like to say that I've learned from my mistakes and become stronger, but inside I'm still the weak loser of a sixth grader who got bullied for the first time. I have been trying to embrace my brokenness and accept that I'm never going to live up to my own high expectations, as many have told me. But to me, my expectations don't seem high, just the normal achievements that one may expect a human to have.

Since everything has a flip side, I can never complete one side of my goals without ignoring the other, which ultimately ends in my failure since you can't have a one-sided coin. I don't know why I tend to complicate things for the sake of complicating things; my own premeditated choices make no sense. One of my favourite songs comes to mind at this point. Well, any Twenty One Pilots song is my favourite song.

"I'm never what I like, I'm double-sided and I just can't hide. I kind of like it when I make you cry, 'cause I'm twisted up, I'm twisted up, inside my mind."

February 9, 2020

Kasumii felt a weird tingling sensation on her face. It was not altogether unpleasant, but not necessarily enjoyable either; it almost felt itchy.

Without opening her eyes, she reached up and felt something fuzzy in front of her face. She looked up to see... Ned.

“Yikes,” she yelped in surprise. The fuzzy plushy soared toes over horns and landed at her feet.

Jake picked Ned up, trying to restrain his laughter.

“You killed him,” he protested. Poor Ned’s ears were slightly bent out of place.

Kasumii took Ned from Jake. “Sorry, Ned,” she said, straightening his ears. Ned gazed back at her with glassy, mournful eyes. He seemed to be reproaching her for punching him across the bed.

Jake gently poked her shoulder. “I think he forgives you.”

“Ned, do you forgive me?”

The plush gremlin answered with a forlorn stare. Every inch of his adorable little face screamed sadness.

“Aww, Ned, don’t feel bad; I didn’t mean to.”

“Uhh, Kasumii? You do realize you’re talking to a stuffed gremlin?”

“Really? I never even noticed. Ned is REAL.” She nodded with conviction.

Jake slapped his forehead into his palm. “What have I started?” he groaned.

Kasumii started giggling and hugging the Ned. Jake stared at her, perplexed at her seemingly random silliness. “Was it something I said?”

“Ned is so cute and squishy! Squish.”

“Oh brother. Is all this lying around making you a little crazy?” he teased. “I’m glad you like him, though.”

“Ned is the best. We shall be buddies forever.”

“And this is what happens when you give an avid Twenty One Pilots fan a Ned plushy,” Jake intoned dramatically.

“You mean when you give anyone the cutest gremlin to walk the face of the earth.”

While Kasumii raved about the Ned, Jake peered curiously at the sheet of paper beside the bed. Kasumii’s favourite shattered blue pencil lay on top of the graphite-smeared paper.

“What have you been working on?” he asked, gesturing to the paper.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” she replied. She quickly flipped the paper over, words-side-down.

“Okay, then. Sorry if I disturbed you.”

“Don’t worry so much! You’re fine,” she said, giving him a reassuring smile.

″It’s fine? If you say so.”

“So, what have I missed? Did you learn anything new?”

Kasumii fidgeted with a strand of her hair, running it through her fingers as she considered what to say.

“There may be possible complications,” she began, still tugging at the strand. “But I’m going to go with the positive and hope for a full recovery, though it would likely take forever.”

She sighed and cast her gaze downwards once again.

“Hey, don’t give up hope. There are many factors in play here,” said Jake, waving his left hand by his face.

“I know I shouldn’t. And I’ve been trying to keep it together, especially for my little brother. My family came to visit a couple hours before you did. It was, at the least, difficult for me, I must admit.”

“That’s very kind of you to think of the needs of your family before your own, especially in this situation,” Jake murmured.

“Kind? I think it is my duty and delight as family. No matter the situation, family is the closest you can get to heaven on earth. A loving family is worth preserving, no matter what.”

“Nevertheless, I admire your outlook and strength.”

At this, Kasumii appeared to droop like a flower on a torrid summer day.

“You see, that’s the problem,” she sighed.

“What’s the problem?”

