I don’t want to claim

How can I tell you a story I hardly remember? Does that make it any less real? Any less painful to think about? Any easier to sleep at night knowing I woke up with a mans hand in a place that I did not consent to. I don’t want to claim anything happened to me if it didn’t but, the knot in my stomach convinced me otherwise. The reoccurring nightmares and the fact that whenever someone so much as touches my hand I wince. The shortness of breath I get when I see your face and remember the coldness in your eyes that next morning. I don’t want to claim anything happened to me if it didn’t but, the fact that you couldn’t look me directly in the eyes convinced me otherwise. That you canceled our plans and said “I just can’t be around women”. That you left without even acknowledging my existence or so much as an I’m sorry. I don’t want to claim something happened if it didn’t but, the hurt is just as real and the flashbacks just as vivid. I was sound asleep so I guess I’ll never truly know, and neither will you.