I had a dream last night, one of us when we were much younger. It wasn't one of those where it was wild and random. No it was reliving a memory well multiple in fact. From when I asked you to be my forever to our first encounter of our lips meeting. From my first words to you to our last time seeing each other in person. I know it was a hard ride in the end but everyday i'm grateful it happened. I know it could have been smoother and relaxed and end in a happy ending where we were to be betrothed ... but life isn't that simple. I think one of my lives biggest regrets was losing you and i'll have to move on forward without you knowing I lost the love of my life and settle for less. I'm glad you found love, hopefully love you deserve and not what you think you deserve. I hope you find your peace, I hope you find what you're looking for. I hope you can look back on what was and still think of the good and bad.

You'd think almost a decade later and i'd be past us but I don't think you know how much you still have a hold onto my heart but I finally understand more. As we grow older. I just hope one day I can meet the man you married and tell him thank you for loving you, for making you feel whole. For taking on what I couldn't ... In the next life i'll always find you..

Goodbye.

What causes us to pursue happiness. Is it the chemicals in our brain that tell us this is right? Is it what we see on social media, media in general saying you need this to feel full and live a full life? What if you find fullness in sadness? Is that such a weird concept that’s taboo for the norms we call existing on this rock in space? As much as I love being happy I’m finding it harder and harder to achieve and strive for “happiness”. Unfortunately my life so far as an almost 27 year old consisted of nothing but glimpses and pockets of what you and I call happiness. So I get what all the hype is, but why is it I find comfort in my depression, in my lonely nights spent drifting aimlessly in the pain of past mistakes and regret. That I feel utter comfort in my discomfort. Why is it I feel it’s easier to default into the madness than the logic at this point. Why do I smoke cigarette? to get the chemical high it brings or the knowing action that I’m poisoning myself. that the discomfort brings ironically joy.

am I just reliving my emo days of highschool? Or was younger me onto something? I wonder.

Lately as the earth shifts it’s axis and we drift into the coldness and darkness I think of you. Maybe the sheer darkness reminds me of pain and heartache I went through after you walked out.

I dreamt of you a few times this month, couple of random, a few vivid, and a few realistic. I guess it will be the closest I’ll ever get to being near you.. oh how I miss holding you in my arms, how our hands didn’t match in size yet fit so perfectly. The way you would rest your head in the small of my neck. I miss that.

even if we could be together again I don’t know if it would even work anymore. It’s been so long since we last talked let alone see each other. Are we still the same? Are we grown? Did we change.? I wonder. I wonder so often whats changed about you. Do you still stay up reading late? Do you still love purple? Do you enjoy eating popcorn the way you used to? Do you stay up late still? Do you think we could meet? what Id do just to see you . I miss you

Like the title it’s pretty self explanatory.. the girl I’ve written so much about over the years got married in recent months. although we had both moved on I can’t help but to be lost? It’s as if a huge part of me was just casted away into the deepest abyss. lost and never to be found again. i miss it .. her I miss her. Even though I have found new love I don’t think anyone can replace her.. I do love the new love but the love that once was is well words describe, can’t be measured. I find my self hoping to see what once was in new love to see old love..

at the end of the day I’m happy for first love truly it’s all I could want for her, her happiness first and foremost.. just hope she truly is happy.. I occasionally see the posts and want to scream she doesn’t love him.. well I guess news flash she’s married to him.. and I’m still in the same space just with someone new passing time in hopes of anew with you… god I just miss you. But I’m happy for you.. and I’ll always love you..

goodbye A.. hope you will do great things, see amazing places. Faste amazing tastes it all.. I just hope he truly is the one for you like you are for me.. love always

E

If I could choose, I’d always choose you. But tonight I learned I choose me. Back and forth to the pull of the tides I choose neither the push or pull that is your gravity. I choose to be a post in the sand at a standstill between love and the chase that is you. I choose me. I choose to stand and reflect on what once was and no longer is but could still be. But I’ll stand here in your motion to disrupt your never ending pull. Dull to the bones I’m numb, I’m flushed, I’m currently in the contemplation of my life where I take it back. Not that you took it.. I just gave it.

Scared with barnacles and the harshness of the salt water continues to obliterate me little by little but I’m still standing. The deep ness of your depths tempt me to plunge but I will not succumb to you until you calm the waves and part like the Red Sea. I’ve found my worth, have you? Because I see it in all of its glory.

