Seeking the Discomfort in sadness

What causes us to pursue happiness. Is it the chemicals in our brain that tell us this is right? Is it what we see on social media, media in general saying you need this to feel full and live a full life? What if you find fullness in sadness? Is that such a weird concept that’s taboo for the norms we call existing on this rock in space? As much as I love being happy I’m finding it harder and harder to achieve and strive for “happiness”. Unfortunately my life so far as an almost 27 year old consisted of nothing but glimpses and pockets of what you and I call happiness. So I get what all the hype is, but why is it I find comfort in my depression, in my lonely nights spent drifting aimlessly in the pain of past mistakes and regret. That I feel utter comfort in my discomfort. Why is it I feel it’s easier to default into the madness than the logic at this point. Why do I smoke cigarette? to get the chemical high it brings or the knowing action that I’m poisoning myself. that the discomfort brings ironically joy.

am I just reliving my emo days of highschool? Or was younger me onto something? I wonder.