your move
until I know for sure
exactly what you think
until i feel secure
that i'm jotted down in ink
there's nothing for me to do
it all depends on you
how you feel
what you need
will my absence heal?
or will you falter and bleed?
it's all up to you
tell me your point of view
it's really unfair
the stupid irony
i know i shouldn't care
that i should let go, finally
my mistake
I was struggling with my emotions. Struggling with the strong feelings I had for you. But I worked so hard to hide them away for so long that it ate me up, consumed me in an extremely unhealthy manner. You had no idea.
If only I hadn't done that. If only I hadn't made the rash decision to tell you everything. Then maybe we would be okay. Maybe you would still talk to me.
If only I hadn't done that. Maybe you wouldn't have cancelled on me today. Maybe you wouldn't have left me in the dark. Maybe you wouldn't have run away scared. Scared of the love that I have for you.
If only I hadn't done that. Hadn't told you that I cared. Hadn't told you that I noticed you seemed so uncomfortable.
If only I hadn't.
just not me, i guess
i know, it’s not that hard to figure out
that something has changed for you
that you don’t have the same excitement, the same emotions
and that there just might be somebody else
it’s not hard to see, the way things have changed so quickly
sure, my heart is broken beyond repair
from winning and losing you within a couple of weeks
there’s so many things i wish i could say
tell you all the feelings i have for you
the way that i see you, how wonderful and beautiful you are
and you have changed how i see the world
you have changed my life but i guess it wasn’t the same for you
you’ve found someone else
and i’m happy for you, honest
but there’s a part of me that wishes you could be mine
that we could laugh together, cuddle together, sing together
i’m so sorry i couldn’t be that for you
but i’m happy he could be
8
Dear 8,
I use that code name for you as that number has a large significance in our story. It was in the 8th grade when I met you. No, I didn't know what love was then -- I didn't even know liking another girl was possible. I just knew that the two of us were the best of friends, inseparable. Or, so I thought.
But I graduated, and you did not. We went separate ways, and I (much to my resentment now) pushed you away. It was something I did when I cared too much, I would push people away before they had a chance to hurt me. But what I failed to recognize is that you never would have hurt me, and to this day I mentally beat myself for pushing you away to the point of no communication whatsoever.
It went on like that for 3 years, I tried to forget about you and our friendship. Yet, what I never realized was that I hadn't allowed anyone to become close to me in the way that you and I had been. It was like you were a puzzle piece that was missing and I didn't even realize it. Every time I saw you in passing, or in a show, I would duck my head and hide from embarassment and envy. Embarassment that I had been such a horrible friend and ignored you all those years. Envy at people who were now close to you, who had become my replacement. The guilt inside of me built up, but I chose to ignore it.
It wasn't until recently when the guilt disappeared. It was the strangest moment, as the guilt was replaced with longing. Longing to talk to you again, to hug you, to see you. I give the credit to my mom for dragging me to your show. Unbeknownst to me, you were the lead. As I sat in the audience, waiting for the show to start there was not an inkling of a clue on what happened next. As soon as the curtain rose and I saw you on stage, a multitude of emotions bubbled from inside me. Hope, longing, anger, excitement, awe.
Hope that you would accept me again. Longing to talk to you again. Anger that I was no longer a part of your life. Excitement that I had the chance to fix the past. Awe at your raw, unbridled talent. You have a gift. A beautiful, unique, rare, inspiring gift. You can sing like no other, and dance better than anyone I've ever seen. But could I tell you that? No...I thought you would hate me for the way I treated you 3 1/2 years ago.
We waited after the show for my sister, to congratulate her. I cowered behind my parents avoiding you, thinking you'd hate me and walk right past me. So I avoided interaction. But of course you saw me.
You -- you came right up to me and gave me the biggest, warmest hug. I was shocked. Hugging you after 3 1/2 years was the best feeling in the world, there aren't words to describe it. Your hug, and your excitement when you saw me opened my eyes to your one-of-a-kind heart. After years of being ignored and pushed away, you smiled and accepted me instead.
