Protocol 10032001

Well, here I was once again. It had been one wreck of a night, that much I knew. It wasn’t that I wondered if I was alive or not, because the thing was that I had this intuitional feeling that I didn’t really think that I was going to die. Though upon reflecting a little and gathering my thoughts, I began to realize…holy man! What a night! My God! Oh my God…I am alive!

As I looked around in what seemed to be a private, sterile room, I noticed a nurse walking by in the hallway outside. I tried to have her see me, I looked right at her, and I knew she saw me, but she walked on by.

Off and on my mind kept replaying the night before. I could see clearly only the parts that I was conscience for, and I sure do remember trying to put out the fire. The heat was out of control and raging within me. The fire was in my throat, my stomach, my oesophagus. It ran through my lymphatic system and back through my heart and veins. All I wanted in that late afternoon – early evening was to put out the fire…the forever burning blaze.

My visions were of water, lakes, streams, and the ocean. Way back somewhere in my mind and trying to get out though, was the feeling that I was going to drown myself. In delirium, struggle and greater confusion, I kept on drinking water. The special thing about this whole episode is that this was my third night of living after receiving a kidney. Yes, a gift of life from my good father. It was a live donor kidney transplant that had taken place…and taken place in me.

As the day mounted, early evening came about. I had so many things on my mind. Certainly the main thing was of just getting out of there. Between buzzers constantly going off for nurses; machines making noises because of medications running out; hearing other patients in pain, or coughing so bad; all of the assorted smells (some of which I am sure were noxious), I had to leave…and soon. And of course, the burning desire for me to alleviate my pain, the fire within me. All that was on my mind was that somehow I had to get out, but for now…drink!

As I continued on this course of thought, the evening had turned into night. I just wanted to fall asleep, wake in the morning, and I’d then be in my fourth day and closer to getting out. Well, sleep I tried, or maybe it tried me. I could not though. I had to drink a little more, and more. Looming feelings of what I began to think of as doom began to really nag at me. I was now thinking, “Oh boy, am I going further, staying exactly as is, or am I going to die…like not make it?”

The heat was so immense, I felt like I was an inferno. At some point I remember feeling like I just might combust. I had to laugh to myself though, “Combust! There is no way. I’m way too wet now.” I sure felt death though, and this time it felt really solid.

It was now somewhere around 11:00 at night and my mind was tossed with wondering how I was going to pull this off, and if I could only get through this night that the next day would be a little better.

Suddenly, within minutes I felt my heartbeat take off! I felt complete separation from within myself and the only sense I had was of urgency. I, my physical self could not move. I, my soulful self could only look on, and yet I knew I had not a chance unless someone was to see me.

I turned my head and looked out the doorway of my room. Just as I looked, I saw a male nurse walk by. I knew this was my only chance. I mustered every inch of strength that I had, threw my left hand out to the bedrail and began to hoist myself up to grab the other bedrail with my other hand. I sat up to yell, “HEY! FUCKER!” Then I collapsed back to the bed.

I woke up to this male nurse smacking my face and yelling at me, “Wake! Wake up! Wake up! Wake the FUCK up!” I looked up at him, stunned, my heart racing, and then again, I went out.

“Wake up!” he’s yelling, shaking me and slapping my face. “Here”, he says. “Chew these”, as he handed me aspirins. I chewed what I could, but all I could realize was that those aspirins became chalk-like and they started to dry my mouth out. Once again I felt myself fading away, and then I was out.

I woke one more time after a few minutes of being somewhere else completely. This time there may have been twenty or twenty-five people standing by. A resident doctor was nearing me. He told me my heart rate was upwards of 200 beats per minute and it was time to shut my heart down and restart it with a more normal rhythm. For me at this time, who was I to argue.

The next thing I hear is, “We can’t do this! This is not protocol! This is not protocol! We have to move him to ICU!” Then this doctor, the one who is about to help me, yells back, “We have no more time! He’s not going to make it!” The other voice yells out, “Not here! This is not protocol!” Then the resident doctor yells, “He will die in two minutes! I will not conform to protocol here! No way!”

The doctor turned to me and calmly and confidently told me everything was going to be okay. He then said that they were going to restart my heart with a better rhythm. As he placed the conductor cloths on my chest, he said, “These are going to be a little cool. We’re putting a little medicine in your line. You’re going to be out for a while. See you.”

Oh, the nurse just walked by again and this time I said, “Hey you”. She peeked in and said, “Oh hey, how are you feeling?” I told her okay, I wanted out of there, but I also wanted to know how long I had been there. She said to me, “You’ve been down here for twelve hours. You’ve had quite a good sleep and you’re not getting up till someone sees you. As for getting out of here? Well, I think that will take some time yet, Kevin”.

All that was on my mind was that I had to get out.

Kozz @ November 13, 2019