BPD.
Were two months away from another year being over, another year where mental health still isn’t a priority on the news or within the NHS Services, and unfortunately not with all our family members and friends. I’ve been working on something for a while, and I just want some of you to see that along with depression, anxiety etc there is SUCH a horrible stigma around people who suffer with Borderline Personality Disorder. I live with BPD, I am fighting my emotions, I am often perceived as psychotic, and just being ‘crazy’ but I am still human. I am surviving my mental illness.
•BPD•
* I'll make you feel you're the best person that ever walked the planet
* I'll blow you away with my abilities that make you feel special
* I'll know how you're feeling even before you've worked it out yourself
* I'll want to take care of you
* I'll listen to you, support you, encourage you
But.. (because I'm a quiet borderline) you won't be aware of what's going on inside.
I'll be tormented by the fear of you leaving me, a fear so overwhelming I'll be making plans to alleviate it (avoiding being with you / lining up other options).
I think in black and white…. You're good or you're bad, you're crazy about me or you hate me, you think my ideas are brilliant or you think I'm a total dumbass. And my default mode is always worst case scenario so you have to work very hard at showing otherwise.
I guess thats it. That's kind of common to all us borderlines, by and large.
Beyond that behaviours differ between us quiet ones and the classic acting-out ones.
I'm sure you'll get lots of feedback as to how toxic borderlines are.
But never forget, were people first and foremost, people who were treated appallingly in our formative years.
I’m a classic borderline. And what an awesome person I am. But what a challenge it is to be in a relationship with me or maintain friendship with me.
I don’t know who’s strong enough to cope.
But don’t bear no ill will towards me, just to the people who left me so damaged.
People with BPD often seem to be extrovert with their troubles, which may reflect as ‘attention seeking’ behaviour; I self-harm, I have attempted suicide, I suffer intense feelings and emotions, I am manic or depressed, I cannot compute emotional frustration and I feel like no one loves, likes, understands or cares for me. I’ve been labelled as ‘over dramatic, too sensitive and a nightmare’ and it is a common mistake that I act out when I don’t get my own way, but it is far more complicated than that. I am describing symptoms of BPD, not premeditated behaviour or choice.
My irregular mind-set and behaviour may appear to be ‘exhibitionist’, it is a common misconception that we want to push people away and hurt the ones that we love, when in fact we are hurting, we feel alone and pushed away. We may seem ‘selfish, desperate, controlling, manipulative and purposefully holding people ransom’, but it is the opposite - we struggle to maintain any control and stability when extremely unwell. All we really want is love and acceptance, but all things considered, this may be hard for you to give.
I appreciate how frustrating and confusing it must be to keep up with someone with BPD, as we contend with psychological splitting every single day. If you remain close, it will of course have an impact on you and it can be unbearable for everyone. You are entitled to feel hurt, although it may not be the best idea to express this to the unwell but in order for your processing, communication is key. You must release the stress that you feel has been bestowed upon you, in order to maintain your own mental wellbeing. Our actions can be testing and no doubt confusing. You may wonder what happened to the person that you once loved. That person is sick. BPD is not contagious but the symptoms and our inability to regulate emotions can be crippling.
Please don’t leave. I just need reassurance, I need support. I can’t do this on my own.