It’s been two years since i’ve written.. but how do you write when you have no idea what to say?

People think i’m so thoughtless but really my minds full of wonder and it often drifts away.

5 years of a painful and unpredictable relationship,

Moved out into my own place.

I miss some people and their friendship & 4 months ago our family was blessed with a new face.

I spent this year thinking what will I become hoping next year I won’t be anymore undone.

I have one true friend left, and am like an Auntie to her son.. I sometimes miss the others, but I need to remember that I have won.

This year started blank.

But i’m blank.

How can I write, and explain how I feel, when I don’t know how to come up with the words.

I miss my best friend, that has decided another friendship, is more important than mine,

My other best friend, she’s lost, the real her is lost in alcohol, her new man and an anxiety that I feel, I can’t help her, because my anxieties, are taking over me.

My fiancé, I lie next to, I love you, but sometimes we get so upside down, I don’t know which way is right and were in a fight that only we both can solve, we’re just struggling to see how the pieces fit.

I need a hit, I take one, maryjane, you keep me sane, but my mum, she doesn’t like how reliant i’ve become.

We started this year on a blank page, but the ink seems to have stained through from 19’.

I’m still lost, i’m stuck inbetween who I used to be and who i’ll be tomorrow, if I wake up.

And that is never promised, but what’s scary is, i’m not scared, because if this was to come to an end, i’m afraid that’s when i’ll feel peace,

And that’s when i’ll see all of you, staring at the first blank page.

Were two months away from another year being over, another year where mental health still isn’t a priority on the news or within the NHS Services, and unfortunately not with all our family members and friends. I’ve been working on something for a while, and I just want some of you to see that along with depression, anxiety etc there is SUCH a horrible stigma around people who suffer with Borderline Personality Disorder. I live with BPD, I am fighting my emotions, I am often perceived as psychotic, and just being ‘crazy’ but I am still human. I am surviving my mental illness.

•BPD•

* I'll make you feel you're the best person that ever walked the planet

* I'll blow you away with my abilities that make you feel special

* I'll know how you're feeling even before you've worked it out yourself

* I'll want to take care of you

* I'll listen to you, support you, encourage you

But.. (because I'm a quiet borderline) you won't be aware of what's going on inside.

I'll be tormented by the fear of you leaving me, a fear so overwhelming I'll be making plans to alleviate it (avoiding being with you / lining up other options).

I think in black and white…. You're good or you're bad, you're crazy about me or you hate me, you think my ideas are brilliant or you think I'm a total dumbass. And my default mode is always worst case scenario so you have to work very hard at showing otherwise.

I guess thats it. That's kind of common to all us borderlines, by and large.

Beyond that behaviours differ between us quiet ones and the classic acting-out ones.

I'm sure you'll get lots of feedback as to how toxic borderlines are.

But never forget, were people first and foremost, people who were treated appallingly in our formative years.

I’m a classic borderline. And what an awesome person I am. But what a challenge it is to be in a relationship with me or maintain friendship with me.

I don’t know who’s strong enough to cope.

But don’t bear no ill will towards me, just to the people who left me so damaged.

People with BPD often seem to be extrovert with their troubles, which may reflect as ‘attention seeking’ behaviour; I self-harm, I have attempted suicide, I suffer intense feelings and emotions, I am manic or depressed, I cannot compute emotional frustration and I feel like no one loves, likes, understands or cares for me. I’ve been labelled as ‘over dramatic, too sensitive and a nightmare’ and it is a common mistake that I act out when I don’t get my own way, but it is far more complicated than that. I am describing symptoms of BPD, not premeditated behaviour or choice.

My irregular mind-set and behaviour may appear to be ‘exhibitionist’, it is a common misconception that we want to push people away and hurt the ones that we love, when in fact we are hurting, we feel alone and pushed away. We may seem ‘selfish, desperate, controlling, manipulative and purposefully holding people ransom’, but it is the opposite - we struggle to maintain any control and stability when extremely unwell. All we really want is love and acceptance, but all things considered, this may be hard for you to give.

I appreciate how frustrating and confusing it must be to keep up with someone with BPD, as we contend with psychological splitting every single day. If you remain close, it will of course have an impact on you and it can be unbearable for everyone. You are entitled to feel hurt, although it may not be the best idea to express this to the unwell but in order for your processing, communication is key. You must release the stress that you feel has been bestowed upon you, in order to maintain your own mental wellbeing. Our actions can be testing and no doubt confusing. You may wonder what happened to the person that you once loved. That person is sick. BPD is not contagious but the symptoms and our inability to regulate emotions can be crippling.

