I’m black ’n blue, battered, and love like you.

I am just under 6 feet, unlike, or like you

I’ve been beaten, I’ve been denied

I see your being, and look not in your eye’s

I’m back ’n view, tattered, and love like you

I am just under 6 feet tall standing just like you

I’ve been beaten, I’ve taken the steps

I see your soul, I see through your eye’s

Once roamed, and fairly free, now walking is a distant memory

Getting out on my own, far away from this place, I see nothing

Cant stand, not this anymore, I always relied on both legs in place

I’ve battled, I’ve hit it hard, I’ve had to retreat, and I’ve been defeated...

De-feeted I am, though I cant sit, and must stand tall to walk and all

Gotta do the work, the therapy, as it is my chance to shine

I was defeated, and de-feeted, I was, but I’m still here, gonna stand tall again

I’m black ’n blue, battered, and love like you.

I am just under 6 feet, unlike you

I’ve been beaten, I’ve been denied

I see your being, and look not in your eye’s

I’m back ’n view tattered, and love like you

I am 6 feet tall standing just like you

I’ve been beaten, I’ve taken the steps

I see your soul, and I see you through your eye’s

Once roamed, and fairly free, now walking is not just a memory

Getting out on my own, far way from this place, I was seeing nothing

Gonna stand at this some more, I always relied on both legs to hold me

I’ve battled , I’ve hit it hard, I’ve had to retreat, and I was defeated...

De-feeted I am, though I cant sit and must stand tall to walk and all

Gotta do the work, the therapy as it is my chance to shine

I was defeated, and de-feeted, I was, but I’m still here, with my two feet I stand

I’m black ’n blue, battered, and love like you.

I am just under 6 feet, unlike, and like you

I’ve been beaten, I’ve been denied

I see your being, and look in your eye’s

I’m back ’n view tattered, and love like you

I am 6 feet tall standing just like you

I’ve been beaten, I’ve taken the steps

I see your soul, and I see you and in thru your eye’s

Once roamed, and fairly free, now walking is not just a memory

Getting out on my own, far away from this place, I now see ability’s

Gonna stand at this some more, I like it with both legs in place

I’ve battled , I’ve hit it hard, I am back in motion, even though de-feeted…

Defeated I am though cant sit and must stand tall to walk and all

I’ve done the work, the therapy, it’s me, I shine

I was defeated, and de-feeted I was, but I’m still here, and I walk again

With my two feet on the ground, I stand again, walk again, with my two feet on the ground.

kozz

Mad... madness. Madness, madness, madness. Out of everything, anything, nothing

Mad... madness. Madness, madness, madness, Now, today, later, and by tomorrow.

I’m mad, your mad, all’s mad, everything else has it too. Madness me, madness you.

I've been, you’ve been jacked by madness, in your waking days & your sleepless nights

Mad... madness. Madness, madness, madness. Out of anything, creating from nothing

Mad... madness. Madness, madness, madness. Without now, no today, later, tomorrow.

I’m mad, your mad, all’s mad, anything else will have it too. Madness me, madness you.

I've been, you’ve been jacked by madness in your waking days & you’re dreaming nights

Addiction, attraction, atypical atrophic, chemical reaction. It’s all out of Madness

Subdued, taken by the snake, one listen, one thought, has you shaken, to rake in the madness,

At last, stop the madness, commodore the madness, blind and handcuff the madness

Mad... madness. Madness, madness, madness. Out of everything, gain the madness

Mad... madness. Madness, madness, madness, Now, today, later, and by tomorrow.

Your mad, I’m mad, all’s mad, everything else can get it too. Madness me, madness you.

I've been, you’ve been jacked by madness, controls your days & your dark, dark nights

Mad... madness. Madness, madness, madness. Out of anything, craziness from nothing

Mad... madness. Madness, madness, madness. Without now, no today, later, tomorrow.

I’m mad, your mad, all’s mad, anything else has it too. Madness me, madness you.

I've been, you’ve been jacked by madness, controls your mind & your thoughts in the wee hours of your nights.

Anything, everything, what goes around comes around, its madness, back again in madness

Dumbed out, taken a bite, one good taste has you biting more than one bite of madness

At last, stop the madness, commodore the madness, blind and handcuff the madness

Madness, madness, madness me, madness you!

It was upon my very first sight of her that had captivated my full attention. Her eyes, those eyes of her beauty cast a spell deep into my soul. I just could not get them out of my mind.

My wondering thoughts had the best of me. Her eyes were beyond hazel. They were electric. These windows were glistening with a variety of blue, green, and brown.

Captivated I was. You know how at times, a persons eyes can tell you so much of who they are. Though, with out a dobut, I had to know more.

