I

knew

I

loved

you

when

I

caught

myself

defending

you

even

though

you

hurt

me

M ade me think I needed you

A ttacked the walls I built in my mind

N ever enough for you

I gnoring me when I deserved to be heard

P ain I could not explain

U ndermined my mental health with guilt trip

L oved you, though you’d hurt me

A ccepted that I must have done something wrong

T elling me all the reasons I don’t deserve you

E ven my mind came to believe it was my fault you didn’t love me

D idn’t see that love shouldn’t come with conditions like those.

I draw a line on my doorway,

A red X to lead you home,

The sun sets then rises again;

Another night spent alone.

I see stars on my window pain,

They're so bright they hurt my eyes,

I latch the lock and close the drapes;

I can't listen to their lies.

They say the moon is coming soon,

That she'll brighten up the night,

Then the clouds come and cover me,

And she hides just out of sight.

I can't help but cry when it rains,

Or shed a tear when there's frost,

I stay inside when I see fog,

'Cause if I don't, I'll get lost.

People say the sun shines brightly,

And I guess I'll believe them,

Even though they still insist that,

There aren't thorns on every stem.

I wish that I had a dollar,

For every tear that I cried,

So I could buy some golden wings,

And finally see the sky.

I bet you wouldn't believe me,

'Cause I bet it wouldn't show,

That once, somebody loved me,

But that was so long ago.

I know what you would say to that;

"You didn't deserve it then,

You don't deserve it now, either,

You don't deserve it again."

You're the only one who loves me,

You're the only one who can,

I'm broken and unfixable,

And worth less than any man.

My bedroom feels warm when you're gone,

The kitchen is cleaner too,

I start to imagine my house,

Without the traces of you.

I put your coat on my front step,

So I can finally think,

Without you breathing down my neck,

I fill the kitchen sink.

The water splashes on the floor,

Down the hall, to my doorway,

Where the X has started to blanch,

As your hold on me gives way.

You left to punish me, I know,

But the air is cleaner now,

And I feel happier than sin;

More than what you would allow.

So I take my bag and my shoes,

And all my broken parts,

You'll never break me again, I swear,

From the bottom of my heart.

- J -

May12, 20xx

7:35 PM

hey <3

hey

how was ur day

?

..

good

ig

r u sure?

u seem upset

7:49 PM

...

j?

what

i asked if u were okay

oh

yeah

are you

yeah

dont worry about it

okay...

8:23 PM

hey

can i

ask you something

ye

whats up? :0

do you

love me

like

actually

of course i do

why would u think i dont

i...

nevermind

j...

whats going on

you arent acting normal

did i do something

im sorry

what did i do

i didnt mean to

im sorry

its not you

i just

i need

....

?

i cant do this

i dont know

i love you but

theres someone else

and she..

......

...

but i thought we

...

and you asked

i thought

what did i do...

i must have done something

...im sorry

...

j?

Server []

May 18, 20xx

general chat

j: im considering leaving

im sorry everyone

i cant stand to be here anymore

- J -

July 21, 20xx

2:19 PM

hey

im sorry i left

i missed you

i came back bc of that

im sorry

i hope you'll forgive me

you still love me...?

yeah

i do

im sorry

...i love you

...i love you too

i never stopped loving you

me too..

- J -

July 23, 20xx

11:58 AM

i cant stand them talking about me like that

they dont get it

only you understand me

dont listen to them

please

i know...

i still love you, dont worry

- Sis -

July 26, 20xx

10:02 PM

dont you see what he's doing?

why do you let him hurt you

why do you still trust him after all of that

i love him

of course i trust him

i know he did some bad stuff

but i still trust him

maybe if you had trusted him

when you dated, you would understand

- J -

July 26, 20xx

10:05 PM

she doesnt know what she's talking about

she still hates me because of what she thought i did

of course she wont understand

- Bestie -

July 26, 20xx

10:06 PM

this needs to stop

he isnt doing anything to help you

why wont you listen to us

but

he wouldnt hurt me on purpose

he loves me

and i love him

im not going to betray him just because you say i should

...

Good luck in the world then, Perc

If you want to do this

Then do it

But we won't be part of it.

Goodbye.

[Bestie blocked you]

[Sis blocked you]

[Liz blocked you]

[Matt blocked you]

[Raine blocked you]

- J -

July 26, 20xx

10:12 PM

they all hate me

why wont they listen to me anymore

if they wont be your friend because of me

then do they really deserve you anyway

like i do

im worth more than them, right?

i guess so...

but they say you dont love me

you do love me right

of course

but...

this whole thing has made my life a mess

it might be better if we dont do this

for both of us

... this place is a mess anyway

i only came back for you

i dont really want to stay

but i will

for you

i love you

yeah...

i love you too

- Sis -

October 8, 20xx

9:30 PM

btw...

j did a thing

he asked me..

out.. again..

- J -

October 8, 20xx

9:33 PM

i...

i may have...

im sorry...

her.

again.

i thought you...

yeah..

im sorry

i dont know what happened

i still have feelings for you

i think

but i just

im not happy here anymore

i dont know what to do

...ily?

