I.

It's love.

Stop trying to deny it, to escape it, to make it up.

It's love.

You know, you should've loved her earlier. Then you would have had the pleasure of being near her all the time, the pain of being separated.

But you loved him, so I guess that's okay.

It's the same, right?

Don't try anything forward, though. In two years he'll forget about being scared of you, enjoying your presence, and you in general.

She'll remember up until today.

You're the only one who can make her happy, so start today.

II.

Push her away.

It's the girl who bugs you, day and night. It's the girl who thinks you're her best friend, when, really, she has no friends.

Push her away until she moves in a year.

Then you'll be rid of her, finally.

III.

Scream.

Scream your words out, let them flow

It's good for you, y'know

Stop trying to keep everything all in

The only way to conquer is to win

IV.

Take some personality tests. Real ones.

It'll help you.

V.

Go study a map. Then you can beat tests.

And make your teacher be in awe of you, not that she's not already.

VI.

Try to maintain your sense of self. If you don't, two years later you will wonder if you even had one. Or maybe you've just never thought about that. Try to figure it out.

VII.

Read more, write more.

VIII.

Sing already, goddamnit. Find your voice and start singing like a pro.

IX.

Try to get some treatment, if you know what I'm saying. If you don't, go take a mental issue test.

X.

Finally, just...never stop doing what you do.

Never.

Dearest Chelsie

Thanks for persevering

Through the darkness of your life

I am here to tell you

You aren't to blame for your strife

The sooner you accept this

The better off you'll be

You are both brave and beautiful

So much more than what you see

Dearest Chelsie

Love yourself

Your body and your brain

Love your wild soul

That only a worthy man will tame

And when he finally finds you

Grab hold of him with both hands

Sharing every life tale

Letting go of your past demands

You deserve this life you have

Don't question as you search for proof

Listen to your heart for she will lead you

To an everlasting truth

Dearest Chelsie

Cherish your time

For it is going fast

Revel in these moments

They will soon be past

Don't worry for tomorrow

It will all turn out

Everything won't be perfect

But your blessings will surmount

Hey Little Paul, don’t be freaked out

This is future Paul. Big you;

and I want to tell you about

some stuff that you may want to know.

But you may not.

I’ll leave that up to you.

If you stop reading now you live a life.

You’ll live it hard and fast and you

will have a thousand stories

for the kids you never had.

Your life will be a fantasy.

Until you grow up, that's true.

You’ll not go to university, and choose cash

by going into a string of shallow jobs

that fund a decadent lifestyle.

You’ll follow your heart dear Paul,

you’ll party hearty and be oh so cool.

But then you’ll realise something’s odd.

While you chased fun, others did not

and they left you to carry on.

While you slept with all the beauties,

bought and sold houses that made fortunes

they all set up their futures, had kids,

and older and way less cool, they made a bomb.

So Little Paul, if that’s what you want

Then stop your reading now, right?

Otherwise, if you want a future paved in gold

bricks and safety, then read the hell on

for I have healthy hindsight to give.

I impart to you over 40 years of plight.

Buy that house, keep it, then buy all the rest.

As the women leave you, sort paperwork and above

all never sell those houses. You’ll make a million quid.

When you bore so easily, with each new woman,

when you see how shallow you are with their beauty;

be sensible. Make do. Marry someone you don’t love.

In that job you hate, just you grin and bear it.

Stay there always, don’t follow your dreams

they’re laced with risk, may never work out.

Toil hard, strive long, screw that work-life balance.

When you’re in your 40s, looking 60, life will seem

far safer and normal. Just like everyone else has been.

So be a good boy, Little Paul

Grow up into a safer, sensible being.

Follow rules, don't drink or smoke,

eat healthy, work out, never get in debt.

I'm joking, do it all, do everything and more besides.

Fuck, laugh and live, for you’re dead by Spring.

Keep your head up. 

Life will tear you down early

...too early.

You will have scars.

Mean, nasty, ugly, and shameful scars.

Both physical

and emotional.

You will grow cold.

Your heart will ice over.

Those things you once loved...

they won't be there anymore.

Those people that said they loved you,

they will tear you to pieces.

They will destroy your spirit.