Her laugh also matched her beauty. But it was her eyes that were shining those brilliant blue’s, green’s, and brown’s. I could not help, but to gaze into them.

I soon realized that she knew that I was captivated. The next thing I knew, she said to me, “Hi, my name is Hazel, I love your green eyes. What’s your name?”

I stumbled upon my tung, and replied, “Call me captivated, I mean spell struck, I mean, damn your beautiful, I love your eyes too!”

We spent the next few hours getting to know each other. The funny thing too. Is that her name was actually Hazel.

#dominospice

It was somewhere around the end of May, and it had been getting quite nice out. No rains, and the temperature had been fair. It was Saturday, and Sunday was a day off. I came back to the camp at around 6 PM. I just picked up a large chunk of hash from one of the guys in town. It was the first time that I had that amount of cannabis. I was cooking noodles as well, I roasted some hot dogs on a big open fire as I had many times before. After smoking a couple hash spliffs and drinking a beer, it was time to clean up. Then I noticed red pick up truck with a canopy on it moving slowly through the camp area. Right off the bat my senses felt a little off. I didn't know at that time, but somehow I knew that this truck, and the people in it were bad news.

Out of all places for these people to stop, they stopped right next to my camp. One by one they filed out. I first saw this short stocky guy who looked to be balding. Then this tall skinny guy, who looked a lot like Lenny from that show in the 70’s, Laverne and Shirley. I had to laugh a little to my self, think, what the hell, Lenny and Squiggy. The last guy to come out, was a big guy. This dude was huge. I think he was about six foot six, thick and moved with purpose. I couldn’t see him too well, but he looked to have a certain amount of scars over his face. He just looked tough, like a well ridden bull, that not a cowboy was able to stay on.

The three of them went at it fairly quickly. They kind of argued, and squabbled as they're setting up their tent. They were all drinking beer, and I noticed the tall skinny guy drinking quite a bit more. But it was that short guy who gave me a bad feeling. He kept on looking my way. He was sort of like grunting, making weird snorting sounds. And then I would hear it, “Woof, woof”, and again “woof, woof”. And the big guy was looking at me, and then he would glance at the short guy. Next thing I knew, the short guy was walking in between our two camps and doing this, woof, woof sort of thing. The skinny guy was drunk and kept on drinking. I had been around enough to know this guy would be out sooner than later. And I was only hoping that the short guy would drink as much and pass out along side with him. The big guy even now looked meaner and way tougher. Though he didn't seem to bother me.

Then it all began, the short guy started to circle my camp spot. He began woofing and woofing. “Woof, Woof, Woof” he kept it up. Next thing I knew is that he started to walk towards me. I noticed the the large guy was keeping an eye on him, and on me as well. I don’t know why, but for some reason his watching me made me feel a little safe. Then, this crazed stalky guy came right up to me, and woofed straight in my face. At that point, I got scared. I didn't really know what it meant, but I knew I was in some sort of danger. Then, the big guy yells over at me. “Hey come on over here, come and sit with us”. Now talk about apprehensive, fight flight, or say scared shitless, I was!

What I had; I had my knife in my pocket, and a good size chunk of hash, a pack of rolling papers, my cigarettes and a lighter. I thought to myself, if I pulled the knife I was dead. And if they smoked pot, I may have a chance. I squeamishly walked into their camp. The little stalky guy never stopped, he kept it up. “Woof, woof, woof, snort, grunt, snort woof, woof”. Man, I was in trouble. All I knew, was to be as cool as possible, to now try to talk my way out of and through this. The big guy says to me, “Sit, sit right here beside me”. The first thing he says me, “What are ya” ? I said, “A little nervous” he says, “ah, don’t be”. “What are ya” he says again. Then I clicked in, “Oh, I'm a Swede” “That’s what I thought” he says. “We all have it, we'll have that nose, all of us Swedes”. Then he says, “You don't worry about anything, your one of mine, brother. I'll protect you tonight” He says. “Hey, doYou know why he's barking at you”? I of course say, “No”. He says, “He wants you, what I mean, he wants you, but I am not going to let him”. “You're one of mine”. All that was in my mind was that I had to get out of this, and I had better start working on it. I asked him, “Do you guys smoke”. He says, “Yeah, we all do”. And then I say, “I mean do you smoke cannabis?” He liked that, and then says, “Do you have a joint?” I told him to give me a minute and I’d roll one up. And I did, and I never stoped, I kept on rolling.

The little guy didn't stop his barking at me, and kept on getting right in my face. Then the big guy stood up next to me, just as the little stalky guy barked one more time. The next thing I knew, was this big dude gave this little stalky guy the hardest uppercut that I’d ever seen. He smoked him right between the eyes. That little stalky dude flew backwards, and hit the ground hard. It was like he was hit by a bomb, and out he was. The big dude looks at me, and says, “You're my brother, and I'm taking care you tonight”. Relief, you bet, but now I wondered, what did I owe this guy?

