Eh

If time were to suddenly stand still in this very exact moment. This is what I would do, walk across the bay 30+ miles away from my own home. Walk up to your doorstep and stand. I would contemplate what I would say, do, act. Proceed to walk 10 more miles west to the golden coast stare myself in the eyes of the blueness of the water and ask myself why. Why bother, she was just a 30 mile walk, 30 miles of contemplation to hurt yourself again. 30 miles of painful steps knowing you are gone, knowing you won’t be coming back. Not because you are dead, but because you left me dead. Dead in my tracks, dead in a standstill of time that I can’t escape. I’ve been stuck here for 6 years of heartache with suicide as the answer. But I can’t seem to pull the trigger. You knew what you meant and you knew what I meant when we said I love you. But I’m here. Ten miles west of your house. Where you sleep while try to drown out the sounds in my head of my tinnitus clicking and clicking why can’t it be the gun instead. Why can’t I escape this paradox you left me for dead in.