I wish to partake in the depths and fathoms of your soul. I just need to know are you ready for this dive? I wish for us to thrive with out baggage and big knives dig deep into our lungs. For darling we’ve been drowning in your depths.. and I wish to float. Yet I’m here at the coast standing in your waves. Will you let me in? Will you allow me to part you, hold the weight of your oceans deep within me? You wanted to see if I could wristband but you didn’t trust me. So let me. Carry the weight of our sins.

Until then.

I’ll wait at your shore, scared, broken, healed, informed. On the needs of your love.

The residual emotion that haunts me is my drug.

Like an addiction you haunt me when I least expect it. You creep up when I least expect it, and our relationship is only you. Only what’s wanted is given to the victor and like a shadow you take me with surprise. You always win because on the highest of highs and the lowest of lows you wait patiently as I live my life to unexpectedly steal everything from me. I know you are my warning signs and my wake up calls yet you do it in a way where I only feel the feeling of throbbing pain. I want to push you away because I’ve embraced you and we knew how that went. A gun to the head and a empty bottle on my bed. Yet.. I can’t get enough of you when you take hold of me. I am your hostage and I have Stockholm syndrome.

Why is it when ever I feel alone you are the only one there to comfort me, with open arms to embrace me. Why do you feel so comforting? Yet so sickening..

Depression.. I can’t be with you anymore.. I can’t continue this abusive relationship.

Another day another reminder that the depths of the love still cuts deep, these wounds still seep with the raw emotion like my flesh being torn open. Still constant reminders of what was never meant to be, constant knives dig deeper and deeper into this torn flesh. You presence like a ghost that haunts me every moment, your hands like daggers piercing my vulnerability’s Your lips smooth and perfect like poison, your kiss is so welcoming yet so violating. Violating my mind and my life every waking moment. Body’s could speak yours would be welcoming, but with conditions I could never meet. Words I could never speak. Words I could never keep.

You sink deep within in my nostalgia I cannot sleep.. you haunt me wether or not I want to keep.

I know there’s good but it seems I’m too bad.

I learned finally what I means to never fall truly asleep. Because you are there haunting my every dream.

I.. I was told “I love you” but it wasn’t you speaking life into those words.. it hurt.. knowing you’ll never speak them ever again. I’ll never get to cherish I love you the way I loved you.

Because these wounds are deep. You stole something so dear.. my desire to love again.

I hope you chose the one.. because love. Lost all of its fun..

If time were to suddenly stand still in this very exact moment. This is what I would do, walk across the bay 30+ miles away from my own home. Walk up to your doorstep and stand. I would contemplate what I would say, do, act. Proceed to walk 10 more miles west to the golden coast stare myself in the eyes of the blueness of the water and ask myself why. Why bother, she was just a 30 mile walk, 30 miles of contemplation to hurt yourself again. 30 miles of painful steps knowing you are gone, knowing you won’t be coming back. Not because you are dead, but because you left me dead. Dead in my tracks, dead in a standstill of time that I can’t escape. I’ve been stuck here for 6 years of heartache with suicide as the answer. But I can’t seem to pull the trigger. You knew what you meant and you knew what I meant when we said I love you. But I’m here. Ten miles west of your house. Where you sleep while try to drown out the sounds in my head of my tinnitus clicking and clicking why can’t it be the gun instead. Why can’t I escape this paradox you left me for dead in.

Heavy eyes, tired of the way my psyche is sleepless. Constant “go” and never enough of being enough in the eyes of the heavy. Exhausted mind can only lead to sudden end, one way to ruining it all, so he’ll stall. Stall for another sleepless moment. Stall for words that will never be spoken. So he sits there silent. Until the moments right to wake up again, only for anger and sorrows to come spewing out of his droopy mouth. Heavy weighted thoughts almost engrained inside his head to finally explode out of this awoken state.

WAKE UP. YOUVE GOT MORE AT STAKE, life won’t stop for you, nor will your sleep. Get UP.

No no no.. lay back down but don’t fall fast asleep.

STAND

Go to sleep..

RUN!

Crawl on your feet.

Confusion if he is awake or asleep, dead or alive he cannot choose what to believe.

Stuck in a rut? Or running down the steep.

Go to bed. You foolish sheep.