I looked over by their tent to see the tall skinny dude passed out cold. And just like that there was just this big dude, and I. Two brothers by heritage. If that what it takes to stay safe, then I had no choice but to go with it. He notice the sweater I was wearing. It was my fathers, one that I liked a lot. It was very big on me, but I could wear another or two underneath it. He says to me, “I like that print, its Norwegian, I can recognize it anywhere. Can I have that sweater?” I immediately pulled it off and handed it to him. I said to him, “It’s my pleasure, you're my friend, my brother and of course you can have my fathers sweater”. I then felt the immediate danger I was in, in the first place had now lessened a great deal.

We stayed up for a while. We smoked more, and he drank more. And then he began to tell me what they've been up too. He says, “Hey man, who do you think we are? Were escaped convicts. See all the stuff, see, it's all brand-new isn't it? I took a good look around, and yeah every thing was new looking. Then I was to hear his statement, “We stole some credit cards, and got a hold of a Canadian tire card. See that truck, we stoled it too”. It won't be long” he says. “The feds will be here. They are good at tracking cons. It's a game, and we have all played it before”. He then says to me, “I'm tired, and I'm going to go to sleep now and you should too. You wait, it won't be long”. He tells me. “Go to your tent, go get some sleep, this will be over soon”.

I did, I went back to my tent got on my knees and held my knife in front of me. I dosed off and on, not ever completely falling asleep. Just before dawn, I could hear a lot of sounds off to the distance. I had been in that campground for a while, and that was first time it’s been noisy in the morning. Then I could hear what was sounding like a chopper. I thought to my self, gee is this big Swede correct, are the Feds closing in. And I could hear more sounds. I could hear what sounded like fast-moving vehicles off on the highway that was near by. I was only begging and wishing it to be the cops.

It was now Dawn. I peeped my head out of the tent. The tall skinny dude was still out cold laying by his tent. Squiggy was still out of it too. I never saw the big guy, he must've been sleeping. I crawled out, looked up in the sky to see two choppers flying overhead. I then looked out in the field that was adjacent to the highway about a half a kilometre away. I had never seen a site like this, I'm not sure how many vehicles there were, but at least four. They were all coming straight towards our Camp. And then I heard the big guys voice in my head saying; “The feds will be here, they’re good at tracking con’s.” And man he was correct. In no time there were Feds all over the place. The four vehicles came off the field and others came on the road.

A few of them ran out of their vehicles with their guns drawn yelling the names of these cons out loud. As well they were yelling out that they were the RCMP and that they had warrants for their arrest’s. They quickly apprehended the two on the ground. They yelled and yelled “Come out, with your hands up. Show us your hands.”Then I saw the big guy crawl out of his tent. Straight away two feds were on him. They took to the ground, cuffed him and then propped him up. Each one of the three were put into different vehicles. It wasn’t long till those three were taken away.

When this all went down, I was actually cuffed and put in a cop suburban. Then, two feds started to question me. The first question I was asked, was what was my business in that campground. I of course told them so. And then I was asked if I knew any these convicts before this previous night. I of course told them that I did not. At first I felt that there was this off-chance that I would not be believed. But then after a little time, it all sorted out, and they took the cuffs off. It was almost as fast as they showed up, they had all of the cons, and they’re gear gathered. Two cops stuck around for a tiny bit to make sure that I was okay. And that was it, they all drove off, and with that red pickup truck as well.

I sat there in a state of awe, I tried to gather my thoughts, but there were just so many. And how unbelievable of the story would this be. And then I thought to myself I should've stayed living at the YWCA.

The incident was very strange. The weirdest thing about this night, is that it only happened to me. No body knew anything about this. I told the guys I worked with, and of course who I worked for but yet, it all was so surreal. I continued living at the Tunnel Mountain campground for a while. Blue told me that he would look harder for a place in town for me. The guys at work had a good laugh from time to time. Every once in a while someone would walk by me, muttering, “Woof, woof” and snorting and grunting. We would all laugh. What else can you do, but see it with humour.

Kozz @ November 13, 2019

Well, here I was once again. It had been one wreck of a night, that much I knew. It wasn’t that I wondered if I was alive or not, because the thing was that I had this intuitional feeling that I didn’t really think that I was going to die. Though upon reflecting a little and gathering my thoughts, I began to realize…holy man! What a night! My God! Oh my God…I am alive!

As I looked around in what seemed to be a private, sterile room, I noticed a nurse walking by in the hallway outside. I tried to have her see me, I looked right at her, and I knew she saw me, but she walked on by.

