Complex
I don’t understand emotions and because of that, I don’t understand my own feelings. Emotions are far too complex and abstract. Certain criterias need to be met for each emotion. For example, if you’re happy, you need to feel happy. You need to smile and be laughing. If you’re sad, you need to feel sad. You need to be crying and lonely. If you can’t follow the rules for each emotion then you, you’re not normal and if you’re not normal...then you’re something else. You’re abnormal and because you are different from everyone else around you, you’re sometimes called names that dehumanize you. Monster. Demon. The devil. Bloody bastard. Trash. Garbage. Skum. Beast. Animal. Gross. Disgusting. Die. Disappear. Go away. Liar.
You should never have been born…
Maybe...maybe they’re right. Maybe I’m all those things and much, much more. Maybe I’m not like you all, but that doesn’t mean I have to be. I don’t need to fit in. It’s alright. We are all different and unique in our own ways. Maybe a bit too much and because we are, because I’m a bit too unique than what most call unique and different, I’m the outcast. The reject of society. But I don’t mind it at all. Because, no one really taught me how to fit in. How to be ordinary and not different. That’s why I don’t mind being an outlier. But…sometimes...just sometimes...when I’m starting to grasp at these complex emotions. I start to feel, or at least I think I do, overwhelmed. It gets hard to deal with all their indifference. That sometimes I get a little on edge. And if I’m pushed off the cliff, then it’s best if you keep your distance from me, because I don’t know what I might just do. And even if I do, do something unthinkable, I won’t regret it because I don’t understand what emotions are.
That’s why I think it’s better to fit in amongst everyone who’s normal. Or, at least pretend to. That way it won’t really matter. Whether I’m different or not. That, I’m not normal, because if I pretend that I am, that I’m like one of you, then, you won’t know that I’m different. That I’m indifferent to you all. That way, you won’t see me coming. Coming to steal your emotions away and make them my own. So I can become a bit more human. A bit more like you and see, whether it’s better to be different and inhumane, rather than be a human being with these multitude of complex emotions...