That's when I realized it. Recently, I had come out to my family and friends as bisexual. I hadn't really met anyone who I felt a true connection with, but I knew that I was. It's something you just know. But then you hugged me, and everything fell into place.
It had been you all along. How had I not realized? My missed connections with everyone, my not-so-close friendships, happened because of you. Whether I was aware of it or not, you were the reason I had been so afraid of relationships. Because my subconscious and my heart knew that deep down you would always be the one, the missing puzzle piece. And as cheesy and cliche as it sounds -- that hug that you gave me changed everything.
Things are looking up for us, I hope you agree.
Love,
Alex
i fell for the impossible
A kid, a child
Yes, I know
But once you smiled
My heart started to glow
Maybe it’s the messy way
You way you wear your hair
Every single day
Or maybe the way you glare
Making me feel insignificant
I know it’s just your ere
But it makes me feel so innocent
Like I haven’t seen the world
If it wasn’t by your side
The way you twirled
The way you stride
It makes me feel scared
Yet so inspired too
I never was prepared
For how you turn me to goo
I can’t speak
I can’t talk
I feel weak
All I can do is gawk
At your stormy nature
Your beautiful eyes
How you ignore all my behavior
And my silent cries
Is this your norm
Are you aware of it?
The rainstorm
The way you always outwit
Anyone you cross
Crushing them in two
Leaving them at a loss
Leaving them sad and blue
i never forgot
i had so much to tell you
with so little time
you never would have understood
you would've walked away with a sigh
i failed to mention
the twinkle in your eyes
the way they sparkle
when you sass with the guys
i failed to mention
the redness in your cheek
when something embarasses you
it happens at least three times a week
or the way my heart pounds
when your hazel eyes meet mine
penetrating my soul
as if yours and mine had intertwined
i failed to mention
the feelings i have
that i could never show you
you're too far away
unavailable, they say
well, here's what i forgot to say
what i forgot to mention
i'm so so in love with you
and i'll always stay true
sisters before misters
yeah i know
yes of course
it was truly low
plus you said it with force
you knew this was the case
yet i followed blindly
it was his damn pretty face
that made me act kindly
but then you kicked me
punched me in the back
you couldn't just let it be
you went with full on attack
but i've learned my lesson
not to trust the likes of you
for my heart has been broken
by somone i thought i knew
you are my sister
my flesh and blood
you went for my mister
and my heart stopped with a thud
i love that boy
i always will
and you took him with joy
but i love you still
sisters are forever
and if you love him
i'd drop him, whenever
even if it makes me grim
you deserve to be happy
and i know why you did it
i'm sorry for being snappy
i'm just a misfit
this is my lesson
my newest intuition
if i notice you stressin'
you being happy is my mission
sisters are always
boys come and go
it's okay that you broke me
as long as you know
that i'm always beside you
no matter how hard
i'm always your go to
i'll always be on guard
pain of being the “convenience”
(i apologize in advance for the language)
you fucked me over
ripped me to shreds
i have a terrible hangover
the only colors i see are reds
you think this is a game?
some silly joke?
well that was never my aim
look who you broke
good job, truly
you managed to destroy me
and you did it rather cruelly
almost with...glee?
i’m gonna try to move on
it’s going to be hard
because i thought you were the dawn
when really i was just a pawn
a pawn in your rebound
i was your convenience
you used me and i drowned
looks like you were my inconvenience
you wasted my time
you broke my soul
you committed the ultimate crime
because you once made me feel whole
but all those days
that i felt safe with you
you were changing my ways
you were never true
the whole thing was fake
wasn’t it?
you’re just a damn snake
i should’ve left, should’ve quit
well this is my goodbye
my ‘see you never’
aw, i know you won’t cry
i was just your ‘whatever’