Off and on my mind kept replaying the night before. I could see clearly only the parts that I was conscience for, and I sure do remember trying to put out the fire. The heat was out of control and raging within me. The fire was in my throat, my stomach, my oesophagus. It ran through my lymphatic system and back through my heart and veins. All I wanted in that late afternoon – early evening was to put out the fire…the forever burning blaze.

My visions were of water, lakes, streams, and the ocean. Way back somewhere in my mind and trying to get out though, was the feeling that I was going to drown myself. In delirium, struggle and greater confusion, I kept on drinking water. The special thing about this whole episode is that this was my third night of living after receiving a kidney. Yes, a gift of life from my good father. It was a live donor kidney transplant that had taken place…and taken place in me.

As the day mounted, early evening came about. I had so many things on my mind. Certainly the main thing was of just getting out of there. Between buzzers constantly going off for nurses; machines making noises because of medications running out; hearing other patients in pain, or coughing so bad; all of the assorted smells (some of which I am sure were noxious), I had to leave…and soon. And of course, the burning desire for me to alleviate my pain, the fire within me. All that was on my mind was that somehow I had to get out, but for now…drink!

As I continued on this course of thought, the evening had turned into night. I just wanted to fall asleep, wake in the morning, and I’d then be in my fourth day and closer to getting out. Well, sleep I tried, or maybe it tried me. I could not though. I had to drink a little more, and more. Looming feelings of what I began to think of as doom began to really nag at me. I was now thinking, “Oh boy, am I going further, staying exactly as is, or am I going to die…like not make it?”

The heat was so immense, I felt like I was an inferno. At some point I remember feeling like I just might combust. I had to laugh to myself though, “Combust! There is no way. I’m way too wet now.” I sure felt death though, and this time it felt really solid.

It was now somewhere around 11:00 at night and my mind was tossed with wondering how I was going to pull this off, and if I could only get through this night that the next day would be a little better.

Suddenly, within minutes I felt my heartbeat take off! I felt complete separation from within myself and the only sense I had was of urgency. I, my physical self could not move. I, my soulful self could only look on, and yet I knew I had not a chance unless someone was to see me.

I turned my head and looked out the doorway of my room. Just as I looked, I saw a male nurse walk by. I knew this was my only chance. I mustered every inch of strength that I had, threw my left hand out to the bedrail and began to hoist myself up to grab the other bedrail with my other hand. I sat up to yell, “HEY! FUCKER!” Then I collapsed back to the bed.

I woke up to this male nurse smacking my face and yelling at me, “Wake! Wake up! Wake up! Wake the FUCK up!” I looked up at him, stunned, my heart racing, and then again, I went out.

“Wake up!” he’s yelling, shaking me and slapping my face. “Here”, he says. “Chew these”, as he handed me aspirins. I chewed what I could, but all I could realize was that those aspirins became chalk-like and they started to dry my mouth out. Once again I felt myself fading away, and then I was out.

I woke one more time after a few minutes of being somewhere else completely. This time there may have been twenty or twenty-five people standing by. A resident doctor was nearing me. He told me my heart rate was upwards of 200 beats per minute and it was time to shut my heart down and restart it with a more normal rhythm. For me at this time, who was I to argue.

The next thing I hear is, “We can’t do this! This is not protocol! This is not protocol! We have to move him to ICU!” Then this doctor, the one who is about to help me, yells back, “We have no more time! He’s not going to make it!” The other voice yells out, “Not here! This is not protocol!” Then the resident doctor yells, “He will die in two minutes! I will not conform to protocol here! No way!”

The doctor turned to me and calmly and confidently told me everything was going to be okay. He then said that they were going to restart my heart with a better rhythm. As he placed the conductor cloths on my chest, he said, “These are going to be a little cool. We’re putting a little medicine in your line. You’re going to be out for a while. See you.”

Oh, the nurse just walked by again and this time I said, “Hey you”. She peeked in and said, “Oh hey, how are you feeling?” I told her okay, I wanted out of there, but I also wanted to know how long I had been there. She said to me, “You’ve been down here for twelve hours. You’ve had quite a good sleep and you’re not getting up till someone sees you. As for getting out of here? Well, I think that will take some time yet, Kevin”.

All that was on my mind was that I had to get out.

Kozz @ November 13, 2019

It was the middle of February 1978. The weather was a little unusual this winter as it was not as cold as the previous winters that I had encountered in my young age. Like usual it was a sunny month, as it is for most months in southern Alberta, but this winter month the air had a grey tinge to it. The wind blew like always, but even it had some other indescribable feeling to it.