Please don’t leave. I just need reassurance, I need support. I can’t do this on my own.

Something old,

Something new,

Not really sure but there’s something about you.

You bring light to my life,

Never make me think twice,

Whenever you have something to say, it’s always nice.

Our relationship before, was distant and dark,

But now when we look at each other all I see are sparks,

You make me feel at home, with you I’m not alone, without you I’m lost, like a dog without a bone.

When it comes to spending time, there arent enough days in the week,

One caress from you and I can barely speak.

I was asked what my favourite thing was about you, and I couldn’t answer that question,

See for with you it’s hard to pick, because your on a whole different dimension.

i finally let you go.

Completely, never to return, how is that so?

a new romance in January,

February you were my valentine,

Non stop flirtatious messages in March,

April, I was finally able to say you were mine..

The first and last of your love shrivelled up in May,

June, our Summer was tense and dull

Come July, there was not much left to say..

August, we stayed friends with all those benefits,

September I took you for a weekend getaway,

Alast October the only thing frightening was how youd turned so venomous..

Now the seasons are to change again come the end of November,

As our love story unveils, I start to remember,

I am worth so much more and deserve a passionate kind of love,

Maybe my new man wont leave me as cold this December.

Sweatpants and sweet kisses or baggy jeans and sparks that fly?

High, and a little bit shy, sometimes when I’m him I feel i‘m living a lie.

Banter filled and drinks are spilled. It’s amazing to see how i‘m so strong willed. His presence alone, destroys the walls, you took so long to build.

Risk. Comfort. RISK!.... COMFORT!

It plays on my mind all the time,

Different people, they both look so fine..

I’d explain the rest of what’s on my mind,

But first I got to find some shit that rhymes

fuck it.

Getting on with life as a chef,

He's that cocky kind of chap,

He likes drinking on holy Sundays

And skateboarding through the week.

He likes to observe other women,

But when he starts to daydream

His mind turns straight to the whiskey.

He loves a gaming night on Xbox,

Celebrates things with the odd cigar,

Cannot live without a doughnut,

Your mother will fall for his charm.

He's old school and likes the cinema,

When his hair is long it's slicked back with gel,

Hyper when he has induced a lot of coffee,

But beware, at times he'll leave a smell!

His family are close,

He lives with 4 cats,

That boy is well protected

At times he'll need reminded of that.

His hungry eyes are hard to resist,

Your toes will be curled, your hands made into fists,

He'll leave you feeling helpless,

You'll do anything for just one more kiss.

Slowly emerging from my mothers car, i'm here, today's the day.

My anxiety tells me to get back in, were I am safe, mother and brother present, to make sure i'm okay.

I cannot remember the last time I had so many emotions inside my head,

I'm trying to get clear of the thought that yells 'go back to bed!'

The hustle and bustle makes me fret,

I grapple inside my pocket, and pull out a cigarette.

I lean on the wall and watch the people pass me by,

An empowering stream of thoughts, makes me want to cry.

Mental disorders all flared up, I feel this is the worst i've ever had,

Negative thoughts aside... can it all be that bad?

I gather myself up, i'll take it all in my stride,

My head held high, I start to make my way inside.

I walk in, and am suddenly surrounded by judgmental looks and the smell of old books.

My first lecturer is funny and happy which puts us all at ease,

But personally speaking, his good looks and his whole demenaour, would bring you to your knees.

I made friends today! Which is not something I can often say,

We even stood and spoke a little bit more, at the end of the day.

Time flies, when your having fun,

But still have to admit that I was happy to see my mum.

Here we go again.

Another fight, our third one in what three weeks?

I’m sorry if I’m too much for you to handle.

I’m sorry if my mental state scares you.

I’m sorry if my scars make me look less beautiful.

Wait, why am I sorry?

You’re the one who can’t be there for me when I really need you. And that’s rich considering you said I always had you.

I listen, I’m invested, I’m there, I’m here. I need, I want, I LOVE YOU.

But, I’m done, because even after all that, it’s not worth it if I’m constantly walking on hot coals to make sure your okay, and when I’m not okay, I’m falling to the ground because your too lazy to catch me.

Been staring at this blank page.

I can’t feel a thing yet am feeling everything at the same time.

My heart just literally broke into a million pieces in less than two seconds, and I felt it, all of it.

I forgot what it was like to really cry I haven’t done in months, but now I remember.

Trying to catch my breath now.

...

....

My eyes burn as if my tears were acid.

My head cannot process this.

...

I‘ve smoked 4 cigarettes now, in the space of ten minutes.

...

I uh, don’t have any more words.

....

shit.