Beth

Oh Beth, I miss you. Sometimes. Our separation was so complete that I still feel a distance when I look at your photo. You might wonder, then, why I bought the dragonfly and bicycle pillows that adorn my living room. And why there’s a little shrine to you on my north wall. I suppose it’s ultimately to Love.

We loved each other even though we didn’t know how to do it properly. I don’t take you or Charlie for granted now because I know how soon Love, and Life, can vanish. I bawled on your birthday the year after we separated because, again, Love. Love intertwined with pain until you asked me to literally cut you out of a photo I had up on OkCupid. Something shifted in me then. This best friend of mine was separated by a moat, and I wandered on, and away.

What’s funny is that I immediately found a bff who didn’t work out. You and I had boundaries, probably too many. This person had absolutely none and entertained the idea that I was in love with her. Graphic photos of her started to appear in my chatbox, and eventually I unfriended, blocked, almost ghosted her. She had crossed my last boundary, shocked me one final time. Still, I feel sorry for her - which is different from what I feel for you. For you there’s an absence even though I surround myself with mementos of you.

It’s funny but what I can say about us is that your boyfriend Edy has now become my family. In losing you, in reading Ecclesiastes from The Message bible at your memorial, in reaching out to my long-lost friend Edy, in getting a huge hug from your sister after my Dad died, I feel peace, and Love.

I still miss you, and I think I always will. My new, and hopefully lifelong, bff, is so much like you. Brown hair, red face, “the diabetes,” everything. Definitely more of an extravert, but he reminds me to never take Love for granted.

I’m buying him a Christmas stocking this year, sparkly like him, to be stuffed with bath bombs and yummy things.

I’ll always remember you. You were my first taste of Love outside of my family. You will always be missed.

We did the best we could, didn’t we?