...

you never did anything wrong,

no,

you were perfect.

you just showed me

how wrong I was

and how wrong I

will always be.

I love her,

Even though she's the reason I have an eating disorder.

I don't know how many times she's said things like:

"You eat so healthy. I don't know why you're not thin,"

Or

"Don't get that bathing suit, it doesn't flatter your figure,"

Or

"You shouldn't tuck that shirt in."

I love her,

Even though she's the reason I judge those who like me unconditionally.

I don't know how many times she's said things like:

"She's nice but a little bit strange,"

Or

"Listen to that whiny voice of hers,"

Or

"This crowd would be a better fit for you" (even if it was obvious they never fully accepted me).

I love her,

Even though she criticized everyone I had a romantic interest in.

I don't know how many times she's said things like:

"This guy is a nerd,"

Or

"He has a physical disability, I don't know why you're interested in him."

Or

"He's bad news" (though I admit you were right about that one).

I love her,

Even though I try hard to please her and don't quite measure up.

I don't know how many times she's said things that were critical.

I love her,

Because you're supposed to love your mother, right?

Oh Beth, I miss you. Sometimes. Our separation was so complete that I still feel a distance when I look at your photo. You might wonder, then, why I bought the dragonfly and bicycle pillows that adorn my living room. And why there’s a little shrine to you on my north wall. I suppose it’s ultimately to Love.

We loved each other even though we didn’t know how to do it properly. I don’t take you or Charlie for granted now because I know how soon Love, and Life, can vanish. I bawled on your birthday the year after we separated because, again, Love. Love intertwined with pain until you asked me to literally cut you out of a photo I had up on OkCupid. Something shifted in me then. This best friend of mine was separated by a moat, and I wandered on, and away.

What’s funny is that I immediately found a bff who didn’t work out. You and I had boundaries, probably too many. This person had absolutely none and entertained the idea that I was in love with her. Graphic photos of her started to appear in my chatbox, and eventually I unfriended, blocked, almost ghosted her. She had crossed my last boundary, shocked me one final time. Still, I feel sorry for her - which is different from what I feel for you. For you there’s an absence even though I surround myself with mementos of you.

It’s funny but what I can say about us is that your boyfriend Edy has now become my family. In losing you, in reading Ecclesiastes from The Message bible at your memorial, in reaching out to my long-lost friend Edy, in getting a huge hug from your sister after my Dad died, I feel peace, and Love.

I still miss you, and I think I always will. My new, and hopefully lifelong, bff, is so much like you. Brown hair, red face, “the diabetes,” everything. Definitely more of an extravert, but he reminds me to never take Love for granted.

I’m buying him a Christmas stocking this year, sparkly like him, to be stuffed with bath bombs and yummy things.

I’ll always remember you. You were my first taste of Love outside of my family. You will always be missed.

We did the best we could, didn’t we?

So many thoughts cloud the mind,

So many emotions flood the heart,

And sometimes I wonder which people act upon

It feels like my heart is a naive tourist and my brain is a local

My brain tries and tries to tell my heart what to do and where to go

However my heart is stubborn, and believes she knows the way around a land not her own

She controls me, and when she speaks I am in a trance, deaf to the pounding scream of my brain

My heart has no mercy and tricks me into believing her every word

That’s when she strikes

Her glittering teeth sink into me, and my brain is obliterated

My every move is made by her, authorized and wished by her

Everyone heeds out warnings, but my heart makes me forget them

My own feelings are not a thought or a priority to her

And with that she starts to kill me too

My face stuck in a frozen smile, my eyes bright and forgiving, my arms wide open

I scream weakness, and don’t you worry, they hear

I light up in hues of magenta and yellow, rays of sun blind me and bring warmth to others

I am a host, a mere shell for others.

They suck my beauty and overdose on the kindness

They come back for more, and I can’t seem to tell them to stop

The warnings pound in my head, but they are quickly washed away with an apology, a cry for help

My heart pulls the reigns and I hear the words, “It’s ok”

These words stay with me, and when I forget myself they resurface

Suddenly something snaps

My brain picked up its pieces to end the ruling of the heart

My world stops for a moment, the screen pauses

I realize what I need to do, and the warnings suddenly some rushing back like a tidal wave

I finally feel my brain rise up into my head again, and I know everything is going to be back to normal

But then the screen resumes

The brain sinks once more, and does not return

Sometimes I wonder if it ever will

I am reminded of my weakness, and keep on living this way for the rest of my days

There I sat

In a shroud of cold and dark

In your eyes I thought I saw

The light and warmth I needed

To find my way out

I clawed my way through

The wall of fear I built

To reach the safety

I thought you held

I was willing to do anything

To remove my cloak of darkness

And yet that cloak

Was the only thing

You didn’t remove

I finally reached that light

That warmth

But instead of safety

It was hellfire

The heat scorched my skin

The light seared my eyes

But still I stayed

Perhaps I could tame it

Calm it

How much worse

Could fire be?

@LEBass #Challenge