8

Dear 8,

I use that code name for you as that number has a large significance in our story. It was in the 8th grade when I met you. No, I didn't know what love was then -- I didn't even know liking another girl was possible. I just knew that the two of us were the best of friends, inseparable. Or, so I thought.

But I graduated, and you did not. We went separate ways, and I (much to my resentment now) pushed you away. It was something I did when I cared too much, I would push people away before they had a chance to hurt me. But what I failed to recognize is that you never would have hurt me, and to this day I mentally beat myself for pushing you away to the point of no communication whatsoever.

It went on like that for 3 years, I tried to forget about you and our friendship. Yet, what I never realized was that I hadn't allowed anyone to become close to me in the way that you and I had been. It was like you were a puzzle piece that was missing and I didn't even realize it. Every time I saw you in passing, or in a show, I would duck my head and hide from embarassment and envy. Embarassment that I had been such a horrible friend and ignored you all those years. Envy at people who were now close to you, who had become my replacement. The guilt inside of me built up, but I chose to ignore it.

It wasn't until recently when the guilt disappeared. It was the strangest moment, as the guilt was replaced with longing. Longing to talk to you again, to hug you, to see you. I give the credit to my mom for dragging me to your show. Unbeknownst to me, you were the lead. As I sat in the audience, waiting for the show to start there was not an inkling of a clue on what happened next. As soon as the curtain rose and I saw you on stage, a multitude of emotions bubbled from inside me. Hope, longing, anger, excitement, awe.

Hope that you would accept me again. Longing to talk to you again. Anger that I was no longer a part of your life. Excitement that I had the chance to fix the past. Awe at your raw, unbridled talent. You have a gift. A beautiful, unique, rare, inspiring gift. You can sing like no other, and dance better than anyone I've ever seen. But could I tell you that? No...I thought you would hate me for the way I treated you 3 1/2 years ago.

We waited after the show for my sister, to congratulate her. I cowered behind my parents avoiding you, thinking you'd hate me and walk right past me. So I avoided interaction. But of course you saw me.

You -- you came right up to me and gave me the biggest, warmest hug. I was shocked. Hugging you after 3 1/2 years was the best feeling in the world, there aren't words to describe it. Your hug, and your excitement when you saw me opened my eyes to your one-of-a-kind heart. After years of being ignored and pushed away, you smiled and accepted me instead.

That's when I realized it. Recently, I had come out to my family and friends as bisexual. I hadn't really met anyone who I felt a true connection with, but I knew that I was. It's something you just know. But then you hugged me, and everything fell into place.

It had been you all along. How had I not realized? My missed connections with everyone, my not-so-close friendships, happened because of you. Whether I was aware of it or not, you were the reason I had been so afraid of relationships. Because my subconscious and my heart knew that deep down you would always be the one, the missing puzzle piece. And as cheesy and cliche as it sounds -- that hug that you gave me changed everything.

Things are looking up for us, I hope you agree.

Love,

Alex