As a twelve year old boy, and like many, I too loved hockey, skating, sledding, and just messing around in the winters. Besides playing I always enjoyed helping and working around the house with my father. He always had some project on the go, if not many at once. This month my father was making two new bedrooms in the basement. We needed them as it was two of us kids to each one of the three bedrooms upstairs. These rooms in the basement were being made for my two older brothers, Duane and Perry. I was fairly excited because I would now get my own room upstairs. Brian, the third oldest would now get his own, and my two younger sisters Cindy and Leanne would still be sharing theirs.

The basement was mostly storage and also housed the old rickety ancient furnace. This furnace was huge, loud, and made so many clunky sounds it needed to go, and there was a plan for it too. The basement was in rough shape. It was still much like it was when the house was built in 1901. It was all concrete with long high shelves of the same that ran around and out to the foundation. They were dirty, full of eighty years of dust, spider webs, some dead rodents way off to the back side and who knows what else. I don’t think they were ever cleaned off completely.

In the previous year my father, and of course with the help of us six kids, had dug out a portion of the concrete floor to add more head space. My father did most of the digging and the busting apart of the concrete floor. It was the six of us kids that were enlisted to remove the concrete and the dirt. We had to wheelbarrow it up the old worn cement stairs that had a makeshift ramp laid on them that ran up and out to the outside. There we piled it up in the back yard for future removal. The plan was to also make a sitting and game room in this portion of the basement.

I always enjoyed doing projects around the house with my father. I idolized and admired him. I also loved to go to his work site or to work with him at his shop. I enjoyed working with tools and learning whatever I could. He knew I enjoyed our time together, and I knew he liked to have me around too. Though my father, and I am sure like many, thought their kids were lazy from time to time. He knew I was not lazy and always liked helping. I did do half assed jobs while working in the yard, but when it came to construction I always enjoyed taking part.

On this project while helping out, things seemed a little different. I never felt normal and I did not know why. Somehow I was falling out of control. I would find myself feeling unusually weak and lethargic. Every day and every moment became a little slower and slower. I didn't realize just how tired I was. I could feel it all happening, but at the same time my usual drive felt intact. I did not have the flu or a fever, but certainly I was in no control. I seemed to be in auto pilot with a sputtering engine. Every day got worse, and every motion felt like there was a drag on it. I couldn’t quit, nor even explain I was not well, my father wouldn’t have heard it.

Like usual on all jobs with my father, my name was Gopher. You know - go for this, go for that. I was constantly up and down the twelve or so much worn out old oak rickety and creaky wooden stairs. Fetching materials for my father was my duty. Most of the materials were kept upstairs in the kitchen. After days of working, gathering and fetching, I really began to feel burnt out and I fatigued quicker. Gradually over those days my father also got angrier and angrier. My father was demanding and when he wanted something it had to be now and not with delay. He yelled and bellowed at me, as he did all too well. Every day he yelled more often, with words like, "Move it, move faster, you damn kids are so goddamn lazy!” I would hear this at least five times a day. My father was a hard worker himself. He was an electrician by trade and a foreman of a fairly large crew. Well, I just kept on going like a slow motion robot, listening to him and watching his anger grow, but I wasn’t able to process his words or anger into motivation. All I could feel was tiredness, the willingness to move but being unable to move well. He yelled and demanded and I just could not commit, and my heart was breaking.

On the last day that I was his Gopher climbing up those stairs, I knew that my father was so frustrated that anything could happen. He kept on yelling and demanding more and more. "Aw come on, come on damn it, what the fuck is wrong with you kids!" This time I was three quarters of the way up the stairs and out of gas. I stopped and collapsed, kneeling and laying my upper body on the stairs. I just needed to fill up, to rest, to stop everything. He never clued in and kept up the bellowing, “What’s wrong with you, what the fuck is wrong with you?” I could hear him getting close; I could feel his aura, his dominating angry power. Now I knew I was in trouble. I knew that if he was coming up behind me yelling at the top of his lungs that I was in for it. He approached the stairs as he was yelling and yelling, "You damn kids are so goddamn lazy!” He yelled Again and again. “You damn kids are so goddamn lazy!” My father was certainly heavy handed from time to time, and this time he was as mad as a dog with rabies. Everything for me was in delayed action, from motion, to seeing, to hearing. Fearing my father’s wrath as it was all happening with a sense of distance and warped time. Now I was in the real land of disbelief. How could he be so mad at me? I was doing nothing wrong.

Then the shit hit the fan. It was like he was frantically rabid. I felt the rumble of his next two or three steps near me and saw in my side vision that he was right behind me. As he was yelling, and so visibly angry, I watched him reach out and then swing his massive hand towards my backside. Then I felt his hand striking me. He smacked my ass so hard that I flew up the next three or four stairs. I could feel him and hear him trembling in pure rage. This was the land of disbelief, and it is real, and time does stop. This is what I felt and tried not to recognize it. Now I knew I was in a different place and what was would never be again. My life changed from that moment on.