“This mask I’m wearing-the one makes me appear positive and strong-I don’t know how long I can keep it up. I so desperately want to bring comfort to those around me, but I feel like I’m breaking apart as well.”

Jake sat down next to her and met her gaze.

“Look, Kasumii. If you can’t be all those things under the mask, then the mask is useless. It’s okay to feel this way, in fact, it’s completely normal. Stop being so hard on yourself; have in mind that other people might want to be there for you too. I don’t say this to belittle your efforts; I’m just want you to know that we, your family and I, want to be the best support we can at this time. Don’t be afraid to tell us how you really feel. I promise we won’t judge you for it.”

Kasumii opened her mouth, then shut it again. She didn’t know how to respond. To her, the idea of letting others in like that was abstract. Determined to keep her head cool, she fought back the frustration manifesting itself in glistening vision threatening to break loose.

“I don’t think you understand. It doesn’t matter how hard I try; I can never be who I want to be. I do know that you and my family love me, but I still feel like I should be doing something more to deserve your love. I know this probably hurts your feelings, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being this way, I’m sorry for not being the girl you deserve, I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done.”

Jake frowned at her.

“What on earth are you talking about? You haven’t hurt my feelings, and you shouldn’t be sorry for that. Don’t forget, you’re a human being too, silly.”

Kasumii laughed mirthlessly.

“I am? Sometimes I feel more like a demon than a human.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Well, for starters, I was trying to comfort you when you felt bad about the accident even though it wasn’t your fault. Now I’m whining like a little child while you have to deal with me. I’m not that nice, as you can see.”

“That’s ridiculous. Anybody who has survived being hit full-on by a car has full rights to whine as much as they want while in the hospital,” Jake stated firmly.

This remark brought a small smile to Kasumii’s face.

“I’m not so sure about that,” she replied.

“Well, I am. Watch this.”

He got up dramatically, flicking both hands to either side, then bringing them up and crossing them above his head.

“What are you doing?” Kasumii asked in confusion.

Jake performed a majestic hair flip and raised an eyebrow at Kasumii, who was now shaking her head in disbelief at the silliness.

“You’re crazy.”

He extended his arm toward her.

“I, Jakob Zhang, king of absolutely nothing, hereby give you permission to whine all you want.”

“You really are nuts,” she muttered, trying to hide her smile. “He is rather cute.”

“Fine then, Your Majesty. My first complaint is that you worry too much. Stop worrying so much. Worrying does not affect the outcome, and if it does, it’s never a positive effect. Go home, get some rest, and for heaven’s sake, eat something!”

“Okay.” He pretended to pout for a moment, then straightened and smiled. “If it would truly bring you satisfaction, I will go home now and visit later.”

“It would bring me great satisfaction,” she answered, sticking out her tongue.

“All right. I will be back shortly,” he said, squeezing her hand in farewell.

She smiled as she closed her eyes once again, this time in peace.

February 10, 2020

Jakob's POV

"Wait, what did you say?"

The voice on the phone was muffled as it replied. "Yes, she has taken a turn for the worse. We didn't expect it either."

"She's taken a turn for the worse. But she was so vivacious yesterday."

"Jakob? Are you still there?"

I jumped, jolted out of my thoughts.

"Er, yes, I am. Sorry, got lost in thought."

"It's okay. I understand that it's a lot to take in. Don't hesitate to stop by or give me a call if you need to, all right?"

"All right. Thank you, Nishimura-san."

Hanging up with a sigh, I let everything collapse. An eternity seemed to go by as I remained motionless, my mind drawing a restless blank. I was now faced with a decision: should I go visit? Or should I wait for more news and prepare myself to be mentally and emotionally stable? Decisions, especially ones of great importance, have never been easy for me to make. But I recall one in particular that shaped my life to be as it is now.

Plip, plip, plip. Raindrops spattered the cement, darkening the sidewalk and streets. The silhouettes of houses and trees in the neighborhood were illuminated by the lightning bolts splitting the sky. I sighed, wishing that the thunderstorms would be over. Already, many of my recreational events had been canceled, leaving me in for a weekend at home.

