there always is tomorrow

As I look back at my life I see that I was an ordinary child, born to ordinary middle class family on an ordinary day. I was loved and cared for. Only boy and more precious for it. I was raised with convictions that greatness awaited me and was given every opportunity to achieve it. As a child to me, everything was allowed within reason. My sister on the other hand had to be obedient and respectful. Stay at home and do the things that were expected from her. All she did was study. I on the other hand had many friends. I had fun.

I grew up.

Study! Yes I will, but later. Today I have a plan with my friends. Go to the university! Sure but later, this year I think I'll go on a long vacation. Take example from your sister who is so successful in everything she does! Sure, but later. Now I'm meeting with my girlfriend. Anyway she had to work so hard for it all. Was it truly worth all the sleepless nights? Work the job that will make you feel fulfilled! Of course I will, but later. Right now This job is an easy pay and no serious responsibilities. I will earn some money and than look for a real job. Save for the future! Sure, but later. Right now I need money to leave the way I want to leave. Future is so far away and my needs are now. there is no hurry. Find true love! I will, but later. Right now this girl is beautiful enough. She knows me so well and she dose everything around the house. I honestly can't imagine how I did things before her. Don't settle for less! I won't, I will work something out, but later. She really is a nice girl and we go so well together. Sure we are not crazy for each other, but we will be happy enough. Don't shut her out, love her if you chose her! Yes, yes I will, but later. Right now some distance will be good fore us. I need a little time to myself and god now she can use some to. Be with your children! I will of course, but later. Now I have to work and earn money for my family. They will understand when they are older. No they won't! Later. I will explain to then later. Do not give up on happiness and be content in the misery! Yes I know. This is no way to love. I have to let go, but later. Right now we have children and work... and what would our friends and acquaintances think if we just separated. I can't make my family the talk of the town. Don't miss out on the beauty of life! I understand. I will enjoy it, but later. Right now there is just so much to do at work and with the family. There just isn't any time for fun and the simple joys of life. Later. Later.

But you're already to late!

So now here I am, an old man seating alone in an empty house. I always thought there would be a magical world of tomorrow, where everything I was not today, I could become there. So I never studied hard, didn't go to a good university, or find a decent job I could love. I had many chances handed to me, but I never took any of them. I never searched for true love and just settled for what was available at the time. So I made not only myself miserable in this sorry excuse of a marriage, but her as well. Still I could have been happy even in this situation with beautiful children she gifted me, but I never had time for them, or for her. They grew up resenting me and eventually leaving never to return again. We were miserable, but I was still to much of a coward to pull the trigger and just dragged it all out. Finally she found courage I never had and ended it all. She was free and a little bit happier. Now, I am really alone. Old man sitting in a chair, with life holding a gun against my temple. For the first time the cold steel made the thought of today feel so precious to me. Looking out at a beautiful sunset and at the end of this road, finally seeing its true beauty. A

sound of gun cocking broke the silence. Maybe happiness is still a possibility for me. It is so close, within arms reach. I can change my entire life and finally be content. I can give the people I love the version of me they truly deserve. Yes. Later...

BANG...