• • •

all these years, the reason why I wrote was so that other people would see what I wrote. so that people would see me and maybe slowly learn to understand me.

all these years, I have been lying to myself. multiple of times on multiple occasions. I have been miserable. do you know what the problem was though?

throughout the times when I had been listening insistently to that ugly noise coming right from inside of me, I had lost my light. I had lost parts of me that I had held up so high. I had stopped being myself.

or maybe I had changed. perhaps the me that I am now is not supposed to be the me that I used to be.

it just doesn't feel good.

for some odd reason, I no longer wrote the way I used to. nothing inspired me anymore. and I know I shouldn't put it in on life as an excuse for that ridiculous change. I did this to myself. yes. I did this.

doubt had risen to the surface one day and stayed stuck there as if it was being glued on over and over again.

I don't know what to do anymore.

for the longest time now, I have wanted to reach out and spill it all out onto that icy floor I have been so terrified to step on. not going to say I didn't try. because I did.

it just wasn't enough. not for someone like me.

but this time around, I. Have. Had. Enough.

I want to try again.

For myself this time.

Yeah, and perhaps that's a big fat lie that I am telling myself. however, not for long, because I am going to try and try again, always.

yes.

On another Earth

"You know what people—sorry, I meant researchers—are saying nowadays?"

What?

That voice again. It has been ringing in my ear non-stop. I am about to lose my mind.

"Anyway, what I was saying was: you know how there's, like, seven skies and seven wonders of the world and all that stuff?"

He's not gonna answer. You aren't even making eye contact, for God's sake. Hahaha.

"So, apparently, theoretically, there are seven Earths, too! And guess what, of each creature walking all of these Earths there may be six other clones. Exact name, face, beliefs, etc. First time—"

You are boooooring. Of course he's gonna leave. What were you even thinking about telling him about that stuff?

"Hey, where are you going?!"

And he is gone. Just talk to me. I am far more interesting.

In a soft whisper, I speak to the distance.

"Who are you?!!"

You know, that little theory you were so excited about has been hypothesized eons ago.

"What? How? It just aired a couple of days ago. Where? When?—"

Well, why of course, on the first Earth that I come from. The other you. The OG, baby.

“B-But—I don’t believe you! I can’t even see you, for God’s sake. For all I know you’re some voice I have fabricated in this stupid head of mine. So...just go away.”

A boisterous laugh echoes around the circumference of my head and I swear I could have gone unconscious for a second.

It sounds just like mine. My laugh.

“Darling, darling. You believe me. Yeah, you do, judging by the look on your face, I am 100% sure.”

The shock on my face must’ve been stuck there ever since that voice declared that she is me. Which is absolutely ridiculous. That can’t be—

“Anyway, beautiful. Without beating ’round the bush, lemme just spit straight out.”

For some reason, I remain silent.

Actually, the reason may be that everyone around has been staring at me like I’ve grown another head.

I may have. Seeing that other voice is just like mine and—

The sound of fingers snapping breaks the trance of my thoughts, successfully bringing me back to reality.

“Hey! Hey! Hey! You with me? You ready for what I’m ’bout to say?”

I don’t even talk like that. Yet for the sake of getting rid of that voice, I opt for humming under my breath.

“Do. Not. Do. It.”

“What? Don’t do what?”

“Those thoughts that are swirling ’round in that pretty head of yours. You know it very well. Just don’t do it.”

And it was the gone. The voice was gone.

• • •

A long, long time ago, there used to be this girl.

Frail. Chipped. Melancholic.

She was a lot of the negative things in this world. Everywhere she went, her eyes would locate the evil surrounding her and her hands would reach out, grab that evil, and tightly glue her to it.

Years went by. And she remained unchanged.

She was like a moth to a flame. Deeply enchanted by what burned her. Some sort of an unfathomable spell was cast on her.

For the longest time, that girl watched herself from the inside. She was trapped. Then slowly, deep within that hollow prison, the oxygen no longer resided in her lungs, pulling her away from whatever kept her alive.

That’s when she realized: She needed to wake up.

She did.

But... it was too late, for the wounds her clumsy hands tried to hide had already turned into gory, ugly scars.

And as more and more years went by, as she grew up, those scars hung onto her, unwavering, taunting, and merciless.

If she had only reached out. To something other than that damned flame.

• • •

sometimes

i feel so malleable

that the sliver of a touch

twirls me into a boneless ball

sometimes

i feel so transparent

that the shortest glimpse

makes me crumble

like an autumn leaf

crunching under the bulky

shoes on huge feet

sometimes

i feel breathless, soulless

as if i am no longer

me

and yet,

a smile lingers on my lips

like an unwelcome guest

with the mere want to please

A great someone once said,

"No one else is dealing with your demons,"

But for way too long I've lived in my head

And now I'm drained and weakened

When my surroundings crowded

I wanted to be alone

And when my pained eyes clouded

I prayed to be thrown

Away with the frosty air

They said, "forget," in a smug tone

Tell me: How? And why do you care?

A great someone once said,

"No one else is dealing with your demons,"

Thus, I'll be running away, no regrets

No existing, no forgetting, and no emotions

i think i am too much

too much for me

too much for everyone

too much for no one

right at that vacant corner

of my dark, soulless room

i lay, head up

at a sky

filled with millions

of promises

my eyes welled up

fear swallowing them

whole

terrified of what passed

and of what is to come

clueless, too

for the longest time,

i longed for being held

but now even

the frailest of arms

will break me

a million reasons why

i am too much

In love, I am not

Yet, I feel I am

I feel I am

connected forever

to a someone

faraway

Perhaps, in another realm

where my tears are not tears

My fears not fears

Mind not a double-edged

sword

In love, I am not

Yet, I wish I am

For love is beauty

Sometimes my tears speak for me

They drip onto the screen

form fragments of words

Flailing but never failing

to tear me down

Sometimes my smile shuts me up

for that it's fearing

its falter, its eclipse

I seldom wonder but,

Unknown it is, for me

why my weakness is a weakness

That is my heart,

followed by a mind

Flailing but never failing,

to tear me down

i didn't understand it back in the day, when i was younger, simpler. i didn't understand the nature of people.

i didn't understand that if you're flat enough, people have the tendency to walk all over you, without even blinking twice.

i didn't fathom that shedding tears over everything meant nothing to people around you.

you ask why.

and i tell you, life is a race, and everyone is after the end of the tunnel, a goal, and they will reach it, no matter what it takes.

but i still kept on crying until i partially understood, because i still chose to see the good in people.