I laid there at the top of stairs in some sort of shock with the feeling of being stunted and abandoned. I lay there feeling that all hell had invaded my personal space and I looked up to see mother’s face. At first her expression was one where she thought that maybe I deserved this; then it quickly changed to one where she thought that maybe something might be wrong with me. I felt that I had next to no energy left, I was drained, I had little life or fuel left. All I knew was that I just needed to fill up somehow, and then I collapsed flat out on those stairs.

By now my mother wises up a bit more and starts to think that something must be going on with me that had nothing to do with me being lazy. She was now freaking out at my father to help her get me to the couch. They got me into the living room and they laid me out on the couch. Now fully concerned, she switched her mode to pampering and taking care of me for the rest of night. She would feel my head, look deeply at me and ask continuously of what I was feeling. I never had a lot to say, I never felt like I should say anything, or even could. As I lay there my world was crashing in on me. I wondered what was going on, and I wondered, what kind of man was my father? Of course no one knew what was happening with me, well no one on this earth anyway.

I grew weaker and weaker all night. My mother became more concerned every hour. My father had some concern, but went on as though nothing much was going on and that I would get over it. As the next day came along it was evident to my mother that I needed to be seen by a doctor. She helped me get ready and then out of the house into our large Ford station wagon. She drove me to the Campbell Clinic and I got in to see our family doctor straight away, his name was Dr. Habberman. He had been my doctor all of my life and he checked me out quite well. After a while, and a full examination, he diagnosed me with pneumonia as I was quite susceptible to it. He told us to go home, rest and get lots of fluids, and this is what we did.

Well, it's the 70s, fast foods and packaged juice drinks that you just add water to. The drink of choice was grape Quench. Eight of us in the family and Quench is a lot cheaper than milk, better tasting than water, and we drank a lot of it. I never began to feel better and it was a little strange because it never felt like any pneumonia that I had previously experienced. Who knew what, but I was getting worse. I was laid out on the couch all day drinking grape Quench.

After three days and a lot of fluids I continued to get worse. I was having the hardest time to even hold up my head by now. On that third day my mother started to get into panic mode and we were back at the doctors first thing in the morning. This time Dr. Habberman took one look at me and said, “I will meet you at the hospital.” We got back into the wagon, and just as my mom closed my door I fell out of consciousness. I woke a few minutes later to see the ER staff. There were a few of them gathered around, all busy working on getting me out of the car. My mother was in tears and panicking and a couple of staff were consoling her. I knew I was going down, and this was it, and life was ending. Everything was becoming blurrier. As I looked out into the world, everybody and everything blended together. It was as if my soul was searching for a home but kept on turning back inside of me. The reality was of my being. Being me was real, but the reality of me living in my body was not.

As they placed me on a gurney outside of the car, I once again blacked out. I was transported straight up to a room where I woke one more time just as they were placing me on a bed. One nurse was taking off my underwear. I quickly resisted and got nowhere. Another was laying me down to the bed and that resisting would be my last thrust of strength.

It seemed that from when I lost consciousness I immediately fell deep into time. I was also hearing a voice. It may have been one of the nurses or maybe the voice of an angle of peace. Everything in my perception was whitened and I sensed myself in this white frosty mist. With my eyes closed this filled my inner vision. I heard, “It is okay, you will be fine, you’re going to be fine.” Then boom - I was gone.

For what and where was I heading? What was it that was holding my hand and my soul on this day in mid February of 1978? From the moment I fell unconscious in that hospital I also became aware that I was in some sort of travel. What were the spins, twists, and slides that I was going through? Then with in a blink of an eye I found myself in a fog, in a distant land, a tunnel of bliss and illuminated whiteness. I hovered through this at what seemed to be varied speeds, twisting and turning without any fight at all.

Everything just rolled into one, all sound, views and thoughts. It was not as if I looked around or was able to move. I was still in transport. All that was and all that is engulfed my vision. It was as if my mind’s capability of seeing was multi times plus multi layered and could process all angles and views as one. I can only describe this place as a tunnel of all life, like the inside of the oesophagus of all time. I call it an oesophagus because man this thing was alive, and had the look of the inside of an oesophagus. It was a power and force that was so immense and it seemed expandable.

Then I suddenly became fully aware and found myself at rest. Now I knew that I was standing with my backside against the inside wall of this oesophagus. I was about a third of the way down from a bright mouth, or the end, or let’s say the illuminated opening of this all powerful oesophagus. All at the same time that this became apparent, so did this other view; there I was looking over myself. I could see myself laid out on a hospital bed with my family all nearby. My father was sitting in a chair by me and my mother was in tears standing over me. I could see this, I watched this. I watched certain family members, my sisters and brothers come and go, but my mother stayed right there, and always with tears.