"I hate Oregon," I grumbled. "Why did we have to move here? All we get here is rain or snow for nine months of the year. I wouldn't be surprised if six of those months contain high winds as well."

As if to prove my point, a gust of wind rattled the window I was watching the storm through. To my surprise, the wind carried an big black umbrella across the street. Jumping onto the sofa to get a better view, I looked for the owner of the umbrella. The owner soon came into view. She was running after the umbrella. Rain slicked her black tresses against her dark olive skin. Her hoodie and jeans were completely soaked through. As she arrived directly in my field of vision, she stopped, obviously giving up her umbrella for lost.

"Who on earth would be out in this kind of storm?" I murmured.

I decided to go outside to get a better look. When I stepped out onto the porch, I observed that she appeared to be a couple years younger than me, perhaps fifteen. She sat on the curb, drawing up her knees and burying her face in her hands. I tried to make up my mind whether to approach her or go back inside. She was a stranger, after all. But something about her drew me in. I don't know what it was, but before I knew it my feet had carried me to the edge of the curb. Being a shy person, I swallowed nervously and fidgeted a bit before speaking.

"Hey," I said softly.

She didn't turn around to acknowledge me. In fact, she didn't move at all, except for her shaking shoulders. Assuming that she didn't hear me, I sat next to her and gently touched her shoulder. She jumped and looked straight at me. Her mocha eyes glistened, and her face was streaked-by rain or tears, I couldn't tell.

"Hey," I said again. "Are you all right?"

She didn't respond, but her expression said it all. In her eyes was a mixture of pain, fear, and confusion, as well as a dull glint that suggested that she hadn't slept well in weeks.

"Things are not easy for you right now, are they?" I went on. "They're out of your control, and you must feel so helpless."

Again, she gave no answer, but continued to gaze at me with her piercing mocha eyes. Ever so slightly, she tilted her head in response to my question, a tiny nod. I was starting to feel uncomfortable under the intensity of her gaze, as she seemed to be watching my lips carefully. She cupped her hand around her ear and shook her head. It finally clicked in my mind. She was deaf.

That made conversation a bit more difficult. I struggled to remember any basic sign language. Failing to do so, I pulled out the notepad I always kept on me. One of those annoyingly bright yellow pencils was inserted between the pages. I opened it and wrote on the first available page,

"Hello. My name is Jake. I saw you out here in this awful weather alone and I didn't to just leave you there after seeing you. We can go sit on the porch out of the rain, if you want. What's your name?"

The girl peered over my shoulder as I wrote, then took the notebook when I offered it to her. "I am Gayuni," she wrote. "I am sorry if this seems rude, but I must decline your offer, as I barely know you. I hope you are not offended."

I took the notebook back. "You certainly are not offending me, Gayuni. I understand your concerns." Keeping her eyes on me, she wrote, "Why didn't you leave me? What made you go out of your way to comfort me? I don't understand why at all."

"Why?" I responded. "I don't know exactly what made me stop, but I somehow had to. Besides that, you looked like you were hurting, and all those that are hurt should be healed."

Gayuni frowned, taking this in. "And what if some don't deserve it? There's no reason to try to help a random girl too far gone."

"No one is ever too far gone. Whatever your situation may be, you do deserve the best of your life. I don't know what's going on for you, but I want you to know that there is light, even if it's far away. It's just a whole lot of rain in your life right now."

At this, she looked away, blinking rapidly.

"I hope you're right. I wish you were right." She paused, trying to formulate the rest of her words. "No one has told me anything like this in such a long time. Your kind words are much appreciated. I was planning to leave tonight, but you showed me that there is still kindness in a dark world. Kindness not in some far-off unachievable place, but right here in my own neighborhood. Thank you for that. I must be going now, or I will regret it."

"Is it far? I can walk you there, if you'd like."

"No, no. Don't worry about it. It's not far, and I'll be fine."

She stood up, squeezing the water out of her thick hair. Giving me a small smile, she went on her way, breaking into a run in the pelting rain.