Those people that you trusted,

they will chew you up and spit you out.

Those who were never supposed to hurt you,

they will destroy you.

There will be times,

that an end seems only just.

There will be times,

when the fear of just breathing will destroy an entire day,

and then some.

There will be times,

that you don't leave your bed,

or your bathtub,

or you head.

There will be times,

that the monsters you keep at bay

will break through and wreak havoc.

But have faith.

Not in some deity,

but in yourself.

Days will come that you are alone,

scared,

nervous,

devastated,

pissed,

exhausted,

and that will just be when you wake up.

There will come a year,

when darkness seems to prevail.

And those that love you,

have abandoned you,

or are the source of the darkness.

Just hold on and don't lose yourself.

Because at the end of that year,

things get better.

There will be one that loves everything about

YOU.

There will be one that shows you

you are worth loving.

Trust me,

this is the most important thing to ever happen in your life.

The monsters don't go away,

but now,

you have somebody by your side to keep them at bay.

So just keep holding on. 

Don't change a thing.

Everything you are going through will help you.

I promise.

Don't give up just yet. 

Count to ten.

And then count to ten again.

And keep counting to ten until that person comes.

You'll know when they come around.

Just take a look in the mirror

right when things are at its worst

and you seem to no longer exist.

Look in the mirror.

There is your person. 

Behind the glazed look.

Look deep.

You'll see her trying to get out.

Let her.

The light will come back.

I promise.

-A teeny bit older Alibear

If you feel it's wrong even for a split second, don't do it.

Trust your gut for once, goddammit.

Don't settle for bad sex. Unless you're married - then work on it. 

Don't look for an easy "out" just because worthwhile things get tough.

Stick to your guns.

It's okay to be a liberal Christian who never truly knows what she believes.

It's okay to change your mind.

It's okay that everyone thinks you're a hurricane of crazy.

You are.

But you're also so goddamn charming.

It's okay that you have bipolar disorder and got fat after using those damned antidepressants.

It's okay that, God forbid, you like your bigger body.

It's okay that you have obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Don't believe people who say "that's not who you are" because, goddammit, it is a large part of who you are, and you should celebrate it in the ways that you can

instead of hiding it, shaming it, and trying to overcome it.

Mental illness isn't curable, anyway!

Sometimes what you consider "self-sabotaging" is actually you exercising sound judgment.

Get a grip.

Go with the flow more, for fuck's sake.

Stop swimming against the waves, for once, and let them carry you to your destination.

Desire and expectation of a secure, happy future will perpetuate the cycle of your anxiety.

Don't love who you want to love.

Love who you goddamned love.

Stop trying so hard to feel things you don't.

And, one last thing?

Stop saying "goddamn" so much.

You know, as much as I know, that it's not in your vocabulary.

EB, 

Yeah, you're going by EB now. 

I have so much to say to you, and just a little time to say it. Listen. Really LISTEN, and hear my words. 

Times are tough, and they're not going to get any easier. Your mom and your dad will never love each other again. They will never be friends, and things will never be comfortable again, but that's okay. That will make you who you are, one day. It will make you strong, and beautiful. It will teach you to love honestly, openly and purely. Above all, it will teach you never to settle for less than what you want - less than what you deserve. 

But do not let this hollow anger take control of your life. Do not let it dictate your course. Give your love freely into the hands of those who would truly love you. Do not raise your walls and your suspicions. Give love as freely as you receive it, and enjoy the ride of it all. 

Do not be the mistakes of your birth mother. There is no animosity there, and no love lost either. You are not her decisions and she is not yours. You are not defined by her past. She has no bearing on your future. So keep your head up, and do not look to her for inspiration or response. She was merely a vessel in this journey, nothing more and nothing less. She is not your shadow, and you are not hers. 

Don't be afraid. Your fear will age you and make you timid. It will quench that fire that you once held high for all the world to see. Do not let it be hidden by the wording words and actions of other. Be that fire, scorch the earth around you in the path to your own perfection. Hold it high. Burn it brightly. Let all those around you see it and hold it in likewise horror and admiration. Feel that fire. Breathe that fire, and let it lead you to that destiny. 