It was an unknown circumstance and place to me. This was not even imaginable by me. I started to fear loss, the loss of everything I ever knew. At first I felt so vulnerable, scared, and so alone. Then a fuller picture emerged and flooded me. It was of pure white luminescence that came from one end of this oesophagus that was on my right side. It illuminated the whole end, and it seemed like it got fuller and more blissful if you were to go through it and walked off the end. It had my full attention and then some. This incredible white light illuminated the inside of this immense tunnel from one end to the other. The other end though was no place to go to. This was a dark end. The light never shone through it, and barely to it. I only acknowledged that end once or twice. It's hard to say, but I do believe that I saw souls hovering and floating out of it. The fear that I felt from that end was greater than I had ever known, and still know to this day.

I was taking this all in, did I have a choice? I think not. I was trembling and shaking. This tunnel was not a tunnel. Like I said, it was the oesophagus of all life. The inside walls were ribbed all around with large ribs that were glowing with florescence. It was certainly alive. It's very hard to describe this. Over to my right it was like a larger than all life head of a beast pouring out from the illuminated end of the oesophagus. It was a force larger than all infinity itself. The power that poured out of it was of colossal awesomeness. This power is what I have come to call the Force. It was so colossal and it shape shifted in size and configurations. It’s as if it was made up of all the heads of all beings. This Force is all knowledge and wisdom of the entire universe. This was known without a question. It illuminated of many colours, but largely of whiteness, silvers, and blues. It zinged, zapped and crackled like lightening with pure electricity and luminescence. I felt plugged into it and that it was feeding me my life. I stood there as it filled my sights, my visions and my mind, and I never moved at all.

I could see its body from the head outwards through the end of this tunnel. It lined the whole right side of the illuminated opening to what seemed and felt to be this place of no time. From the head back it laid out as immense as all the mountain ranges on earth and throughout the universe that you could ever imagine all put together. This was the body, and there was no end to see. It was pure electricity made up of every colour of light. It glowed and illuminated of silvers, whites and blues. This light and power crackled off and out of it like lightening. It crackled, flared and zapped all over on it and from it. It was jagged, bumpy and hilly with mounds of brightness, florescence and illuminated pastels and neon, with all the colours of light. It was not still. It squiggled, vibrated up and down and side to side like one hell of a colossal slinky. This Force is filled with pure electricity, pure force, perhaps life of all life, and here I was, face to Force.

Trembling and scared, but feeling a bit more at ease. There was another vision that was straight in front of me. Like a window, but with no window. I could now acknowledge the other scene clearly. My mother was crying endlessly over me. My father was very concerned and would be sitting next to me. Others in my immediate family were in and out constantly, and so were my grandparents and relatives too. It was not like a second to second account, though rather the whole account all at once. I could see myself in that hospital bed with three intravenous lines coming out of me. I witnessed all of this as if it was all one time and as if there is no time. To see this view and take in this Force at the same time was extraordinary.

Then I began to hear some form of words, or sounds, and what seemed to be laughter too, and it was coming from the Force. These words had great power and they had full penetration to my soul. They came at me with large crackling and thunder-like energy. I would begin to understand that I could go back and be with my family if that's what I wished. That if I choose to go back that I would stick it out, but not without hell, that I would not live without great hardship. I was warned of great difficulties and that nothing would be easy. I was told that if I make it through a long period of hell on this earth that I would become what I am to be.

The Force also let me know that I could just accept it and to come on in. I was welcomed to enter its light energy and everything would be okay, that all would be fine. It was all bliss, it was of no time. This was reiterated that I had the choice to stay or go, and always with laughter, with heavy thrusting laughter. What the Force said to me was, “You can come back any time; this is your home.” I would hear this over and over again during those three days. It seemed as if all the Force needed was an okay from me either way. As I stood there for the entire time with tears and fear of loss, I had to make a decision. I was constantly with the question to stay or go, and always with laughter.

The scene in the hospital grew and grew. I saw my favourite uncle. My uncle Ray brings me a Seattle Mariners ball hat. They were one of my favoured teams in those days. He was saying, “Come on kiddo, wake up and we will go to a ball game together.” I was still seeing my mother in tears, my father pacing, sitting and pacing. My sisters were crying a little and all three of my brothers were in deep thought of me and wishing for me to pull through. My grandparents came up often and brought me a bouquet of flowers. Each one of them would always lean in to me wishing me well. My grandfather would tell me that he needs a fishing partner this summer and I was it. The doctors were in and out like a swarm of bees pollinating a flower. None of them thought I was going to pull through. In fact they had told my parents to prepare for the worst.

