little girl

once upon a time i was a little girl. a happy, carefree, little girl. small, smart, and sassy, i could do anything i set my mind to. but thats not who i am anymore. im not that same little girl. im not the one who acts on impulse, whos not afraid of anything, who treats everyone as if they are her best friend, except for those she really hates. thats just not me. that little girl never over thought anything. she didnt care about the repercussions of her actions, she probably didnt even know what that meant. she was just living her life, joyful and without worry. but me? no. not me. i second guess everything. im afraid of what everyone thinks about me. im scared to take a step in the wrong direction. im scared to do anything. people dont see that about me. they see that same little happy girl. and i wish thats who i was, but im just not her anymore.

im not quite sure how that little girl would think of me now. she would probably think im weird and too girly and too serious, and she probably wouldnt be impressed. and i am sorry to disappoint her. im sorry to dissapoint that little girl. im sorry to not fulfill her expectation of me and to not be that same person i was years ago. im sorry that i dont like worms and have crushes on boys instead of playing with them. im sorry i dont spend my time outside in the dirt. im sorry for having friends that are girls. im sorry for wearing makeup. im sorry for spending time in the mirrors everyday criticizing myself. im sorry for wishing i was skinnier. im sorry for dressing up on regular days. im sorry i dont own basketball shorts and that i dont play hockey or football. im sorry i dont hang with the boys anymore. im sorry for quitting baseball and wanting to dance, even though i know youve always hated it. im sorry for not having a bedfull of stuffed animals. im sorry for changing, you and i both wish i hadnt. but what am i supposed to do. that little girl is gone and there is no way to bring her back. not anymore. i wish i could, but dreams dont come true. i just cant.

shes gone.