Please, can’t we work this out. why did you fell for me in the first place?

Maybe it was the way that the sun hit your eyes. Or how your hair fell perfectly on your shoulders. Or how every time you said my name everyone in the room just disappeared and I wasn’t scared anymore. Not of what people thought or who was looking when we held hands or how my teeth would never be white enough for me to smile as big as you made me.

Whatever it was, it was real. There’s no denying that, but whatever it was, it was. And that’s all it’ll ever be. You were good to me until you weren’t. And I’m grateful for the moments that we had, but I can’t just pretend like you didn’t completely and utterly break me. You played me and god damn it you hurt me. It’s not that I don’t love you because sure, I always will.

If you do not see me in cap and gown

Four years from now smiling with fulfillment

Do not be afraid

For the darkness that lingered in my shadow

Slept beside my feet

And spoke faintly while I wept

Has nawed the chains loose

A call for help would be senseless

As death summoned me by name

She held me as if she cared

And transported me away

A tear feel down my face and I said

“I’ve been waiting for this day”

Let me get lost, in some place other than my head.

Let me get lost in someone’s eyes, in a new city filled with new opportunities.

Let me get lost but don’t let me get lost alone.

Silly mind of mine please be silent for just one night.

I know it’ll get better but right now, I don’t want to even live to see daylight.

I am lost in my mind and I’m afraid that this is as good as it’ll get.

The voices in my head tell me I should starve

They tell me only the skinny girls are pretty

Only the skinny girls have meaning

Only the skinny girls can smile

So I try to be a skinny girl

But I am not.

The voices in my head know I will never be a skinny girl

They laugh when I try on tiny tops

They laugh at the rolls poking out the sides

They laugh because they know, that I will never be a skinny girl

Sign One: Lying

YouLieToMeAndEveryoneCouldSeeItButI.

“Did you kiss her?” I asked you innocently with tear stains on my what was once white sweatshirt.

“No.” you lie. Stone cold. No remorse.

And I believe you.

Sign two : Deny

IKnewYouBetrayedMeButILovedYouILoveYou…

I saw you kiss her, with my own eyes.

I saw you hold her hand.

I read those texts where you said I love you first.

But I turned my head and walked away.

And I called that love.

Sign three: the death of my sanity.

WhenISpentMoreTimeInTheBathroomThenInClassIKnewSomethingWasWrong.

Once a week. No, twice a week. No, once a day. No, twice a day.

I sobbed.

My breath became short.

Panic.

Panic and fear.

Tears and tissues.

Blood and blades.

The hurt was there, stemming from the relationship that was only being held onto by my tiny hands.

And I called this, just being a highschooler.

Sign five: Love and flattery.

YouKissedMeAndIThoughtEverythingWasFine.

When you kissed my lips and said “all better” I believed you like a kid would after falling down and getting a kiss from their mother on the booboo.

But this was not a booboo and you were not my mother.

You bought my love with your kind words, delicate touch, and expensive jewels.

And I thought that fixed everything.

Sign 6: You're crazy.

YouKnowWhatTheySayAboutAssuming.

I was crazy to think that everything I heard was true.

I was crazy, me. Not you.

I was blaming you for things I had no proof for.

I was hurting you.

I was pushing YOU away.

And I said sorry.

Sign 7: Everyone else is lying.

WhatDoTheyKnow

That’s what you said to me each time we fought over if you cheated on me or not.

You said they didn't know us, they didn't get us.

But truth is, they did.

More than you ever could.

And I called them jealous.

Sign 8: Confusion

YouLoveMeYouLoveHerYouLoveUs

One day, you kissed me.

The next day, you kiss her.

One day, you talk to me.

The next day, we are strangers.

I am playing tug-o-war and have lost every round.

And that is why I left.

How can I tell you a story I hardly remember? Does that make it any less real? Any less painful to think about? Any easier to sleep at night knowing I woke up with a mans hand in a place that I did not consent to. I don’t want to claim anything happened to me if it didn’t but, the knot in my stomach convinced me otherwise. The reoccurring nightmares and the fact that whenever someone so much as touches my hand I wince. The shortness of breath I get when I see your face and remember the coldness in your eyes that next morning. I don’t want to claim anything happened to me if it didn’t but, the fact that you couldn’t look me directly in the eyes convinced me otherwise. That you canceled our plans and said “I just can’t be around women”. That you left without even acknowledging my existence or so much as an I’m sorry. I don’t want to claim something happened if it didn’t but, the hurt is just as real and the flashbacks just as vivid. I was sound asleep so I guess I’ll never truly know, and neither will you.

Sometimes I feel like I’m too sad to be loved

Broken beyond repair

You can’t fix me and you shouldn’t try

For each peace of my damaged heart cuts like a knife.

It’s not that I don’t want to love

It’s that I am in fact incapable of being loved

Perhaps it was mere luck that we crossed paths

We just happened to be in the right place at the right time

But the ache in my heart leads me to believe that you and I were destined to be

I don’t believe in astrology and I hardly believe in god

But I believe that my heart was always meant to cross paths with yours