I did feel at peace, but I had to make a choice as I was being pushed by the Force. I so wanted to enter this light, I knew it was probably the best choice. It felt like the smartest choice to make, that’s if I only thought of myself. As I watched my mother cry and cry I could not take it. With great trembles and rushing energy I started to make the choice. I knew I had to choose my mother; I just could not hurt her. Now feeling this thrusting energy of laughter, electricity, and power of the Force, I knew there was no turning back. The exchange started to take place. Just as quickly as I slipped into this coma, I started to wake a little. Yeah! Crazy huh?! Three days gone and the doctors never thought that I would come out of this coma. They told my parents that even if I did come out there may be permanent damage.

As I woke and opened my eyes, I was squinting at two doctors standing by me. I barely looked at one white coat as he says to me, “Welcome back, you’re a type one diabetic like your brother Perry.” I looked at one arm that had two intervenes lines coming out of it, and then saw that the other arm had one. I also noticed off to the side a small table that had a bouquet of flowers and a Seattle Mariners ball cap on it. Then just as fast, I was out again.

I don’t know, maybe I thought, “Hey Force I'm coming back”. But I can’t tell you that I saw anything then. About twelve hours later I woke again with the doctors and my parents by my side. Everybody was happy; the docs told me how lucky I was. My mother smothered me, and my father was of course quite relieved.

After a night’s sleep I woke the next day to a nurse who set a syringe and a needle on the table next to me. I asked her, “What is that for?” She replied, “When you’re ready, you can start practicing taking insulin shots on this orange.” It did not take too long; I was self administering insulin the day after.

We were told that my blood sugar reached 116, one of the highest recorded at that time. I was declared a brittle diabetic. I spent a month in the hospital with a whole lot of reflection and wonderment. It was near death for me, face to Force, an experience that will always be.

I asked my mother what had gone on. She told me that she cried for days and that she was devastated. I asked who came to see me. She told me that many of my family, my grandparents and other uncles and aunts came to see me. I said then that I could see her crying, and the others, but never talked much of my experience. I am not sure why I never did, but I think it took a long time for me to absorb and to come to grips of what took place. I did mention that I was in some sort of a place with a lot of bright light. I still don’t know why my parents never asked me much about it either. I did try a little to explain where I had been, but it was pretty tough. I did certainly hear how worried everyone was.

I was in a state of awe and confusion for a long time. Still am today. The thing was that I used to watch Perry take his insulin every morning for a year or two. He used a glass syringe and to him it was some sort of luxury. To me it looked kind of cool, and in a way I wondered what it was like. I even fantasized some of using it. Was this a sort of psychosomatic condition? Perry was an influence on me, some good, and some not so good.

Change comes with or without direct cause of your own actions, but can change happen by thought alone? I think it can, and does. We can think and imagine things that we would like to see come about whether positive or negative. If you are in the correct zone it can happen just as you see it. It's Imagineering. If you are not in the correct zone then all sorts of variables are at play, and certainly ones that are not of your choice or imagination. But what is it that opens and closes doors, and how does one foresee that? Is it that our path is laid out for us? Or do we make our own destiny as we grow? In this, is the order kept, as we are cogs in the wheel of the order? Are we guided to fulfill our role, our destiny? So do we have control of our choices? Do we have control of who we are and what we become? Are we at least 50% of who we are, hardwired at birth? In order for us to fulfill the order do we go through this earth schooling and become our planned destiny? Interesting thing is is that life goes on no matter what, but it does advance or perhaps decline in so many ways as it goes on.

What does take place during the ascension of death? What is, what I have named the Force, this light, this immense illuminated energy, this electric Force? Is it A Force, as in one of them, or The Force? Or is this the one God and the gate into what has been described to be heaven? Are we turned back if our role is not complete? Do we just live long enough to fulfill our role? At death, do we all pass through this oesophagus? Do only some of us get a chance in any way to decide if we are ready or not? Does that dark end represent rejection? Nonetheless, it is illumination and an electrical field like no other, and it certainly interacts with us. Just because you cannot see it, does not mean it does not exist.

It was not till twenty-five years later and thanks to the internet that I came across a description of this tunnel. It has been painted and documented throughout the last hundreds of years. I have seen a few paintings and drawings that are very close to what I witnessed, though there is little description of what I call the Force.

An interesting fact was that I suffered extreme asthma from the age of two till this episode. It had just been a few months since my last bad asthma attack, and that would have been my last asthma attack. For whatever change was instilled in me, I believe it was to keep me alive. Asthma was probable to end my life short. I suffered severely with it. I had been saved perhaps. Was this an intervention? I have never suffered asthma since. Whatever happened and has taken place, I have not lived this life without hell. It’s been forty years since this encounter. I do believe that my good days are on the way!

Kozz @ November 13, 2019