my undertaking at this thing they call life

• • •

all these years, the reason why I wrote was so that other people would see what I wrote. so that people would see me and maybe slowly learn to understand me.

all these years, I have been lying to myself. multiple of times on multiple occasions. I have been miserable. do you know what the problem was though?

throughout the times when I had been listening insistently to that ugly noise coming right from inside of me, I had lost my light. I had lost parts of me that I had held up so high. I had stopped being myself.

or maybe I had changed. perhaps the me that I am now is not supposed to be the me that I used to be.

it just doesn't feel good.

for some odd reason, I no longer wrote the way I used to. nothing inspired me anymore. and I know I shouldn't put it in on life as an excuse for that ridiculous change. I did this to myself. yes. I did this.

doubt had risen to the surface one day and stayed stuck there as if it was being glued on over and over again.

I don't know what to do anymore.

for the longest time now, I have wanted to reach out and spill it all out onto that icy floor I have been so terrified to step on. not going to say I didn't try. because I did.

it just wasn't enough. not for someone like me.

but this time around, I. Have. Had. Enough.

I want to try again.

For myself this time.

Yeah, and perhaps that's a big fat lie that I am telling myself. however, not for long, because I am going to try and try again, always.

yes.