You are beautiful. You are alluring. You are a star in the darkest black of deepest space. You burn brightly and bring life to those around you. You are the wind that fills the sails and casts ripples upon the water that will echo through the world. You are everything and more. Be bold, be daring, be you. Follow your heart to the very ends of the earth, and let no man and no fear ever hold you back. 

You are fire made flesh. 

Remember that. 

There Is

Only

Now

The Book

of Five

Rings

Will Show

you

How

#B27321

once upon a time i was a little girl. a happy, carefree, little girl. small, smart, and sassy, i could do anything i set my mind to. but thats not who i am anymore. im not that same little girl. im not the one who acts on impulse, whos not afraid of anything, who treats everyone as if they are her best friend, except for those she really hates. thats just not me. that little girl never over thought anything. she didnt care about the repercussions of her actions, she probably didnt even know what that meant. she was just living her life, joyful and without worry. but me? no. not me. i second guess everything. im afraid of what everyone thinks about me. im scared to take a step in the wrong direction. im scared to do anything. people dont see that about me. they see that same little happy girl. and i wish thats who i was, but im just not her anymore.

im not quite sure how that little girl would think of me now. she would probably think im weird and too girly and too serious, and she probably wouldnt be impressed. and i am sorry to disappoint her. im sorry to dissapoint that little girl. im sorry to not fulfill her expectation of me and to not be that same person i was years ago. im sorry that i dont like worms and have crushes on boys instead of playing with them. im sorry i dont spend my time outside in the dirt. im sorry for having friends that are girls. im sorry for wearing makeup. im sorry for spending time in the mirrors everyday criticizing myself. im sorry for wishing i was skinnier. im sorry for dressing up on regular days. im sorry i dont own basketball shorts and that i dont play hockey or football. im sorry i dont hang with the boys anymore. im sorry for quitting baseball and wanting to dance, even though i know youve always hated it. im sorry for not having a bedfull of stuffed animals. im sorry for changing, you and i both wish i hadnt. but what am i supposed to do. that little girl is gone and there is no way to bring her back. not anymore. i wish i could, but dreams dont come true. i just cant.

shes gone.

Stop it. Trying to please

everyone will not help.

For every word of praise,

you will lose a part 

of your soul. 

The presents, the gifts.

They are not a sign 

of love. They are proof

of ownership.

If they did you a favor,

that means you must 

be grateful and do

what they say.

Nothing is free.

The inside and the outside.

There's nothing left 

that's yours. No thoughts

that are your own.

Stop it. Don't always comply.

Stand up for yourself. Rebel.

Be selfish and dream.

Have a strong goal

in mind and not just a means

to an end-escape.

Maybe then there'd be hope

and you won't become

the listless creature I am now.

What kind of nickname is that anyway? I know you can't answer me, in fact you may be too young to retain or understand all of this, but you'll figure it out one day. You'll impress and piss-off your parents for years to come. You'll also disappoint them, and shame them. You'll fight with yourself more than anyone, and you'll be afraid of the things you'll find yourself thinking about-- afraid of what it means about you, but you're more than your thoughts. You'll learn the hard way, how easy it is to be wickedly loved and vehemently hated.

You'll also learn the hard way, no one can hate you more than you'll hate on yourself. It's okay though, you'll get through it, even when you don't want to. There will be something inside you that will push you onward and you wont understand why or what it is until you're almost thirty.

You'll struggle the most with love and compassion, even though you'll tell yourself the fight is with your anger and rage. You'll know, even if you don't know how to say it, that you're only so angry because you have more compassion than you know what to do with. The emotional pain will feel like it'll crush you-- but it wont. It can't.

You'll know soon enough, that you're of above average intelligence, and incredibly strong willed-- which will also frighten you. This fear will stall you, make you second guess yourself, your reason for living and your reasons to try. You'll worry about it, want to kill yourself over it, but you'll survive all that too. More importantly, you'll learn from all of it, all the things you experienced that made you hate the world, and hate yourself for living in it.

You'll suffer, adapt, evolve and move forward.

That will be your pattern long before you realize you have control over the length of each stage... but you will figure it out, that and more than I'm willing to write about.

Experience life, then reflect on what it's taught you.

| another_proser |