This ain’t the way to live

I lost him and now I’m lost in these drugs. I took 9 pills today and I’m feeling fine so imma keep taking more till the pain is numb. He was the guy I saw in my dreams at night but, I somehow always found a way to hurt the people I love because of my pain. All the people that I hope to stay, are the ones that fade away. I couldn’t decide on loving you or myself at the moment. I hate how my soul got so attached to yours, I can’t be me without you. I don’t want to feel anymore, so I try to numb the pain with these drugs. I feel like I lost touch of the real me again. I’m drinking until my feelings fade away at this point. Mama then told me”This ain’t the way to live.” But, when you feel what I’m feeling that’s just the way it is. He would lift me up and I held him down. I’m living in a world so fake that I’m so desperate of something real. My anxiety is suffocating me I’m barely breathing. It’s raining outside, and I’m inside hoping the rain just stops because it’s reminding me of the day you said you’re leaving me. I run from my past. That’s just who I am, I’m a coward. Sometimes we numb ourselves hoping it lasts because when the people we love and need at the moment the most are never there.